Louis’s wife never blamed him for her sadness. How could she when it had always been there even when she was a girl? Hortense had always wanted people to leave her alone. But she wanted Louis’s attention. She liked when he was physically close to her. Her body felt happier. Her thoughts stopped processing so quickly. She didn’t feel as intelligent. And that was a good thing. He was so handsome. Everything about him seemed imbued with masculinity. She had never felt physically attracted to someone before him. When she looked down at the carriage floor and saw her feet next to his feet, the difference in size excited her. She felt as if she really belonged to him and it was the first time she ever felt she belonged to anyone.
After they married, they went to the country to live in her family’s cottage while their new house was being built. She was happy there. It was where she retreated to in her childhood. She knew the names of all the flowers. She inscribed the birds she spotted in her great notebook. When she was all by herself chasing butterflies and collecting insects, she became distracted to such an extent she forgot her sadness. If she could somehow have devoted herself to that world, perhaps she could have found a way out of her depression. But everybody kept interrupting her.
Louis had never been in the country before. He was glad they were away from everyone in society. He felt his friends were mocking him for having married Hortense. They brought along one young, pretty red-haired maid with them. Louis made love to the maid a few times in the country, but it gave him no joy, and he stopped the affair immediately. To his own surprise, he preferred Hortense’s company.
Hortense sensed his surprise affection. They were both comfortable around each other once they discovered how much they enjoyed having sex. And when she was pregnant, she was really truly beautiful. The doctor came and told them they should be gentle making love while she was pregnant. But Louis couldn’t stop himself. He loved touching her belly.
Hortense told him all about her sadness. How it took over her life. How she didn’t see any point to living. He hated when she described this sadness because she had been born with so much privilege. He was the one who had a precarious spot in society. He was the one who had had to struggle. She promised him her sadness was in her past. But he noticed a hesitation in her eyes. The house was ready when she was almost due to deliver. And he thought they would return to the city a happy family.
The red-haired maid was obviously pregnant herself. No one mentioned it. Louis was grateful the maid didn’t seem interested in bringing it up.
Louis was terrified of what his baby with Hortense would look like. He began to see Hortense objectively again, from the eyes of others, who would undoubtedly think she was ugly. Hortense was not beautiful to him anymore. He hoped the baby would take after him and not Hortense. He never prayed for anything. He personally considered God a fool. And he thought of every scientific advancement as being a slap in God’s face. He tried to get his hands on any technological gadget to prove what side he was on. But he went to a church and lit a candle and prayed his baby would be beautiful. He could not stand the idea that his child would have to go through life being ugly. It was a handicap, a disability, especially if you were a woman. He could understand how an ugly man might find meaning for himself in the world. But what was the point of an unattractive woman? He finally reconciled himself to trying to love the baby no matter what it looked like. It was a good thing, too, as the baby was uglier than he could have imagined. The baby looked exactly like Hortense.
He didn’t like the character of this skinny baby either. He sensed she would have the same eccentricities as her mother. She would think too much. She would be an intellectual. She would also be consumed by words and books. And what point did literature serve other than to make women horribly depressed?
After the baby was born, Hortense became more melancholic. She didn’t want to see Louis or the baby. She cried all day long. Once he came in the room and she was hitting her head with a pillow, screaming, Don’t you understand? Why can’t you understand what I feel like?
And he was angry at her for not being happy with him when she didn’t even deserve him.
He took her moods personally. She wouldn’t let him in her bedroom to touch her.
Hortense exacerbated his own sense of being unlovable. And so he punished her. He went to the city and began to have affairs again. He made her feel even more unlovable in order to feel superior himself. Her unattractive exterior mirrored the ugliness that was deep inside him. She retreated more to her room. Then after she didn’t come out for two days, they broke through the door and found her hanging by the neck from a noose she had made out of the belt of a robe.
* * *
Louis went to the city to deal with the sugar factory and his new role as owner. He was at his office when he received a telegram from his maid with the most terrible surprise. His and Hortense’s baby had died.
When he arrived home, Agatha handed him the death certificate and a dried rose from the baby’s funeral.
At dinner, of course, he noticed that Agatha was not with child anymore. When she saw Louis looking at her, Agatha asked him if he wanted to hold his babies. She hurried into the next room and came back with a perambulator. Louis looked in the carriage. The two infants were staring up at him. They looked exactly the same. They both had blond hair. They both had blue eyes. They both had sweaty curls that stuck to their foreheads. They both looked like him. He was taken aback to see children that resembled him. He might never have known this joy.
One of the children began to cry when he looked at her. She gave him a look of hatred. He was a grown man, but he took it personally. He thought a person was born with a look of hatred. She would have that look of hatred in her eyes her whole life. It was as impossible to change as eye color. The other baby girl opened her mouth in what could only be described as a grin. She looked at Louis with such love and recognition. Here was someone who would forgive him for whatever he did. She would make him feel good about himself. Finally, it was someone who loved him at first sight. Finally, it was someone who looked at him as though he were blameless.