She nods in acknowledgement of this, but I can see she's not easy with the idea. "But for a woman, the greatest satisfaction she can have in life is to devote herself to her husband and children."
There's nothing I can say to this. Mamma and I will never see eye to eye on this subject.
She gazes at me seriously. "So you haven't changed your mind? About being a doctor?"
I look at the worn couch where Papa used to examine his patients, at his Gladstone bag still sitting by the desk. If I were to open it, I'm sure I should find it packed ready with medicines and pills. The shelves are barer since Tom raided them, but he's left behind Papa's endoscope and head mirror, a box of syringes...
All at once I remember it—the acute excitement I used to experience when I set off with Papa on his rounds, my satisfaction when "we"—really Papa—helped patients and I could see that they felt better...
I know what my answer is.
"No, Mamma, I haven't changed my mind."
She nods again as if this doesn't surprise her. "In that case, that's what you'd better do."
My mouth falls open. I manage to splutter, "What do you mean?"
"I mean that you'd better do what your father wanted and set about your medical training." Mamma smiles and I guess my stupefied expression must look comical.
"But—how?"
"By applying to the London School of Medicine for Women. Isn't that where you want to go?"
I stare at her. She means it. She really means it. "But how can I pay for it? It's expensive, Mamma."
"Your father left money to both of you, for when you were twenty-one."
I can hardly believe my ears. "Papa left us all money? Why didn't you tell us?"
Mamma looks down at the chair arm again. "I was afraid it would have a bad effect on you all, that it might encourage you to be idle..."
I see. It's just like Mamma not to want to spoil us and just like Papa to indulge us..."But Tom has had his?"
"Yes, and I'm afraid it hasn't been good for him."
I don't care about Tom. If he wants to waste Papa's gift, that's up to him. For me, it opens up a world of possibility...
Mamma is watching me. "So what do you think?"
"It's a long time until I'm twenty-one."
She nods her head, unhappily. "I thought that's what you'd say." She sighs then says with a half-smile, "If you're really sure that this is what you want, I think I can support you until then."
"Mamma!" I leap across the room and hug her.
In a tone of mock severity, she says, "You'll have to pay me back, mind."
"Of course!" And I hug her again. Then, too excited to sit still, I walk about the room, thinking aloud. "I wonder if it's too late to apply for this autumn? If not, I shall have to work hard to be ready for the preliminary exams. I've forgotten all I knew! Mamma, do you think I could do it?"
"It is soon. Could you not wait?"
"I'd rather not! It might take me a long time to qualify. The sooner I can start the better!"
Mamma shakes her head. "I wish you didn't have to go so far. You're very young to be living in London."
"After what I've been through, Mamma, I think I'll cope."
Her face darkens and I wish I hadn't reminded her. "You will keep in touch, won't you? And come home sometimes?"
"Of course I will, Mamma." Perching on the foot stool, I take her hand. "Are you worried about Tom?"
She nods. "He hasn't been home for such a long time. And he hasn't answered my letters." Her eyes fill with tears.
Tom! All my anger with him flares up again. How can he do this to Mamma! I expect he's enjoying himself too much to think of her. He's so selfish...
As I think this, it comes to me that I want to see him. For Mamma's sake, yes, but I also need to see him on my own account. He must understand what he did to me—his sister—and all for money...
"Listen, Mamma, if I write to the School of Medicine and they want to see me, I could visit Tom..."
Mamma looks uncertain. "Would you? Could you bring yourself to see him?"
I have a sudden joyful realisation. While I'm in the south I can go and see Eliza! I can tell her my news and who knows, maybe ... maybe...
"Oh, yes, Mamma, I could."
On my way to Tom's lodging, I can't help thinking about the last time I was here.
I was nervous then, worrying about what Tom would say, and now I don't care. In fact I'm looking forward to seeing his face when I tell him that this morning I was accepted into the School of Medicine! He won't like it, but what does that matter? He's forfeited the right to have any say in what I do with my life and I don't need his approval now.
I just hope I can keep calm.
When I think about what he did—letting me suffer all that, just so he could go on gambling—I want to hurt him as badly as he hurt me.
Arriving at the door, I see more of the brown paint has flaked off, but otherwise it looks just the same. I press the bell.
"Yis?" It's the same scrawny girl in the grubby mobcap.
"I'm here to see Mr. Cosgrove."
She narrows her eyes suspiciously.
"I'm his sister."
"Oh, yis? You'd better come in."
As I follow her up the staircase, stepping carefully to avoid a broken tread, I brace myself for what I might find.