I scrutinized my hands. From knuckles to wrists puckered angry red scars, the only parts of my body with permanent disfigurement from that performance. The rest of the scars, corporeal and otherwise, had faded with skin grafts and physical therapy. I still stood by the show. The photos were glorious, worth every second of pain and the months of recovery. One of them even made a local newspaper.
Ten months after deserting me in the hospital, Gabe had returned to my side, as I knew he would. Our work was finally beginning to take off, but with each new exploit being more dangerous than the last, I fretted over my fans. I couldn’t bear to endanger them; for the first time I had forbidden an audience from attending my performance. The masses would have to settle for a taped viewing. While I worried about my fans, Gabe worried about me. We quarreled incessantly over my safety. What had once been endearing now stifled.
“We should’ve hired a safety crew,” Gabe said.
“That’s what The Five are here for.”
He rolled his eyes. “They’re not qualified.”
“You brood too much.” I wrenched on the dry hood, signaling the end of the parley. Gabe pulled the boots onto my feet, then extended the neoprene gloves. I slid them over my sullied hands, marveled at my body made flawless again. The mask came last. Together we slipped it over my face. Gabe tightened the strap on the back of my head.
“You didn’t watch your best friend go up in flames.”
“Oh, Gabriel, it was five years ago. Enough sniveling.”
He crossed shaking arms. After all this time, he was still afraid.
I had failed him.
“Join me,” I said suddenly.
“Where?”
“In the water. You’ve only ever endured my lectures. You’re overdue to put the lessons into practice.”
Gabe blinked. “You must be joking. I haven’t done any training.”
I knew in my gut this was the solution he needed. It was the right thing to do. “You don’t have to stay in as long as I do. Just experience the sensation of true fearlessness running through your veins. Perhaps then you’ll understand why I do what I do.”
He shook his head. “I’ll take your word for it.”
“Oh, come on. Any of The Five would die for this opportunity.”
“I’m not them. I have a job to do here, in case you’ve forgotten. Your safety is my top priority.”
I waved him off. “The Five will serve as my safety crew. They don’t need a sixth running the show.”
“I don’t—”
“You can come up with as many cockamamie excuses as you want. We both know the real reason you don’t want to.” I paused. “You’re afraid.”
He glanced away.
“Gabriel.” I took his hands in mine. “Do you believe in my—our—mission?”
“Would I be here if I didn’t?”
“Then when are you going to stop letting fear run your life? What happened to the Gabe who knocked on my dressing room door so many years ago, demanding an apprenticeship? The one who called my father a bastard? Who moved to New York despite his own father’s warnings?”
“Don’t go there.” He thrust out his chin. “I’ve got nothing to prove to a dead man.”
“But you have something to prove to someone else. Someone much more important.” I clasped his shoulders. “I see the way you gaze at me before I start a show. Jealously, longingly. Some part of you wants the chance to shine as I do. I’m giving you that chance right now. Prove to yourself you’re every bit as brave as Madame Fearless. I’ll be by your side the entire time.”
Gabe sighed, but there was a glimmer of something in his eyes. “You won’t take no for an answer, will you?”
I laughed. “I can promise you this much. You’re going to feel goddamn invincible.”
* * *
? ? ?
OVER THE YEARS, the question I had been asked most frequently: how do you quit being afraid?
You didn’t, not entirely. You learned to ignore your body’s warnings to stop, turn around, go back before it’s too late.
I squinted up through the murky green water at the round hole in the ice, head pounding. Brain freeze was not uncommon in ice dives; cold water did not mix well with the soft tissues of the head. ThermoKline, the company from whom we purchased the dive gear, had guaranteed any head pain would attenuate quickly, thanks to the innovative features in their new line.
My crew tugged on the yellow safety rope to which I was harnessed. I tugged back, our signal to let them know I was well. Calmly I breathed through the regulator, bubbles dancing away from my body. I turned to Gabe and flashed him a thumbs-up. He returned the gesture. His woe was for naught. We would host no slips or stumbles here. We had spent hundreds of hours training for this performance. Headache or not, I was ready.
The Five had strenuously objected when I announced Gabe would join me in the water, citing the same safety concerns he had. How many more years would it take me to eradicate the beliefs that society had drilled into them? How long until they understood they were all as capable of fearlessness as I was? In that regard, my mission had fizzled. The point of these performances was to inspire others, to make them believe they too could live a life sans fear. Perhaps I needed to rethink my approach.
A camera appeared above the hole. I lifted a hand but did not wave. I wanted to acknowledge my fans with a solemnity appropriate for the occasion. Our intention was to make a feature-length documentary this time, to expand my reach to as many souls as possible. The Five had suggested I record voice-overs for the film in which I would share my knowledge with the rabble. We would call it Madame Fearless Presents . . . Frozen. Hundreds of thousands, even millions, could absorb my teachings. I would revolutionize the psychological lives of the masses like Freud and Jung before me. I’d show my domineering old man once and for all how wrong he was.
I moved away from the hole and imagined The Five starting the stopwatch. I considered the inky water around me, could not quite grasp how dark it was down here, not when I knew the sky to be bursting blue overhead. Gabe aside, another living soul did not stir in these parts, although how could I be certain about that? At this moment some primordial creature might be rising from its slumber on the lake floor. Fangs and claws—remember those old bogeymen? I was a silly girl then, one who had no idea that the monster in the boat was much worse than anything that dwelled underneath it.
How many points would this challenge be worth, Sir?
Depends if you get it right.
This was nothing like Lake Minnich. This time I had a choice.
* * *
? ? ?
I HAD NOT expected invincibility to be quite so laborious. For the past hour I’d sensed I was breathing through an increasingly pinched straw, as though something were obstructing my hose. The regulator I’d chosen was a model not yet on the market but rigorously tested, I had been assured.
I felt a tug on my rope. I pulled back. I would continue to do so no matter how shallow my breathing became, no matter how tightly the chill wrapped itself around my bones. I would not return to land until the record had been beaten.