“You didn’t need to put yourself in danger for that. Soren—” His voice drops. “Rasmira was right all along. You were not to blame for my banishment. I was, and I knew it. It was so much easier to be angry with you rather than myself, but I’ve already forgiven you.” Iric reaches over and puts a hand on Soren’s shoulder. “You didn’t need to prove yourself to me or make up for anything that happened in the past. We’re good, brother. We’re good.”
By the look on Soren’s face, I think he might be ready to cry. Instead he coughs. “Thank you.”
“So don’t do anything that stupid again or else I’ll take off your head just as I did that beast’s!” Iric says.
“Do me a favor and manage it in one swing, won’t you?”
“I’d like to see you hack through that mass in one swing!”
Soren grins, and the boys fall silent, too exhausted for words again.
I bask in the feeling of utter exhaustion, yet utter triumph. I wonder what my father would think if he saw me now. If he saw how I pointed these boys in the right direction, encouraged them to complete their mattugrs, and even helped to take out the fearsome hyggja.
And what would my fellow trainees think?
I’m surprised by the sudden desire I have to see them. Those who don’t openly hate me still kept their distance from the girl who would lead them one day. They barely tolerated me.
But I’ve learned so much, and this feeling I have right now, of accomplishment, of reveling in another’s success, I want to experience it again with the men back home. I want to be this kind of leader for them.
I want to go home and make things right.
After several minutes, my skin grows itchy from drying in the sun. I roll over and find Iric staring confusedly at the severed head.
“You did it,” I say. “You can go home. Why do you look so troubled?”
“It doesn’t feel any different,” Iric says.
“You just did something amazing,” I say. “You made these weapons and came up with this plan. You dealt the killing blow. You earned this. You don’t feel accomplished?”
“It’s not that,” he says. “I am proud of what I did and so grateful to you two for helping me achieve it. But I thought I would feel different. I lost my honor, my place in Rexasena’s Paradise the day I was banished. And the only way I could reclaim it was to kill the hyggja or die trying.
“But it doesn’t make any sense. Nothing about me has changed. I’m the same person I was an hour ago. All I did was kill this thing. How does that act suddenly redeem me?”
“But—I thought you didn’t believe in the goddess,” I say.
“It’s easier to choose unbelief when the alternative is eternal damnation.”
Soren offers, “You failed your warrior’s test. You had to prove yourself as a warrior. You have done that now. You’ve proven your skill and redeemed yourself.”
“But that test was against ziken,” Iric says. “I’m still not very skilled at defeating them. I killed an underwater beast. The two aren’t even related. How is this the goddess’s will? The mattugr was given by men. How do they know her will? Shouldn’t I feel redeemed if this is what she wanted of me?” Then quietly, “Maybe she truly doesn’t exist.”
Iric’s words are troubling. Is this how I will feel if I kill the god? Will I have done nothing?
“I think you’ll feel differently,” Soren says, “once you walk back into Restin and see the faces of your mother and father.”
“Perhaps,” Iric says. He rolls onto his feet. “But I’ll have to wait to find that out. First, I have some armor to make.”
Iric holds out a hand to me. I take it, and he helps me to my feet.
“Let’s go get cleaned up. We all stink.”
* * *
THE WASHING POOLS ARE our first destination. Once done, we return to the tree house and change into dry clothes, hanging up our now clean ones to dry. Iric bandages the bite above my elbow before walking off with the hyggja’s head in a leather sack slung over his shoulder. He mutters something about finding a way to keep it preserved until returning to the village. Leaving him to it, Soren and I get started on supper.
I feel as though I haven’t eaten in days after all the toiling in the water.
My stomach groans as I add more kindling to my growing fire. Meanwhile, Soren prepares the valder meat for the spit. He keeps pausing in his work and looking over at me, as though he has something he wants to say. In the end, he keeps looking away and focusing on his task.
I think to call him out on it, but then I wonder if I don’t want to hear whatever it is.
As Soren sets the spit over the fire, he finally speaks. “I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for Iric. You did for him what I could not. He wouldn’t let me teach him to swim. Wouldn’t hear anything I had to say about our quests. And honestly, we couldn’t have killed the hyggja with only two people. We needed a third.
“Iric’s banishment has weighed on me for a year. It’s all I could think about. That guilt was never-ending, and now…” He looks at me, and though our eyes have met many times in all the while we’ve known each other, this time is different. My stomach tightens, heats, and I feel as though we’re saying things just by holding each other’s stare.
“Thank you,” he says. “You didn’t just save Iric. You saved me. In more ways than one.” And before I know what’s happening, he leans down and leaves a kiss on my cheek. He pulls back and stares down at my mouth, then at my eyes.
Torrin’s face flashes across my vision. How long ago was it when he kissed my cheek rather than my lips as I so desperately wanted? I’ve decided that I won’t let him win anymore, but that doesn’t mean I can suddenly control when he enters my thoughts.
And though I’ve decided Soren can be my friend, I haven’t had a chance to think of him as being anything else.
So I don’t encourage him. I look away and step back. “You’re welcome, Soren. I did what any friend would.”
Perhaps saying that word was a bit much, but Soren gets the hint. “I’m going to check on Iric. See if he found something to do with that head for safekeeping.”
He bolts down the trapdoor faster than a hare running from a fox.
I let out a held breath as I think of Soren. Soren and his nice lips. Once, all I wanted was to know what it felt like to be kissed. And now the thought of kissing brings a bitter taste to my mouth.
I hate that. I want to think of Soren that way. I want to wonder why he wants to kiss me. If it’s because he still thinks of me as his savior, or if he really sees me, beyond the warrior. I want to puzzle through our time together, want to figure out the moment when maybe things started to change for us.
But I can’t.
The more I try, the more his face mottles into Torrin’s. I see Torrin holding that ziken head with my blood smeared across its teeth. I see the smile he had at my expense when he succeeded in his plan. I see him by Havard’s side, the two of them relishing the moment as the venom takes hold of me and sends me sprawling on the ground.
Silent tears fall from my eyes. I wipe them away hurriedly.
Girls cry. Warriors don’t cry.
Dammit, Father. I’m a person. I have feelings. I was so screwed over, and if I want to cry, I’m allowed to.
Once I give myself permission, a weight seems to grow light and float away from me.
I don’t care what my father thinks of me anymore. I loved him, and he abandoned me the moment I didn’t suit his purposes.
No one commands me out in the wild. I will behave the way I want to. I will be who I am, and I won’t hate myself for it.
I was taught to be respectful to my parents, because it was part of Rexasena’s teachings. It is one of the many things we must do to gain access into her Paradise. But will she forgive me if I don’t believe everything my parents have said or done to me?
Instantly, warmth floods through me. I feel light as air, capable of doing anything, and most importantly, loved. Whether it’s my own imaginings or the goddess herself strengthening me, I don’t care.
“Thank you, goddess,” I whisper, grateful for the comfort, wherever it comes from.
* * *
OVER OUR WELL-DESERVED hot meal, I ask Iric, “What did you decide to do with the head?”
He swallows the bite of meat he’d been chewing. “I buried it in enough salt for it to keep until I’m ready to head back to Restin.”
“And when will that be?” I ask.