26—WHITE COTTAGE
I haven’t seen Lachlan in a year.
It felt like the life was being slowly sucked out of me. Most days I felt like I had no value, like I was a penny dropped on the sidewalk. When I felt that way I instinctively turned for Lachlan. Not having him there felt like I was missing a limb.
Last summer he came home for a quick weekend visit. Since he had graduated college, he’d stopped coming home for the holidays. His visits were next to none and I was resentful. I was sad. I was jealous because I wanted all his time. He was busy with his internship and I knew that. He was working hard. He was making his own money, and saving every dollar.
“Don’t be mad, kid,” he had said to me.
Kid. When I was ten I used to like the nickname, but now I was starting to hate it.
I crossed my arms and looked up at him. “Can’t you upgrade me to a different nickname? I’ve officially outgrown ‘kid’.”
He glared at me, a hard look in his eyes. “That’s all I call you!”
“Well, call me something different… oh… I don’t know, call me by my name?”
He shrugged but looked away. Thirty minutes later he was getting back into his car and driving back to his job and his apartment and his single life. I hated that I would be reduced to e-mails, texts and calls.
I watched him go and it felt like I had been standing here all 365 days, waiting for him to come back.
And now he was here. Finally.
I pulled on the reins of my horse and watched him. His back was turned as he talked with his dad. I wanted to call out his name right then, but I kept my mouth closed.
I tried to imagine what he would see if I did call out his name. Would he see young Naomi with braids hanging down her back and her knees scraped? Or would he see me as I am now? The braids were gone. I was taller. My legs were longer. My chest that used to have a ‘little something’, turned into a lot of something. My eyes that were once too big for my face, now looked just right. My cheekbones, the ones that I thought were too sharp and awkward looking on my face, now fit. I felt good about the girl who looked back at me in the mirror.
I knew that it was inevitable that Lachlan would also change. But he looked better than I could have ever imagined. His shoulders were broader. His hair was cut shorter. The longer strands on top were mussed from the wind. My heart twisted so tightly at the sight of him I thought it would break into a million pieces. I vowed to myself right then and there that I would never let myself go this long without seeing him again.
When he crossed his arms and kicked his head back to laugh loudly, I couldn’t hold my happiness in any longer.
“Lach!” I shouted.
I was off my horse in seconds and walking toward him with quick steps. I didn’t care that my blonde hair was probably crazy from the wind. Or that my cheeks were red from the cold air. None of that mattered because he was finally back.
Lachlan turned with a bright smile on his face. My heart did a little flip and I smiled back. As I walked closer though, his smile started to fade. He looked me up and down with his eyebrows drawn tight. When I stopped in front of him he said nothing. Just stared at me like he had never seen me before.
“That you, kid?” he finally said.
I tilted my head up to look at him and frowned. I had barely said two words to him and something already felt different between us.
“Stop calling me that.”
A faint smile was on his face but it was strained. Tight and controlled. “You’re different.”
“I’ve grown up,” I said.
“You have,” he agreed.
Not for one second did I imagine that we would ever struggle to talk to each other. I’d just assumed we would pick up where we left off the last time. But the last time was long ago. Too long ago. There was a silence between us that had never been there. I wanted it gone. I hated it.
“I’m so happy to see you,” I said in a rush.
I didn’t wait for permission. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his waist. Lachlan’s body tensed for a second before his arms hesitantly banded around my shoulders. We stood there, with our arms wrapped around each other. I had dreamed of being this close to him so many times and not letting go. He always hugged me, but it was always a friendly hug. More like a pat on the back. But we were past a few seconds and his arms were still around me. Butterflies that I always seemed to get when he was around had disappeared and instead, my body just tingled in every single spot that was pressed close against Lachlan. My nose brushed his throat and I smelled his scent instantly. It was outdoors, mixed with cologne. It was a heady scent to me—one that drudged up memories and reminded me that Lachlan’s arms were home for me. My fingers clutched the material of his jacket tightly.
My imagination was not limited when it came to Lachlan. I would think of the craziest scenarios of how he would suddenly fall for me. He would tell me how much he loved me. And then he would kiss me. It would be a kiss that could take every kiss and touch before him and make it disappear. But it always stopped there. Right now, my mind was giving me scenarios that involved more than kissing. My arms tightened around his stomach, inadvertently pressing him closer. My breasts were pressed against his body and I felt warmth in between my legs. It was like lighting a match. One minute there was nothing and the next there was nothing but light and heat.
It scared me enough to make me pull away. Lachlan looked at the spot I had been in seconds ago with confusion before he cleared his throat and looked around. Only a few inches kept us apart. I took a step back. “Tell me everything!” I demanded with a squeak in my voice. “How’s your new job? When are you moving back to McLean?”
So many questions. I couldn’t contain any of them. Lachlan would always keep in touch via e-mail. But his e-mails were brief. Quiet. They were nothing like seeing him in person where he would always go into great detail about his friends, school, or even something he had seen that was funny to him.
I lived off of those stories.
Lachlan’s shoulders visibly relaxed over my questions. “My new job is boring. I’m basically an errand boy, with a small cubicle as my ‘office’. And my ‘office’ is right next to this guy. I think his name is Darin. He’s a heavy breather. Creeps me the f*ck out. I swear he does it to drive me insane.”
I laughed. “It still sounds exciting. Even with Darin the Heavy Breather.”
He hesitated before he slung a heavy arm over my shoulder. He used do this all the time, in a friendly way. But now my breasts were pressed against the side of his stomach and the heat of his body warmed me instantly. Tingles were back. He cleared his throat.
“Everything is exciting to you,” Lachlan said. “I could tell you I’m getting a root canal tomorrow and you’d be jumping up and down with excitement.”
I gave him a look as we walked toward the deck in the backyard. My hand had been hanging awkwardly at my side since we started walking. I wanted to reach out and touch him like he was touching me. I hooked it around his waist.
“And as for moving back to McLean, I don’t think that will ever happen.”
My head whipped in his direction. “Why not?”
“There’s more to this world than just McLean. A lot more. Trust me. Once you leave your home, you’ll never turn back.”
I nodded briskly, soaking in Lachlan’s words like a sponge. But he didn’t have to tell me twice about never coming back to McLean. I had no desire to stay here, but a part of me was scared at what else was out there.
“What about you? What’s going on in your life?” Lachlan asked.
“You already know,” I reminded. “I tell you in every e-mail what I’m up to.”
He nodded. “But you’re still writing?”
“I am.”
“That’s great,” he said with another strained smile on his face.
I wanted to shout at him: “Where is my Lachlan? Where are you?”
He talked to me, but his voice was tight, making me anxious. I didn’t like this… awkwardness. I didn’t know how to get rid of it.
I stepped away. His hand disappeared from my shoulder, making me feel cold and alone.
“I have to go home,” I said. I stared down at the ground, kicking pieces of gravel around with my foot. “We’re having guests over for dinner.”
I looked up at him. His eyes remained on me. But there was a different look there. One that I had never seen. He would always look at me with amusement, like everything I did was guaranteed to bring a smile to his face. But now he just looked pensive, almost unsure of me.
“You’ll still meet me tonight, right?” I asked.
There was that frown again. His shoulders tensed as he backed away.
“Yeah, tonight, Naomi,” his voice was terse and short.
I would see him later. Like all the other million times I saw him, but this time, things would be different.
I walked away from him, back to my horse, replaying our conversation. I was too preoccupied to realize that he had finally called me Naomi.
“Where the hell are we going?”
“Just wait,” I said. “We’re almost there.”
“It’s pouring down rain. I’m getting ready to turn back home.”
I didn’t even bother turning around. “No, you’re not. Just keep walking.”
Miles away from our families’ properties, hidden in the foliage of oak trees, was a white cottage that was all mine.
I stumbled across it by accident a few months ago.
The sunlight was out that day and in the corner of my eye, past the oak trees, something glinted. I walked deeper into the woods, for what felt like miles before the trees finally thinned out. The ground was covered in old leaves and twigs and in front of me was a cottage that was falling apart. The white paint was chipped off. The front deck was caving in slowly. A few windows were broken, or simply boarded up. All it would take is for one big gust of wind and this place would crumble in seconds. But I thought it was amazing. I thought it had potential. I looked past the damage and was determined to fix it. That night I wrote Lachlan an e-mail describing the cottage. He wrote back and said it sounded like the setting of a horror movie.
Tonight, I was determined to prove him wrong. This place was my personal haven. I saw the beauty of this cabin before it became weather beaten and neglected. I saw a fresh coat of white paint, a new deck, brand new windows, and flowers planted around the house. I saw the beautiful white cottage it used to be.
I parted the wet tree branches and stepped into the clearing. I shined my flashlight on the cottage. “Here it is,” I sighed.
Lachlan stood beside me and stared. He was silent for a moment, and pointed his flashlight at the cottage. His eyes narrowed, as he inspected what was in front of him carefully.
“Not too bad,” he finally said.
I grinned at him. “Kind of cool, isn’t it?”
“In a creepy kind of way, yes.”
The rain continued to fall. Splashing onto my jacket, soaking my hair. I didn’t care. I stepped closer to the cottage, letting the cool water pour down my face.
“Do you think we’re the first people to find it?”
Lachlan moved closer. “Doubt it. The windows didn’t board up themselves.”
“I’m not talking about that. I’m saying, it’s probably been sitting here for years and years without any of us knowing!”
“Is this your way of telling me that you’re going be one of those realtors that goes around looking for destroyed homes, buys them dirt cheap and sells them for triple the value?”
I shrugged, turned my head and smiled back at him. “Maybe.”
He looked at me with an odd expression on his face.
The whole trip there, I tried so hard to act natural and pretend that there was no tension between us. But that one look ruined all my efforts.
Old Naomi and Lachlan were gone. Wherever they went, they were hiding so well I doubted we would ever find them again.
Normally, words just poured of my mouth when I was around Lachlan. One simple subject would lead to a conversation that would split in half and keep multiplying until we were on a completely different subject than the one we began. Yet right now I was frantically trying to think of something we could talk about.
“I’m glad you’re back,” I finally said.
He smiled, although it was strained. “It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?”
I pointed my flashlight to the damp ground, jerking it back and forth until it became a blur. “E-mails are nice, but seeing you in person is even better.”
“That’s your way of saying you missed me?”
I shined my flashlight over my face for a quick second. I wanted him to see the sincerity in my eyes. “You know I missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too.”
I couldn’t see his face but I heard the honesty in his voice and I saw a piece of the old Lachlan. The one that had been MIA the entire day.
“Lachlan…” I looked away.
“What?” He turned off his flashlight and took a step closer. “Why did you just say my name like that?”
“Like what?”
“Come on, I’ve known you long enough to have you figured out.” He gave me a hard look. I stayed silent. “You don’t believe that I’ve missed you?”
“Well, you sure have a hard way of showing it. You’re barely home.”
“What is the big deal?”
“The big deal is you’ve been gone for 365 days!” I shouted. “Not a week or a month. A whole year!”
His eyes widened and he whistled. “Keeping a tally?”
I was panting by this point. “Every day.”
“We keep in touch,” he argued. “I talk to you almost every day.”
“E-mails aren’t enough.”
“If you thought that, you should have told me,” he said quickly. “You should’ve said, ‘Lachlan, e-mails aren’t enough. Come home. I miss seeing you.’”
“Lachlan!” I yelled. “E-mails aren’t enough. Come home. I miss seeing you!”
He looked at me with shock. “What’s gotten into you?”
“Nothing’s gotten into me. I’ve always felt this way.”
“No, you’ve changed. You’ve become…”
“What?” I advanced. “I’ve become louder? I’ve become older?”
Lachlan just stared at me. He was seeing a different side of me. One that was speaking its mind and revealing the truth. But everyone had a breaking point. You can only take so much until you have to get your words out before you exploded.
I opened my mouth. “I—”
Could I do this? Could I actually go through with telling him how I felt? Once it was out there, I could never take it back.
“I love you!” I shouted. My feelings that had been so well-hidden came to the surface. Lachlan looked blindsided. “And I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t. But I can’t help it!” I tossed my hands in the air. “What am I gonna do, though? I need you when I know I shouldn’t.”
I turned off my flashlight and tossed it between my hands, waiting for him to answer. It seemed like years went by before Lachlan spoke.
“No, you don’t,” he said. He almost looked frightened.
“I do,” I whispered.
He was older. Between the two of us, the world automatically deemed him the authority of love. But the world got it wrong. I knew better. I knew love was a spiderweb. Once you were caught it was something you couldn’t escape.
“You don’t,” he repeated.
I smiled sadly. It was all I could do.
Lachlan rubbed his eyes and groaned before he turned toward the trees. I stared at his back. His fingers were laced and resting on his head.
He whirled around. “I think you’re confused,” he said knowingly.
I was shaking my head before he even finished speaking.
“I’m right,” he continued. “It’s a little crush. Just an infatuation that you’ve had for years.”
“You’re wrong.”
“I’m right.”
He walked close enough for me to see the confusion in his eyes. And then he leaned in close. Closer than he’d ever been. His breath tickled my skin. I seized this moment. I looked at him. I mean, really looked, like I’d never done before. Water dripped down his face and curved around one cheekbone before it dropped onto his jacket. His lashes were spiky. There was dark stubble on his face. On the tip of his nose was a bead of water that dropped onto the groove above his upper lip and trickled down. Before I could watch that water drip disappear between his lips, he kissed me. I felt that bead of water against my lips and my eyes instantly closed. Even though I was drenched from head to toe, my skin felt like it was on fire. My blood roared through my veins and I couldn’t pull away if my life depended on it because Lachlan Halstead was finally kissing me.
I think he went into the kiss convinced that my ‘crush’ would never be over until he put it to rest. He thought the kiss would be two pairs of lips meeting and it would flat and be over within seconds.
But it was so much more than a simple kiss.
Everything stopped: time, breathing, my mind.
All I could focus on was his lips pressed against mine. He didn’t move them away, or increase the pressure. I was grateful for that because even this one simple contact made all the tingling seem like it was nothing. Right when I was reaching up to wrap my arms around him, he pulled away.
All the warmth from his lips disappeared and it felt like cold water had been thrown onto me. My eyes fluttered open. I stumbled into him. He jumped back like he’d been burned.
We stood there in silence, staring at each other in a half-daze.
I was the first to recover. “Do that again.”
Lachlan said nothing. Just blinked rapidly at me as the rain fell down around us.
“Do it again.” I couldn’t stop staring at his lips.
“No.”
“Do it,” I stepped closer. “Kiss me. Show me what to do.”
He took a step back and then another and another until he was pressed up against a tree. I saw just how unsure he was and I also saw lust. I wasn’t imagining it. My eyes weren’t playing tricks on me.
“You and I both know that was a really bad idea,” he said, his voice strained.
“Was it though?” I whispered.
He flinched as if I had struck him.
I stayed perfectly still and waited for Lachlan to do something, anything.
A deep, shuddering breath escaped him as he closed his eyes. He was at war with himself. And I saw the moment where he ignored that part that held him back. My pulse hammered as he leaned into me. This time his lips didn’t just linger. They moved, slanting across mine slowly.
I followed his lead. I chased after his breath, opened my mouth. His lips were warm compared to the cold rain and softer than I expected. My heart was thundering so hard it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I pulled away slightly. The tip of his nose brushed against mine. His lips were a hairsbreadth away from mine. The look in his eyes was powerful, showing me that if I hadn’t pulled away we would still be kissing. I swallowed hard.
“You told me to never trust a guy,” I said, my voice shaky.
“You were supposed to listen,” he said against my lips.
We went back in at the same time. This kiss was even stronger than the last.
His fingers sank into my wet hair. My hands reached up, curling around his neck, holding onto him like he was my anchor. I stood on my tiptoes. My elbows rested on his shoulders and I reached behind my head, grabbed my hood and pulled it up and over our heads. I had waited years to kiss him and I didn’t want to share Lachlan. Not even with the rain.
It fell around us, hitting my hood as Lachlan gently tilted my head to the side. The kiss deepened. I felt his tongue against my lips. I opened my mouth. Lachlan hummed and I answered with a whimper. I didn’t know if what I was doing was right. I just followed what made me feel good.
Slowly, my tongue touched his. Lachlan shifted close. I could feel him through his jeans. I breathed through my nose.
He ripped himself away.
Lachlan was breathing heavily. He rested his forehead against mine.
We didn’t say a word.