Perhaps no child thinks they are a child. They secretly think of themselves as adults. And when they act in the manner a child would, they are surprised. Perhaps every child is shocked by their own tears when they gush like blood from an injury.
Sadie’s mother did not respond in kind. Her mother was distant and cold with Sadie, the way Sadie had expected to be distant and cold with her. The emotional tables had suddenly turned.
The maid pulled Sadie by her armpits, causing her to rise. Then Sadie hurled herself at her mother’s breast. This alarmed her mother most of all. Mrs. Arnett aggressively pushed Sadie off, telling her not to make a scene. Sadie observed her mother turning around to see what the other passengers were making of this behavior.
“Why don’t you love me? You can keep me in my room for months. I don’t care. I will go to finishing school in Montreal.”
“Sadie. You have been disagreeable. We asked you for your help in one simple way. Instead you have sabotaged your father and brother. I was always tolerant of your dourness. But since I can’t teach you anything, perhaps this school will.”
Sadie’s vulnerability made her mother colder. She was having enough emotions for the two of them. At that moment, Sadie realized her supplications were fruitless, and she became silent. Sadie would never forgive her mother after this. Her mother had forced her to be weak.
Sadie let the maid lead her toward the gangplank. She felt terrified and as though she were dying. And in some respects, she was. How could she ever expect to be the same after climbing onto the ship? Her face was wretched. It was contorted into extreme expressions.
Sadie’s mother knew her daughter could have been beautiful if she’d had a different personality. Her thoughts were always written on her face. It was not easy to walk into the parlor and see your daughter looking at you with such disdain.
She had never bonded with Sadie as a child. But since she had so much love for her son, she was able to ignore Sadie. He was so obedient and affectionate even if he wasn’t as clever as Sadie. And she wasn’t even sure if Sadie was intelligent. She sometimes thought wickedness seemed to masquerade as intelligence. Certainly cruelty and criticism had a similar edge to intelligence.
When Sadie became friends with Marie, she suddenly had a power in her hands. She, of all people in the house, had held a key to the family fortunes. Her mother hated that. She had to be obsequious to her own daughter. Her mother was frustrated that Sadie was aware of her power but did nothing with it.
She could have finally become part of the household. It was great fun to have a common mission and to work toward a goal together. She could have helped strengthen the family name. She would have benefited enormously. It would have increased her marriage prospects. But whenever she brought up marriage or anything of that nature with her daughter, Sadie looked at her as if she were suggesting she hurry up and look at a unicorn in the backyard.
She watched Sadie moving about on the deck of the ship. She should have known not to take a hope and put it in Sadie’s hand. Sadie could very easily have killed Marie. They would have been finished then. The only thing Louis Antoine had any affection for in this world was his daughter. He would never have allowed Sadie’s family to survive.
Whereas Sadie had seemed surprised by her outpouring of emotion, her mother was surprised she herself didn’t feel anything. She was relieved her daughter was going. It meant nothing to her when Sadie slumped onto her knees. The only satisfaction she had was that she knew she had been right about her daughter this whole time. She had been justified in being suspicious of her.
Sadie’s mother stopped to look at the ship pulling slowly away from the port. She made out Sadie standing on the deck. Sadie was scanning the crowd for her mother in turn, but she did not see her. There were many people on the dock. They held out their handkerchiefs to the people on the ship and waved them. The people on the boat held out their handkerchiefs and waved them back. It was a beautiful thing to see all the handkerchiefs. They were like a group of seabirds congregating around a cresting whale.
Mrs. Arnett didn’t wait for the ship to pull out from the shore before turning around and walking away.
CHAPTER 9
Sadie Sails Across the Sea
Sadie was seasick for the first two days. She was so angry that Marie hadn’t been punished the way she had. She knelt with her arms around a bucket. She stared at the hole that was at the bottom of the bucket. She whispered, “This is Marie’s fault.” And then she vomited into it. If Marie had come with her, then she would not be alone in this predicament. They could hold each other’s hair while they puked and tell each other to be brave.
She walked along the deck, muttering, “This is Marie’s fault.” Children got used to her walking along the deck and talking to herself. They came to accept that she was no fun to play with. And that there was something not quite right with her head. If she had been wearing black, they would have assumed she was in mourning, as she acted like a child who had lost her mother quite recently.
There was a group of girls on the boat who thought it quite the pity that Sadie was too odd to speak to. She was so pretty. And girls were always so attracted to one another. Sadie had such beautiful black hair, they all stared at it enviously. They hoped they would be able to get a lock of it before they landed on shore. But they would never get a lock of her hair.
Sadie’s chant was so repetitive, it seemed somewhat like a skipping-rope chant: An accident. An accident. You can’t punish someone for an accident.
Sadie’s hands were always cold. She held them to her face and blew on them. She exhaled and little puffs of smoke came out of her mouth even though it wasn’t winter yet. It was winter out on the sea apparently. Perhaps the winter didn’t have anything to do with temperatures. Perhaps it had to do with distance and loneliness.