The thought of him leaving, walking away, and never seeing him again sent my mind into overdrive. “I do!” I reached for him again. “I want you, Blake.” I jumped off the bed and wrapped my legs around him. And then I kissed him. With everything I had. But he didn’t kiss me back. Instead, he tried to pull me off him. “Chloe. Stop.”
I held on to him more tightly. “Please.”
I physically felt it. The moment when his body won out, and he gave in to me. His hands moved down my back, onto my ass, gripping it hard, and hauling me closer to him. Then he finally started kissing back. But it wasn’t Blake, not the usual him. Not the one that liked things slow, liked to savor me so he could get to know me. It was another part of him kissing me. It was pure need. Pure lust. He dropped me on the bed and looked down at me. I never released my hold.
He shook his head. “Chloe.”
I didn’t know if it was a question or a warning, but either way, it didn’t matter. Not when I started kissing him again. Not when I pushed his sweats past his hips, just enough to free his erection. Not when he cursed under his breath and said my name again. Not even when I held it in my hands and brought it to my entrance. I didn’t bother removing my panties, and neither did he. He just pushed the material aside and thrust his fingers into me.
“Fuck, Chloe, I can’t do this,” he said as he dropped his head next to mine.
I gripped his hair tightly and kissed his neck. “Please, Blake. I need you.”
He groaned before pulling his fingers out and replacing them with his erection.
I winced from the shock of him filling me.
It was rushed, rough, and over quickly.
I cried the entire time.
He stilled on top of me. “Mother fucker!” He punched the pillow next to my head, and jerked himself out of me. He sniffed as he hastily sat up on his heels.
I wiped the tears of embarrassment from my cheeks and jumped in the shower. I cried as I tried to wash the filth off me, but it didn’t work, because the filth wasn’t on me. It was in me. I was ashamed.
I’d used sex as a way to keep him there, and it’d worked.
For now.
When I stepped out of the bathroom, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. “I didn’t use a condom,” he muttered.
“Oh,” I said, surprised. It hadn’t even occurred to me while we were having sex. I always used a condom, even in my cross-faded states, I’d made sure of it. But with Blake, I hadn’t even thought about it. “I have an IUD. I’m protected.”
“That’s not—” he sighed. “That’s not the point.” But he wasn’t talking to me. “I don’t even know what the hell the point is.” He tied the laces on his running shoes and stood up. “I’m going for a run.”
And even though a part of me had thought he would, it still surprised me that he was. He’d told me why he ran; he’d said he did it to feel numb—that when things got to be too much sometimes, he wanted to feel nothing. That moment was his moment of nothing. He walked to the door with his head down, refusing to make eye contact. I was sure he was disgusted by me, ashamed of what I’d just done.
I wiped frantically at my tears. “Are you coming back?”
He froze midstride, then lifted his gaze and nodded once. “Yeah, Chloe. I’ll be back,” he said quietly, but with so much pity that I hated myself.
Once he had left, I ran to the bathroom and threw up.
Blake
Josh answered first ring.
“I’m sorry for calling again,” I said as I sat on the curb in front of the hotel.
“Dude. You never have to apologize for that. What’s going on? You want us to come and get you now?”
The word yes caught in my throat. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been silent, not knowing how to respond, when he sighed loudly. “What the hell happened, man? Did you go back and tell her you were leaving?”
“Yeah.”
“And?”
It took everything I had to answer him. “I fucked up, Josh.”
“What does that mean?”
“We had sex.”
He sighed again. “And I take it that’s a bad thing?”
“I don’t know what the fuck happened.” I dropped my head between my knees, my hand gripping the phone tighter. “One minute I had my bags packed, ready to leave, and the next thing I know, she’s . . .” I couldn’t even finish the sentence. “She was wasted and she asked me to stay. She threw herself at me, and I didn’t fucking say no. I took advantage of her, Josh. I’m exactly like every other forgettable asshole she’s ever fucked.” I wiped my eyes, grateful that Josh couldn’t see me crying.
He was quiet a long moment before he asked, “Do you honestly believe that?”
I shook my head, my tears falling freely. “I don’t want to, Josh, but maybe I had it wrong. Maybe I thought this was something more than it really is. Maybe I’m nothing to her . . . or I’m just a fling, someone to have a good time with until she decides she wants to be invisible again.” I let out a bitter laugh. “How did I not see this coming?”
Josh cleared his throat. I heard movement on the other end, as if he was sitting up and pushing the covers off him. “You wanna know what I think?”
“I think you’re gonna tell me anyway.”
“I think you’re wrong.”
“About which part exactly?”
“All of it.” He paused a beat before continuing. “I think that it’s human nature that when people get scared, they do stupid things. All you have to do is look at Natalie for proof. As far as Chloe goes—you and I may not agree with the way she lives her life, but we can’t really disagree with her reasoning behind it. Chloe kept everyone at arm’s length, even the people she calls family. But you, Hunter, you’re there with her. She let you in. And you—you haven’t cared about anything the past couple years. You existed, but you didn’t live . . . yet somehow, there you are, with a girl that you may be in love with, and you finally care. Whatever happens, if you stay or if you leave, you need to decide whether it’s worth giving all of that up.”
Chloe
For two hours I lay in bed, wide-awake, waiting for him to come back. I wondered if he’d come in silently, get his bags, and leave. I waited. And waited. And finally, at around five in the morning, against my will, I succumbed to exhaustion.