We Are Not Ourselves


84


She added a weekly phone call to the Tuesday night groups and the Thursday night solo session. The rate was cheaper for the telephone session, one twenty-five an hour.

One day Connell sat at the table giving her dirty looks while she was talking to Rachelle. She tried to shoo him away, because she felt too self-conscious with him there, but he wouldn’t leave, and she told Rachelle she’d call back.

“What’s going on?” he asked when she hung up.

“What?”

“What’s up with Bethany?”

“Nothing, why?”

“I saw a show about this the other day. They’ll take you for everything you have. People end up homeless.”

“Look at this kitchen,” she said. “Look at that countertop. Does it look to you like I’m going to be homeless?”

The next time Bethany came to pick her up to go to Rachelle’s, a strange mood hung in the air. Connell came into the kitchen, followed by Sergei, and then the two of them went down to the basement. When she called down to say she was leaving, she got no reply. As Bethany backed out of the driveway, Eileen saw the garage door rising and Connell pulling out with Sergei in the passenger seat. It was something she hadn’t seen before, the two of them in the car together, and she spent the whole trip wondering where they could have been going. She usually enjoyed these rides to Rachelle’s, singing along with Bethany to pop radio, but she was distracted by the thought of Ed in that house alone, even if he was already asleep when she left.

The bell rang as she was settling into the floor. When Bethany opened the door, Eileen saw Connell and Sergei there. Connell started to enter. “Excuse me, young man,” Bethany said as she tried to stop his advance, but Sergei moved her aside with an effortless sweep of the arm and followed him in.

“What are you doing here?” Eileen asked.

“I wanted to see where you went.”

“You followed me?”

“I don’t know what’s going on,” he said, “but I don’t like it.”

She was oddly comforted to see him there. She felt, for a moment, as if she wasn’t on her own.

“Where’s your father?”

“He’s home. In bed.”

“You need to get back there,” she said.

“You need to get back there,” he answered. There was an unexpected authority in his voice; he seemed to have matured by ten years in an instant. She found herself on the point of heading for the door.

Rachelle walked into the room with a natural, confident air and placed a hand on her shoulder. “This must be your son,” she said. “I’m so glad to meet you.” Her voice was full of disarming warmth. “I’ve been hoping for this chance.”

She put her hand out. Connell took it automatically.

“You’re every bit as spirited as I understood you to be.”

“Thanks, I guess.” He turned from Rachelle. “Come on, Mom. We have to go.”

“And who is your friend?” Rachelle asked.

“This is my husband’s caretaker, Sergei,” Eileen said.

Sergei stood there with his arms crossed, impassive. Connell must have prepared him for his role; the thought of it touched her.

“Come on, Mom,” Connell said.

“Now, I understand you’re feeling a lot of different things,” Rachelle said to him. “Anger. Confusion. A loss of control. And I know your heart is in the right place. I probably know more about what you’re going through than you think. You might like to talk to me yourself sometime.”

“Nope,” he said. “You can keep your snake oil.”

“Watch your mouth,” Bethany said, stepping toward him. Sergei shifted in front of Connell, and he and Bethany looked like a big dog and a little one squaring off. The tension in the room was thick.

“Why don’t we all take a deep breath,” Rachelle said. “Please, sit down.”

“I’m not sitting,” Connell said. “I came to get my mother out of here.”

“Is that why you brought your friend?”

Connell nodded.

“The body is one thing,” Rachelle said. “The body can be held captive. The mind is something else entirely. The mind seeks its natural state, which is freedom. You can’t imprison a mind forever. If your mother seeks freedom, she’ll be back. There’s nothing you or I or anyone else can do to fetter that desire. You can try to put her in chains, but her mind can break them. What we do here is train minds to break chains.”

Connell looked as if he was waiting for her to come to his aid, but she was frozen, partly out of curiosity about how he’d handle this challenge with a year of college under his belt.

“I don’t know what to say about all that,” he said. “I’m sure you’re a nice person. I just came to get my mother.”

“You don’t get to tell your mother how to live her life,” Bethany snapped. “If she’s discovered something you can’t understand, it’s not your place to stand in its way.”

Eileen bristled. “Take it easy, Bethany.”

Rachelle put her hand up in a pacific gesture. “You’re a bright young man,” she said calmly. “Are you willing to consider that there might be a reality beyond the comprehension of your senses? That all might not be as it seems?”

“Mom!” he said, exasperated.

“Why don’t you ask her what she wants?” Bethany strode over to stand behind her. Eileen felt Bethany’s fingertips on her back urging her into the loveseat, and she sat, surprising herself. “She’s had a lifetime of males telling her how to behave, and she’s not about to start taking orders from her own son.”

Connell fell back against the wall, looking spent. Sergei remained standing with his arms folded across his chest. She knew it must have seemed to Connell that she was under Rachelle’s spell. She wished Connell could see the granite vein of skepticism that ran through her, which Rachelle could never mine clean, no matter how long she chipped away.

“I want you to know something,” Rachelle said to him. “Your mother is in good hands here.”

“Can we get out of here, Mom?”

“I’m fine,” Eileen said. “I don’t want you to think anything weird is going on.”

“How much money have you given them?”

“He’s only concerned about his inheritance,” Bethany said. “Typical.”

“That’s not fair to the boy,” Eileen said.

Rachelle took a step toward Connell. “I’m saddened to hear you speak in such simplistic terms about the relationship your mother has formed to the truth of the universe. I may draw a modest fee for facilitating her enlightenment, but it’s only to cover basic administrative costs, nothing more.”

“You’re preying on her in a time of weakness. You should be ashamed.”

“Mind your manners,” Bethany warned.

“Leave my mother alone.”

“You’re nothing but a punk,” Bethany said.

“And you’re a crazy cult lady.” He pointed at Bethany and Rachelle. “You and you.”

Eileen knew she should step in, but she couldn’t make her mouth form any words.

“I’ve tolerated you here out of deference to your mother,” Rachelle said. “You’re no longer welcome. Please leave now.”

Bethany stepped forward; Sergei did as well.

“Mom,” Connell said, simply, plaintively.

“You’ve offended me,” Rachelle said. “I’ve asked you to leave. If you don’t, I’ll have no choice but to call the police.”

“I’m not leaving without my mother.”

“I’m quite sure that’s not your decision to make,” Rachelle said. “Why don’t you go peacefully and let us get back to trying to do some good for your mother, instead of causing her needless anxiety.”

Connell didn’t move.

“Now,” Rachelle said.

“Mom!”

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