As soon as I said it, I knew I'd made a mistake.
Tom snorted with exasperation. "You've no idea, have you? I can't just drop everything and run home when I feel like it. I have terms to keep, reading to be done ... those blasted exams!"
I stared at him, puzzled. "But you've done the first set, haven't you? Aren't the others a long way off?"
Looking wretched, he leant closer. "You're not to say anything at home, but I've been plucked."
"Plucked? You mean, you failed?"
"I scraped a pass in chemistry but didn't make it in anatomy."
"Oh, Tom. I'm sorry. And you worked so hard."
He shifted uneasily. "Yes, well..."
"What happens now?"
"I'll have to re-sit—it's set me back at least a year. And I don't know how I'm going to find the fees." He ran his fingers through his hair, and then lapsed into a gloomy silence, staring off across the room.
Again I thought, What has he done with all his money?
Looking at his face, thinner, older, for the first time I could see a resemblance to Papa. Suddenly moved, I thought, Go on, ask him now. He won't refuse. Not when he understands...
"Tom, I've tried to keep on with my studies, but it's been very difficult—"
His gaze spun back to me and he thumped his tumbler down, making me jump. "What is the point, Lou? If you're still harbouring that foolish idea about being a doctor, then you might as well forget it. I told you it was out of the question."
"But, Tom, it was Papa's wish—"
"Oh, you and Papa!"
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing."
But I persisted. "No, tell me, Tom. What about me and Papa?"
"Well, didn't it ever occur to you that I might have liked to join in your cosy chats?"
I stared at him, open-mouthed. "But you were Papa's assistant for two years—you had lots of chances to talk to him."
"I'm talking about before that..." Putting his elbow on the table and shutting his eyes, he rested his head on his hand.
I was silenced. It had never occurred to me that Tom might be jealous of me. I'd thought the appeal to Papa's memory would move him, but I could see now that every time I mentioned Papa's name I was only making things worse.
He lifted his head. "Let me tell you something, Lou—all that learning—besides being a waste of time, it puts fellows off, you know." He leant back in his chair. "I can see that things are difficult for you at the moment, but if you forget this nonsense and concentrate on getting yourself a husband—"
"Tom!"
He ignored my outburst. "That would be better for you, wouldn't it? Mistress of your own home and so forth..." For the first time, he smiled at me. He looked just like a kind uncle offering sweetmeats.
Whatever made me think he was anything like Papa? He would never understand. My quest was hopeless.
I sat back, defeated.
Another silence descended. Then Tom cleared his throat. "Have you heard from Aunt Phyllis lately?"
"Yes."
"What did she say?"
"She asked if we were all right. She wanted to come and see us. But Mamma has turned against her." My voice trembled. The thought that I might not see my aunt again was sad—but not to see Grace...
Tom looked disturbed at my words. "Do you know why?"
"She feels that Aunt Phyllis didn't do enough to help when Papa was ill. But that's unfair—I know Aunt wanted to come but Papa wouldn't hear of it."
"Like he wouldn't hear of my being sent for?" Tom's tone was bitter and I knew he still blamed me.
I quickly went on, "There's something else. Grace's wedding."
"Oh?"
"Yes, they've arranged it for next month now, which seems a reasonable length of time—you know, since Papa ... but Mamma thinks it's too soon." I paused. "Aunt Phyllis did invite me to stay, but of course, Mamma said no." I toyed with the button on my glove. "It would be lovely to go." I spoke lightly as if it was scarcely important. Tom was staring across the room again and I wondered if he'd heard me. "Aunt Phyllis said William has returned from Europe. He'll be joining Uncle Bertram at the works soon."
"William?"
"Yes."
"That's it! You must go to Carr Head and you must set your cap at William."
I'd just taken another sip of lemonade and I almost spat it out." William?"
"Yes. Don't you see? If you were to marry William, you'd have a fine life, Lou."
I stared at my brother as if he was mad. "But that's ridiculous. I hardly know William." Being so much older than me and usually away when I visited Carr Head, my cousin was virtually a stranger to me. "Besides," I added, "He wouldn't look at me."
Tom regarded me judiciously. "You're right. You'd have to smarten yourself up a bit." He stared at the hole in my glove. I put my hands under the table. "And make yourself agreeable. Don't keep going on about all that reading you do. But if you play your cards right—it would solve everything."
"Solve everything? What do you mean?"
"Oh, I mean, make things better for you. And—and heal the breach between Mother and Aunt Phyllis, of course."