I wait, watching my aunt, who speaks, at last. "It was after your last visit to us—"
I knew it. I keep my face smooth, but something starts to flutter in my chest.
"Charles came to me and—"
"Charles!" Not Grace then, but Charles. But how would he have known unless Grace told him? My eyes flick towards her, but she is staring down at her lap.
"He said—" My aunt appears to be labouring under some distress. "He said he believed you were suffering from moral insanity."
"I thought he was a lawyer, not a doctor!" I look at Grace accusingly. "You didn't tell me about this."
Grace looks shamefaced. "No, I'm sorry. I—" She breaks off, looking away. It strikes me for the first time that she looks different—as if somehow the light has gone from her. With a sigh, she says, "Charles has a great interest in the subject and has read widely—especially some German papers, I think."
Rather than defend him, she sounds almost apologetic.
"Of course, at first I thought it was nonsense," says Aunt Phyllis. "But when he explained more, I began to be persuaded."
My mouth has gone dry but I manage to say, "May I know what he said?"
Her hand flits nervously to her mouth. "Oh, I don't think you want to hear all that, do you?"
"I think I have a right to know."
She presses her mouth into a line. She's not going to tell me. But then Grace says, "I think you should tell her, Mamma."
My aunt sighs, "Very well. But Lou, please won't you sit down?"
Reluctantly I pull out the chair by the writing desk and perch on its hard seat. At least I'm still near the door.
Aunt Phyllis hesitates and then begins, "You have to admit that you're not like most girls—"
"And that makes me insane?"
My aunt presses her hands together. I have the feeling that she's choosing her words carefully. "Charles felt that your extraordinary desire to be a doctor was a clear indication of your condition."
"Because it showed a want of proper feminine delicacy, I suppose!" I can feel myself beginning to tremble with anger.
"That was part of it, yes."
"What else?"
"Lou, dear—" My aunt's expression is pleading, but I won't relent.
"Tell me!"
"Well ... not wanting to be married—I never could understand that myself, Lou. And your determination ... being set on a course that your brother was so against ... your attitude to authority ... Charles was shocked by your outburst at dinner. I must say, I was too, Lou. Such a loss of control! But I was prepared to excuse you on the grounds that you were still grieving for your papa ... But then the way you left us, without a word to anyone..."
Those so-called symptoms in my admission papers, that I thought originated with Tom ... as much as she is trying to blame it on Charles, some of it was her! And still she hasn't admitted what I am sure lies at the bottom of it all.
I brace myself. "Was there more?"
Grace shakes her head at me almost imperceptibly at the same moment as her mother says, "No, that was all."
I look down at my hands and find that I'm clenching them so tightly, my knuckles have turned white.
I uncurl my fingers, make myself breathe.
All this time I've carried this guilty secret. Now it seems, if my aunt is telling the truth, it wasn't my behaviour towards Grace that condemned me...
Knowing this doesn't make me feel any better. That, I could have understood, but this?
I raise my eyes and look her in the face.
"Let me get this clear. Because I refuse to conform to the role expected of me, because I long to lead an independent life and be of service to others ... that makes me mad? I know that many doctors, many people in the world would think so, but how could you?"
My aunt ducks her head. "I—I didn't know what to think. But Charles was so sure. He said that, left untreated, your malady could only get worse. That there was a good chance that your behaviour would bring disgrace to the family. He thought you should be admitted to an institution where you would receive appropriate medical help..."
"And Tom? I suppose he fell in very readily with your plan?" I say bitterly.
"No, Lou, he didn't."
I'm taken aback. I'd imagined Tom and my aunt concocting the scheme together.
"So the false name, that wasn't his idea?"
"No. It was Charles's idea. He persuaded Bertram that it would safeguard the family's reputation. At first Tom was unwilling to agree to it. He wanted you to be helped, but he didn't like not being open with you."
"How did you change his mind?"
"Oh, Lou. What's to be gained from raking over all this?"
"Tell me."
"Your uncle was giving Tom an allowance."
It takes me about a second to work it out. "I suppose the allowance would have stopped, if Tom hadn't agreed?"
My aunt nods, shamefaced.
Lost for words, I stare at her. I can't believe it ... that Tom had me shut up, for money ...that they would have stooped so low...
Eventually I say quietly, "I thought you loved me. Whatever Charles said, how could you do it?"
My aunt shifts uncomfortably.
"Tell her, Mamma."
Something in Grace's tone causes a shiver to run down my back.