When an adult has been abused as a child, he or she lives life always expecting the other shoe to drop. That is because it always did. There was never a good day that did not end badly. Sadness always followed happiness, and fear always preempted confidence. A guaranteed emotional roller coaster when you are not the one in control. For Marin, Brent’s emotional state always took precedence over hers. Her state of being was dependent on his.
Only three times in Marin’s life had she fallen to her knees and asked the heavens for help. The first time, calling on all the deities that Ranee prayed to religiously, Marin had begged not to leave India. No matter how excited her parents were about the new world, she had no desire to leave the one she knew. Her friends, the extended family, were everything familiar. As they packed their entire household, Ranee regaled Marin with stories that she had heard about America. Roads without cows walking alongside. Schools in buildings instead of outside, seated in the dirt. “Everyone owns a car,” Ranee had said, laughing excitedly at the thought. Clean air, doctors that don’t have to be bribed for care, and most important, Ranee said, kneeling down to face Marin eye to eye, women have all the rights in the world. No matter what Ranee said, Marin knew deep inside herself she did not want to go. But her first prayer went unanswered, and they boarded the plane for the new world, her hand securely in Ranee’s, while Brent carried Trisha across the tarmac.
The second time was silently in her room when she was sixteen. It had been a particularly bad beating, and Marin could not take any more. One more incident and she was sure she would die. In fact, she had begun to prefer the idea of death over continuing to live under his roof. Given a choice between her demise and her father’s, though, she chose his. Falling to her knees in front of the pictures she kept in her room of Lord Shiva and Ganesha standing next to the Goddess Parvati, she begged for her father to be taken that night. For him to fall asleep and never wake up. She was so sure her prayers had been answered that she stayed awake all night waiting for the morning, when Ranee would announce the good news. Marin imagined the life they would live without him. The freedom she could barely remember from her time in India.
When morning came, Marin waited, clutching her blanket as her heart rate accelerated with excitement. When she heard her parents’ bedroom door open, she started shaking with happiness. As her doorknob started turning, she jumped out of bed, ready for the news. Her mother popped her head in, the wariness that had become a permanent mask still there. She asked quietly for Marin to get up and get ready for the day. She said to please hurry; they did not want to make their father angry.
The third and final time Marin turned to God was after she went into labor. Having read all the books and consulted with a number of ob-gyns, she was confident she was prepared for any circumstance that could arise—a breech, uterine rupture, macrosomia. What she was not prepared for was her inability to nurse her crying newborn. Marin tried everything. With the help of the nurses, she was able to get Gia to latch on to her breast and suckle, but no milk came. When it finally did start to flow, it was only a trickle. Not nearly enough to feed her newborn baby.
The first night after Gia’s birth, Marin kept her baby with her even when the nurses insisted she would be better off in the nursery. Staying awake, she watched for the first sign of Gia being hungry. Immediately opening her gown, she offered both breasts. Neither filled with milk. Angry, Gia turned to instinct and began to chew the nipple. Marin silenced her cries of pain and watched helplessly as her daughter stayed hungry. After a full day of no milk, the pediatrician gently recommended they supplement with formula. Feeling like a failure, Marin begged anyone who was listening for her body to produce sustenance for her daughter. Her final prayer went unheeded, and within weeks Gia was on formula full time. Back at work, things went as Marin commanded.