“Can you help me understand why you want to be with somebody who cannot love you back? I know it’s not our money. I observed the two of you carefully. You are genuinely fond of my son. So, tell me, what is it you get from him?”
There was no malice in the man’s tone, more a curiosity, like Noah had now become part of the experiment. Noah sighed. It was so much more complex than anything he could put into words. All he could do was share what he could articulate. “He protects me. He takes care of me. He would kill or die for me. He sees me. Nobody ever sees me.”
Thomas nodded, seeming to absorb Noah’s words. “He takes care of you how? What happened after I spoke with him on the phone yesterday? He was very angry with me for suggesting you should talk to a therapist—you should by the way. But what happened last night?”
Noah felt himself smile. “He found me drunkenly clutching a vodka bottle and took me downstairs, wrapped me in a blanket, and just held me. We watched cartoons, ate pizza, and got drunk.”
Thomas made a noise of surprise. “All on his own?”
Noah shook his head. “No. Calliope told him what to do. But the fact that he cared enough to ask has to mean something, doesn’t it?”
“Yes, I suppose it does. You’re an adult, Noah. I’m not going to attempt to tell you or my son that you cannot see each other. I truly believe he would come unhinged at the slightest suggestion of it. But being a part of this family means not only keeping our secrets but becoming part of our cover-up. You’ll have to lie convincingly enough to pass a lie detector test. You will need to train to protect yourself. Shooting, fighting, all of it. I can’t have Adam distracted worrying about your wellbeing. You’ll have to think quickly, act quickly, and never, ever hesitate. In this family, everybody pulls their weight.”
“I understand,” Noah stated solemnly, even though, deep down, he was more than a little excited by the prospect of learning to protect himself. It would be nice to feel safe even when Adam wasn’t around.
“Do you think he’ll get tired of me?” Noah suddenly asked, choking a little on the words. He wished he had Thomas’s crazy confidence when it came to his place in their world.
“No. The opposite, in fact. I think you’ll find that my son’s attention is a lot like a child holding a kitten. They are excited by it, fascinated with it, want so badly to give it affection, but they don’t understand how fragile it is. I don’t want Adam’s attention to crush you. Quite frankly, I’m not sure he’d recover.”
Noah thought about it. “I don’t know how Adam feels. I know he can’t love me, like you said. But I don’t even know what love is. Is it wanting to be in each other’s company all the time? Wanting to protect each other? Take care of each other? Comfort each other? The thing about Adam and I…we tell each other exactly what we need from one another. We have to because neither of us have the instincts necessary to navigate it any other way. Like, how is that different than love? Nobody’s ever loved me, so I honestly don’t know.”
“I can see why my son finds you so fascinating,” Thomas said, returning his gaze to the view. “And, if I’m being honest, I truly don’t know what love is, but I suppose that makes sense.”
“Why’s that?” Noah asked.
Thomas’s intense gaze pinned him in place. “Can I tell you a secret? One not even my sons know?”
Noah nodded, chest tight.
“Nobody’s ever loved me either.”
As soon as they entered Adam’s loft, Noah headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth, while Adam tossed his wallet and keys on the table, staring at the cracked bathroom door. He wasn’t sure what Noah might need from him. It seemed his days were becoming more and more stressful and it was Adam’s fault.
On the way home, he had grilled Noah pretty hard about what he’d talked about with his father. Noah had answered each of the questions without hesitation but seemed more subdued than he’d been on the way there. Before they left, his dad had pulled him aside and told him to keep a close eye on Noah, to be cognizant of his feelings because he’d had a hard day.
Noah left the bathroom, flipping off the light and walking straight to Adam, wrapping his arms around his neck. Adam returned the embrace, surprised when Noah lifted his legs and wrapped them around his waist, burying his face against his throat.
Adam dropped his hands to cup Noah’s ass, shifting his weight before carrying him farther into the room. “What’s happening here? What are we doing?”
He nuzzled his nose against Adam’s neck. “You’re carrying me to bed.”
“To bed, huh?” Adam teased, walking towards the staircase. “And what are we going to do when we get there?”
“Slow boning,” Noah said, kissing his way along Adam’s jaw.
“I’m sorry, what?” Adam asked around a laugh, trudging up the stairs with Noah still clinging to him.
“I want you inside me, but I don’t want it rough. I’m not in the mood. I want the feelings stuff. Kissing. Missionary. Lots of eye contact and mushiness. Fuck me but make it romantic-like.”
Adam snickered at Noah’s explanation but was more than happy to give him whatever he needed.
Once upstairs, he set Noah on his feet, finding his mouth as they undressed each other. Adam liked roughing Noah up but only because that was what he needed and Adam loved watching him fall apart. But if Noah wanted slow, Adam could give him that and was already half hard just thinking about sliding inside him.
When they were both naked, Adam laid Noah down on the bed, then followed him down, blanketing his weight over top of Noah so he could kiss him again, slowly, deeply, thoroughly. He found himself caught up in just kissing Noah—the softness of his lips, the way his tongue darted and retreated, the breathy sighs he released.