She had given up long ago on the idea of falling in love, getting married, and having children. Her obsessive independence and deeply ingrained mistrust of people would never allow her to make the emotional commitment to a marriage; her selfishness and self-indulgence would never permit her to care for a child. She never felt safe with a man unless she was in total control, emotionally and physically. These feelings manifested themselves in the act of sex itself. Catherine had discovered long ago that she was incapable of having an orgasm unless she was on top.
She had formed an image of the kind of life she wanted for herself. When the war was over she would go somewhere warm--the Costa del Sol, the south of France, Italy perhaps--and buy herself a small villa overlooking the sea. She would live alone and cut off her hair and lie on the beach until her skin was deep brown, and if she needed a man she would bring him to her villa and use his body until she was satisfied and then she would throw him out and sit by her fire and be alone again with the sound of the sea. Perhaps she would let Maria stay with her sometimes. Maria was the only one who understood her. That's why it hurt Catherine so much that Maria had betrayed her.
Catherine didn't hate herself for the way she was, nor did she love herself. On the few occasions when she had reflected on her own psychology, she had thought of herself as a rather interesting character. She had also come to the realization that she was perfectly suited to being a spy--emotionally, physically, and intellectually. Vogel had recognized this, and so had Emilio. She loathed them both but she could not find fault with their conclusions. When she gazed at her reflection in the mirror now, one word came to mind: spy.
The taxi drew to a halt in front of Jordan's house. He took her hand to help her out of the car, then paid off the driver. He unlocked the front door to the house and showed her inside. He closed the door before turning on the lights--blackout rules. For an instant Catherine felt disoriented and exposed. She didn't like being in a strange place with a strange man in the dark. Jordan quickly switched on the lights and illuminated the room.
"My goodness," she said. "How did you get a billet like this? I thought all American officers were packed into hotels and boardinghouses."
Catherine knew the answer, of course. But she needed to ask the question. It was rare for an American officer to be living alone in such a place.
"My father-in-law bought the house years ago. He spent a great deal of time in London on both business and pleasure and decided he wanted a pied-a-terre here. I have to admit I'm glad he bought it. The thought of spending the war packed like a sardine in Grosvenor House really doesn't appeal to me. Here, let me take your coat."
He helped her off with her overcoat and went to hang it in the closet. Catherine surveyed the drawing room. It was handsomely furnished with the sort of deep leather couches and chairs one finds in a private London club. The walls were paneled; the wood floors were stained a deep brown and polished to a lustrous shine. The rugs scattered about were of excellent quality. There was one unique feature about the room--the walls were covered with photographs of bridges.
"You're married, then," Catherine said, making sure there was a slight note of disappointment in her voice.
"I beg your pardon?" he said, returning to the room.
"You said your father-in-law owns this house."
"I suppose I should say my former father-in-law. My wife was killed in an automobile accident before the war."
"I'm sorry, Peter. I didn't mean to--"
"Please, it's fine. It was a long time ago."
She nodded toward the wall and said, "You like bridges."
"You might say that, yes. I build them."
Catherine walked across the room and looked at one of the photographs close up. It was the Hudson River bridge for which Jordan had been named Engineer of the Year in 1938.
"You designed these?"
"Actually, architects design them. I'm an engineer. They put a design on paper and I tell them whether the thing will stand up or not. Sometimes I make them change the design. Sometimes, if it's terrific like that one, I find a way to make it work."
"Sounds challenging."
"It can be," he said. "But sometimes it can be tedious and dull, and it makes for boring conversation at cocktail parties."
"I didn't know the navy needed bridges."
"They don't." Jordan hesitated. "I'm sorry. I can't discuss my--"
"Please. Believe me, I understand the rules."
"I could do the cooking, but I couldn't guarantee that the food would be edible."
"Just show me where the kitchen is."
"Through that door. If you don't mind, I'd like to change. I still can't get used to wearing this damned uniform."
"Certainly."