She shakes her head. “Stop… stop talking. You’re confusing me.”
“Don’t blame me for that,” I snap. “You’re confused. Leave me out of it.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’re fighting some sort of internal battle about who you are and what you want. A part of you wants me, but you’re just too scared to admit it.”
“And you?”
“And me what?”
“What do you want?”
I stiffen, trying to sift through the implications of that question. “We’ve been over this before, little kiska. I have what I want because I take it.”
“Like you took me.”
I laugh cruelly. “I didn’t take you anywhere, Camila. You came with me.”
42
Camila
I’m a mess. A total freaking mess.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” Bree asks the moment she hears my voice on the phone. “What happened?”
“It’s Isaak.”
“Did he hurt you?” she demands immediately, her tone turning hard as flint.
“Not… I… No,” I whimper. “Not like that.”
“Jesus, Cami.”
“What?”
“That wasn’t convincing at all.”
I take a deep breath, but before I can get my thoughts together, I burst out crying. I can’t remember the last time I cried like this. Big, blubbering tears that make me feel like I’m seven years old again.
I hear Bree sigh and plop down onto their squeaky couch. “Cami, honey, I can make a call to Eric. I can tell him where you are. It’ll take him some time to get to you, but—”
“No, no,” I say quickly. “I’m sorry, that was… I feel like an idiot.”
“You wanna start the call over?”
I give a watery smile and nod.
“Are you nodding, Cami? Because you know I can’t see you, right?”
I laugh, choking on it for a moment before I finally manage to compose myself. “Sorry. Yeah, I was nodding.”
“Thought so.”
“How do you know me so well?”
“I practically raised you, remember?”
Just like that, the tears resurface again. “I know you did. And now you’re raising my child.”
“Hey now, you know I love that kid like she’s my own.”
“Of course you do. You have a remarkable capacity for love. It’s one of your superpowers.”
“Darling, you’re starting to worry me.”
“Because I’m singing your praises?”
“Because you’re acting like you called to say goodbye.”
That takes me aback for a moment, and I realize that for as much as I’m going through, Bree’s going through just as much in her own way—lingering on the outskirts, worrying about me every step of the way without being able to do anything to help.
“Oh God, no. No, of course not, Bree.”
She exhales. “Well, thank fuck for that.”
“You’ve really got a sailor’s mouth on you lately,” I observe.
“I think this current time in our lives calls for it.”
“Tell me about it.”
There’s a short pause. “You wanna tell me what’s going on?” Bree asks. “Does this have to do with you telling Isaak the truth?”
“No,” I say. “I haven’t told him about Jo. And I’ve decided not to.”
“Really?” Bree asks. I don’t miss the note of disappointment in her voice.
“Do you think I made a mistake?”
“How can I, when I don’t know the whole situation?” she muses. “I’m assuming you have a good reason or two.
“Yes. At least, I think so.”
“You wanna tell me what it was?”
“I can’t trust him,” I tell Bree. “And I don’t trust his world, either. He’s a Bratva don, Bree. Crazy as that is to say, the stakes are high. I don’t want Jo getting mixed up in that world.”
“She’s already mixed up in it, Cami. The moment Isaak finds out, everything will change.”
“He won’t find out.”
Bree is silent for a long time. Too long.
“What?” I ask.
“I just think that’s a little unrealistic. He has resources, Cami. And the moment he looks a little closer, he’s going to figure it out. It’s only a matter of time.”
I suppress a shiver. Only a matter of time. Those are haunting words.
“I’ve been used as a pawn in two men’s games for years now,” I say. “I don’t want Jo to be used in the same way.”
“Jo is Isaak’s daughter, Cami. If she has to be mixed up in that world, at least she’ll have protection.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Just instinct, I guess. Everything you’ve told me about Isaak makes me believe he’s the type of man that protects his own. And Jo is definitely top on that list.”
Suddenly, I’m running through every conversation I’ve had with Bree, trying to figure out what I said about Isaak. My heart is thundering in my chest.
“Bree?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you… do you think I have feelings for Isaak?”
There’s a long pause at the end of the line. “I mean, don’t you?”
“Bree.”
“Honey, of course I think you have feelings for him. It’s kind of, I dunno… obvious.”
I sigh bitterly. “Fuck me.”
“I know this whole thing is a little unconventional…”
I snort at that. “Understatement of the fucking millennium.”
“Okay, it’s all batshit crazy,” Bree corrects. “But that doesn’t mean it can’t work.”
“It can’t,” I say immediately, refusing to allow even the seed of hope to grow inside me. “It absolutely cannot.”
“Why?”
“If I stay with Isaak, I’ll lose myself, Bree.”
“How do you figure that?”
“He’s… larger than life. He’s powerful and strong and confident. He’s been in control his entire life. And that’s not going to change with me. So it doesn’t matter what I feel or don’t feel for Isaak. He’s taken away my choices. I can’t stay with a man like that.”
“So if he lets you go… ?”
“I’ll go,” I say. “I’ll come back home and be the mother that Jo deserves.”
“And when he finds out about her?”
“I’ll worry about that when I have to.”
I know there are risks to what I’m saying, what I’m proposing. But it’s my life. It’s my daughter. It’s my decision.
Not Bree’s or Isaak’s or anyone else’s. Just me.
So if my sister disagrees, she’s going to give me the space to either prove her wrong or to learn from my mistakes. It’s what you do when you love someone.
It’s not enough that I’m falling for Isaak. I also want him to fall for me in the same way. But I’m just not sure he’s capable of that kind of emotion. He said as much himself.
“Thanks for talking to me,” I say quietly.
“Anytime.”
“Is Jo around?”
“Hold on.”
I hear Bree move her mouth away from the receiver and then she calls for Jo. A minute later, I hear the pitter-patter of my daughter’s feet. They get heavier every year and I’m left scrambling for all that lost time.
“Mommy?”
“Baby,” I coo. “How are you, sweetheart?”
“I’m good,” she replies. “Uncle Jake is going to build a treehouse and we’re all helping.”
“Wow, lucky you.”
“Yeah.”
“How’s school going?”
“It’s fun.”
“Read any new books lately?”
“Aunt Bree read me The Elves and the Shoemaker yesterday.”
“Did you like it?”
“Mhmm. I like the part when the elves see all their presents.”