Alexus holds up a hand. “You’ve only just found each other. I won’t stand in your way if either of you wants to leave.” He looks at me pointedly. “This is what you wanted.”
I can feel Rhonin and Helena’s attention—this mission needs a Seer—but I keep my stare trained on Alexus, something tight coiling in my chest.
This is what I wanted. From the very beginning. To find Nephele and take my family away from war, away from the Frost King, away from the Northlands. Rhonin offered me freedom too, and I’d thought I could seize it, thought that I could run away from everything.
But this time, I hesitate. Because Finn was right. The kind of freedom I long for doesn’t exist, no matter where I go. Not in a world where the Prince of the East has any power and Neri the White Wolf roams free.
I turn to Nephele, perhaps for her to make the decision for me. She shakes her head, a plea of forgiveness painted on her face. Even if I’d made it to Winterhold while Mother still lived, Nephele wouldn’t have fled. She has a new loyalty now, and it isn’t to me.
Abruptly, I rise, my chair clattering to the floor behind me. Nephele reaches for my wrist, but I jerk away from my sister’s touch. Alexus stands and opens his mouth to speak, but this time it’s me who holds up a hand, silencing the Witch Collector, my soul torn for so many reasons I can’t parse them all.
I march toward the library door, feeling Alexus right behind me, but I turn before I leave. He’s so close, towering before me. His nearness takes my breath and heats the mark on my chest.
He lowers his voice, his words meant only for me, though every eye and ear behind him focuses on us both.
“I will not ask you to ride into battle for a man you don’t consider your king, Raina. If you’d rather make your way to the Western Drifts or even off this break, I cannot fault you.”
What was it he’d said? In the cave?
There will be more life after this. You will see your sister, and you’ll figure out your future from there. If I’m not too late to save Colden, the kingdom and the vale will rebuild. If I am too late, I guess I’m going on a quest to save this empire, and you’ll take to the seas and end up with someone who will make you a very happy woman.
He’s never imagined any other outcome. But why would he?
Tears prick my eyes, and heat rushes up my neck and across my face. I don’t know why this angers me so. I only know that I’m scared of what I’m feeling, scared that my already-wounded heart feels at risk for more indescribable loss.
But I form the words burning at the tips of my fingers anyway.
“I would be riding into battle for Colden Moeshka, the man who gave all for my sister and me. I would be riding into battle for the future of Tiressia.” I turn to leave but face him once more. With my hands, I pound out a truth I need him to understand, a truth that’s quickly becoming more than I can stand. “And I would be riding into battle for you.”
43
Raina
There’s a window in Nephele’s bedchamber, covered by a solid shutter to keep out the cold. I open it, make certain no one is below, and toss out the bloody water from the makeshift scrying dish my sister gave me. I’ve watched the waters for the Prince of the East and Colden most of the day. The prince is shrouded in shadow, almost like he’s hiding from me, and the king is in a dirty cell somewhere, the location impossible for me to recognize. Though I sense his frustration and anger, he isn’t in pain or misery. That’s the best information I can provide Nephele and Alexus for now.
I gaze over Winterhold’s darkening yet busy courtyard. More people live here than I imagined, something I questioned Nephele about earlier when she brought me a bowl of stew and bread. Not all are Witch Walkers. Many came from the Icelands far north of here, seeking the protection of the king and the company of a bustling village. Tonight, they’re readying for the departure of their Witch Collector and his retinue that will hopefully rescue their king.
At noon, Alexus spoke to the villagers about Neri, how to watch for his wolves and sense his chilly presence. No one can know what the northern god is up to or what he’ll do now that he’s free of Alexus’s prison. We just have to hope he doesn’t cause problems, and that he leaves the people of Winterhold in peace. But with Colden gone and Alexus away, I can’t help but wonder if Neri won’t try to rule—even without the shell of his human form. He said the only crown in the Northlands belongs to him, and now I suppose he has the chance to claim it.
My eyes catch on Alexus as he leaves what remains of the stables. After speaking to the people about Neri, Alexus and Rhonin rode north to visit some of the families of those he’d asked to make the Summerland journey, and now, when night settles over the land, they’ve finally returned.
I’ve thought of him since morning, my mind at war about what to do. His cloak and hair billow in the snowy wind, his every stride sure and strong but heavy with an invisible burden I know he carries. He glances at my window, and though I think better of it, I don’t move away. My anger has been tempered. I don’t want to argue.
But I also don’t want to hurt anymore.
With a nod in my direction, he disappears into the main hall.
Nephele and I decided that we will be in the band of Witch Walkers and any others who leave Winterhold come morning. A decision I made on my own, however, was to protect my heart, to stifle this growing presence between Alexus and me that thrives like its own entity. I’ll keep the rune for now, at least until I know more about what it entails, but I cannot put my heart in such precarious hands as those of Alexus Thibault. What lives between us is only there because we survived so much together—just like he said in the cave.
I just need to tell him how I feel.
I’m waiting by his door when he turns down the hall. I’m dressed for bed, my sleeping gown covered by a blue velvet robe. He’s carrying his traveling cloak, a striking figure in a black tunic and dark leather trousers. When he lifts his eyes, the sight of me halts his steps, but after a moment, he continues, if a little more hesitantly.
He pauses at the entrance to his chamber, stripping a pair of gloves from his hands. Without a word, he opens his door, swinging it wide, and gestures for me to enter.
I step inside, sweeping a glance over the room as his scent envelopes me. The maidservants have stoked the fire for the night, and nests of candles—placed atop elegant silver stands—burn in each corner.
I rehearsed my words for hours, yet when I face Alexus, I don’t know what to say. He takes a step toward me, and suddenly he’s inches away.
I breathe him in, and all the air in my lungs evaporates. Being near him like this is all it takes to send a rush of knowing through me.
I’ve lied to myself all day.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I know you’ve endured enough since meeting me. I didn’t mean to bring you more suffering, but I had to tell you the truth about me and Colden.”
I shake my head and stare at my fidgeting fingers.