He laughs. “Is that right?”
“Yeah. That’s the difference between you and JD. You’ve never checked in, Ark. You never asked for the room key. You never made yourself at home.”
“How do you figure? I have done nothing but help you. Nothing but support you—”
“You’re right,” I say, cutting him off. “You’ve done nothing else. Because you’re not invested. I’m some kind of project to you. Or a means to an end. Or, I don’t know, a distraction.”
“A distraction?” he asks with one eyebrow raised. “You must be fucking with me. Because you, Blue, are the whole reason I’m checking out.” And then he laughs.
“I don’t even know what that means. What are you checking out of?”
“You’re the one who wants me to check in. You tell me.”
“I’m talking about this relationship we have. What the fuck are you taking about?”
That catches him off guard because his eyes widen and he sits back a little. And this is when I realize something.
He’s lying.
Ark is lying.
I stand up, but he’s got my wrist. “Please, don’t,” he says, pulling me back to the couch. “Please don’t walk away. Because I won’t be able to follow you, Blue. I won’t be able to give you what you’re looking for right now.”
“What do you think I’m looking for? I’d really like to know, because I honestly have no idea.”
“Answers,” he says, pulling me closer to him. “You want answers I can’t give. But I can give you reassurance, Blue.” He lifts me up and places me in his lap. “I can’t tell you things. But I can show you how I feel about you.”
“Why now, though? Why wait until it’s almost too late to show me? Why haven’t you shown me this all these weeks?”
“Is this because I won’t fuck you without JD?”
“That’s part of it. It makes me think you’re only in the relationship for him.”
Ark laughs. “Blue, I’m not gay. I don’t want to fuck JD. I don’t want JD to fuck me. I like watching him fuck you. I like him watching me fuck you. I like him to suck my dick and kiss my mouth. I like his hands on my balls as I pound you from below. I like how he licks your clit when I have you spread open. That moment, when I’m fucking you in the ass, and we’re waiting for JD to put it in your *. But then he leans down and licks you. And when he does that, Blue, he cups my balls and slides his tongue up my shaft. And fuck, I cannot get enough of that. But it’s because of you, baby. The reason I love it is because of you. If you’re not there, I’m not interested.”
“And if he’s not there, you’re not interested in me either?”
“That’s not what I said.”
“I realize that, Ark. But that’s how you act. When we’re alone together you want to take pictures of me. Or talk about going out on a date. Or you talk about JD. Where’s the part where you get invested in me?”
He lays me down in his lap and places his hand on my belly. It makes me think of families. Of the family I will never have. It makes me feel sad, and he sees this because he stares into my eyes. “I want you to be there after, Blue. When this life I’m living right now is over. When things are normal, and the filth of what I’m doing is finally washed away. I want you to be there after. I want to marry you, and be your best friend, and make love to you so that it’s so much more than fucking. I want to take you out on dates and not have to worry about the people who might take you away from me. I want kids—” My face must crumple, because he leans down to kiss my lips, whispering, “We can adopt, baby. So don’t worry about it. We can adopt.”
I nod as the tears appear.
“I want all those things that couples have, Blue. The trinity is fun, but it’s not sustainable. Not everything should come in threes. And all the shit I’ve done since the moment I met you was to make sure that when this fun runs out and there’s only two of us left, it will be you and me, babe.”
I swallow hard. “And what about JD?”
Ark sighs with a shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe this threesome stuff lasts for years. Maybe tonight is a big misunderstanding. Maybe we’re all gonna go home tomorrow and make up. We’ll fuck till we’re sore and sleep till we’re refreshed, and eat and laugh, and do all the things we’ve been doing these past two months. And maybe we make it for a long time. But one day, Blue, he’s gonna want more. I know him better than anyone alive. And when he does decide he wants more, that he wants you without the us, he will ruin everything. Because he cannot have you. I saw you first.”
I bite my lip and close my eyes. “How can you say he’ll ruin everything because he wants more in one breath, and claim me like property in the next? You’re such a hypocrite.”
“Do you want him?” Ark asks. “Instead of me? Because if you do, say so. I’ll back off. But if you don’t, if you want us, or even just me, then you need to trust me. Because I know him better than anyone. I know all the dark places inside his head. You see the charming smile and the playful side—”
“I see a hell of a lot more than that.”
“Thanks for reminding me, Blue.” Ark snarls that last comment. “What you see is the act. I know the truth.”
“Then tell me what it is.”
But he’s shaking his head before I can finish the sentence. “It’s not mine to tell.”
“Oh, my God. I can’t win with you. You want me to know these bad things about JD, but you don’t want to be the one to tell me. You want the three of us to be together, but only under your conditions. You make no sense to me. I just want us to be perfect. I just want us to be together.”