I might not have been delivered to the gallows immediately, but the end result of my wandering would be all the same. I shifted on the bed as it groaned again, imagining for just a moment how soft and plush the bed that waited for me in the manor must be.
As tempting as that thought may be, the prospect of who would occupy it with me was enough to pebble my flesh with goosebumps. All I’d ever wanted was to be free, and in the end, the pretty cage he offered was still just another prison.
“It doesn’t matter. I promise; everything will be just fine,” I said, swinging my legs over the side of the bed and standing with a dramatic stretch. The wood planks bowed beneath my weight, threatening to snap with the rot infecting our ramshackle home.
I could give them better, if I only spread my legs.
I winced. “Estrella,” Brann scolded, reaching across the distance between us to grasp my forearm gently. “What’s happened?” His inquisitive stare was too attentive for my liking, leaving me with little doubt that he wouldn’t be able to let the issue rest until I gave him something.
“Lady Jaclen is dead,” I said, my lips twisting as I admitted the words. My brother could know everything but the sacrifice. He could know what Byron had asked of me, because that was something he would have no choice but to resign himself to, and perhaps even see the benefit, too.
So long as Byron didn’t poison me the same way he had Jaclen.
“She—what?” he asked, dropping his hand from my forearm. “You were at the manor last night? That’s where you ran off to?”
“Lord Byron requested my presence in the library again,” I admitted, sinking my teeth into the inside of my cheek. He didn’t know the details of what happened within those luxurious walls lined with books, only that I never wanted to speak of the bruises and stripes covering my back and thighs sometimes.
He’d press. I’d refuse to answer, but we both knew it didn’t take a genius to put the pieces together. We’d all seen the way Bernice favored her cane at Temple.
“I assume there’s to be a funeral today?” Brann asked, his head nodding as he considered the information. He didn’t question Jaclen’s cause of death, as I suspected most wouldn’t. She’d been sick for years, Byron’s deception of her failing health serving its purpose in making her death seem natural.
“I assume. Lord Byron has declared his intentions to marry me after the rites,” I admitted, making him squeeze his eyes closed.
“I had a feeling he would,” he said finally. “There have been a couple of suitors who inquired about your hand in marriage over the years. We submitted the details to Lord Byron for approval, but he denied each one without explanation. I know it isn’t the kind of life you’d hoped for,” Brann said gently, reaching across the space between us to place his hand on top of my shoulder. “But that kind of title is something none of us could have ever dreamed of for you. He’ll take care of you, keep you fed and rested. Particularly if he intends to have children quickly.” His face pinched as he stepped away from me, beginning to pace as if he knew exactly what battle was ahead of him.
To some, the life that Lord Byron offered me seemed like a dream. All I had to do was spread my legs when he desired, and I’d live in the nicest building in the village. I’d be warm, with servants to take care of my every need as I raised my children without any of the fear of going hungry that most of the villagers faced.
“I don't want to be taken care of. I want to come and go as I please, and live,” I argued. To be forced to submit to a man I didn’t want for the bare necessities in life wasn’t living.
It was just not dying.
“That is not the way our world works, Estrella. For now, this is your place,” he said, but the gentleness in his eyes communicated that he didn’t like the status quo any more than I did. He wanted freedom for me; he was just as powerless as I was to achieve it.
“And what happens to me if Lord Byron is in fact the one who is incapable of producing an heir, and I do not give him a son, Brann? Does that mean there will be a slow death by belladonna waiting for me as well?” I asked, scoffing at the shocked expression on his face.
“He poisoned her?” Brann asked, his throat working as he swallowed against the tightness there.
I turned my back on Brann’s shocked expression, unable to tolerate his ignorance for another moment. Arguing about my place in Lord Byron’s life was not how I wanted to spend my last day with my family, not when I’d already made my decision. Every moment I spent hating him in the aftermath of what he’d done only served to solidify that choice.
I’d walk to my death with my head held high rather than spend the rest of a long life on my knees.
My mother waited in the kitchen, her chair already pulled up to the table where she struggled to slice through the stale loaf of bread resting on top. “Let me,” I said, taking the knife from her hand and slicing through the bread quickly. I spread her favorite homemade jam on top of it, handing it to her and turning away to allow her to have a private moment of feeling embarrassed.
She’d never adjusted to being taken care of by her children after her husband died, and with every year that passed the weakness in her body worsened, spreading from her legs to her upper limbs. Her hands shook as she raised the bread to her mouth and took a bite, chewing slowly.
“You’re happy here, aren’t you?” I asked, dropping the knife into the bucket of dishes I would need to take out to wash in the basin outside before we left for the celebration. The last thing I wanted to do was leave them with work to worry over while they were grieving.
She smiled wistfully, saying, “Of course I am, sweetheart. This is the only place that reminds me of your father.” I bit back the flame inside at the reminder, seeing the phantom of his memory all over the kitchen and realizing that, soon enough, my ghost would join his. My mother would only have her recollections of our moments together to remember me by. “Besides, Lord Byron has been so accommodating with my condition. I couldn’t expect to be treated better anywhere else. Why do you ask?”
“No reason,” I said, forcing myself to shrug and smile back at her as tears stung my eyes. “Finish your toast. I’m going to wash these dishes. It’s the last thing we’ll want to deal with when we roll into bed after the celebration tonight.”
“Aren’t you going to eat something?” she asked, her brow furrowing in concern. If there was one thing I was known for, it was my love of food. There was never enough, and as such, I could never pass up the chance to eat. But I’d be gone in a few hours, anyway. They needed the food more than I did.