Abe’s funeral was on a perfect October day. The air was crisp and the sky clear and cloudless, as blue as Abe’s eyes on their first date. It was exactly the kind of weather Abe loved. Helen knew it was ridiculous to think Abe would have enjoyed his own funeral, but as she listened to the rabbi speak about her husband, that was all she could think of: how if Abe had walked into the room right then, his face would have lit up with joy. Abe loved any kind of gathering of people. Put all the people he knew, all his family and friends and coworkers, in one room together, and Helen just knew he would have loved it. That was the thought she clung to when other thoughts became too bleak. Thinking of Abe, smiling and cheerful, was her greatest comfort.
Six months after the funeral, Helen was beginning to recover. Her sons and her grandchildren kept her busy, and Judith was a great support. Sol came over a few mornings a week to check on her, and Arlene called at least twice a day. Between her family and some of the neighborhood women who had taken an interest in her, Helen’s life was busier than ever. The only person she hadn’t seen much of was Natalie.
She understood, of course. Natalie was in her senior year of college, hard at work on her final projects and thesis. Helen wasn’t exactly sure what a “thesis” was, but Judith described it as a long research paper, the culmination of all of Natalie’s studies in mathematics. It was natural that Natalie should be spending most of her time on it. Helen called Natalie several times a week on the phone, but their conversations were always short, and Helen thought she sounded depressed.
Natalie had always been more interested in her schoolwork than her brothers, but Helen hadn’t really understood how driven she was until she started college. There was something familiar about seeing her daughter’s world widening and her ambition multiplying exponentially as the months and years of college went by. So much change and evolution in such a brief period of time, just like the first few years of Natalie’s life. For Helen, it felt like she was watching Natalie grow up all over again. Only this time Natalie wasn’t learning how to walk or speak, she was learning (she told Helen) how to think.
Abe had been there to see the majority of it. But the fact that he would not be there for Natalie’s graduation was a terrible disappointment. Helen was infuriated by the unfairness of it. He had sat through most of the performance, but he would miss the final bow.
When Natalie came home for the occasional weekend here and there, Helen worried even more. Natalie looked tired. She was painfully thin. She slept until noon and only poked at the food Helen made, even the homemade cookies. When Helen asked about her love life, Natalie seemed upset and mumbled about having no time.
The day Natalie’s thesis was due, Helen called her in the evening. She may not have entirely understood what Natalie was studying, but she wanted to congratulate her on her achievement. Natalie had mentioned that all papers were to be handed in to the department head by 4:00 p.m. and that there would be a champagne reception for the mathematics department at five. Helen checked the clock. It was almost eight-thirty. There was a possibility Natalie would be out celebrating with friends, but she wanted to try calling anyway.
There was no answer at eight-thirty, so Helen tried again at nine-thirty. On her third try, a few minutes before eleven, someone finally answered.
“Aunt Helen, it’s me, Johnny.”
“Johnny? What are you doing there?”
“I took Natalie out to dinner to celebrate finishing her thesis. She’s been working so hard, I wanted to do something nice for her.”
“Well, aren’t you thoughtful. Can you put the scholar on the phone, please?”
“Sure. Here she is. Good night, Aunt Helen.”
“Good night, dear.” There was some rustling and then Natalie was on the line.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Congratulations, honey!”
“Thanks.” Helen was expecting Natalie to sound happy, elated, even. Instead, she sounded nervous.
“Johnny’s leaving in a few minutes. He just took me out to dinner to celebrate.”
“That was so nice!”
“Listen, I’m not going to talk long. I want to say goodbye to Johnny, and I’m really tired, so…”
“I won’t keep you. I just wanted to say congratulations and I’ll see you this weekend. Are you still getting the three o’clock train Friday?”
“Yes, I’ll see you then.”
“All right, sweetheart. I’ll pick you up at the station.”
“Bye.”
Helen was baffled. Why had Natalie been so anxious to get off the phone? She should have been on cloud nine after finishing all that work, but all Helen heard was worry in her voice. What was going on?
Chapter 68
NATALIE
“You shouldn’t have answered the phone.”
“C’mon, Nat. I spoke to her for two seconds. Besides, it’s not like she thinks we never see each other.”
“Maybe, but now she’s going to be wondering why you were in my room at eleven o’clock!” Natalie was pacing now, from the door to the window that looked out over Claremont Avenue. In the tiny dorm room, it wasn’t more than a few feet. Johnny took her in his arms, holding her close and tight. Her breathing slowed and she began to relax.
“What are we going to do?” she whispered.
He answered her between kisses. “We. Are. Going. To. Get. Married.”
“What will we tell them?”
Johnny kissed her again, longer this time. “We’ll tell them I love you. We’ll tell them you love me.” He was tired of talking. His lips were on her neck, her shoulders, her mouth. His hands were in her hair, at her waist. She didn’t want him to stop, she didn’t want to think about anything but him. But she couldn’t help herself.
“Johnny?”
“Mmm?”
“I told Judith about us.”
“Good.” Unfazed, he pulled his shirt over his head.
“I’m going to tell my mother on Friday.” If he had been anyone else, she would have felt ridiculous bringing up her mother at that moment. But Johnny wasn’t just anyone. He was her confidant, her sweetheart, her truest friend. He understood the gravity of her words. The expression on her face, the tone of her voice, none of it escaped him. Putting passion on hold, he held her and spoke to her as gently as the moment required. “She’s going to understand,” he told her.
“How do you know?”
He spoke with the certainty she needed to hear. “Because she loves you as much as I do and she wants you to be happy.”
Chapter 69
HELEN
Natalie’s anxiety was palpable when Helen picked her up from the train. Helen tried to appear unconcerned, but the farther she drove, the harder it became to hold her tongue. By the time she pulled into the driveway, Helen was practically bursting. She turned off the engine, but before she opened the car door, she had to speak her mind.
“Natalie, what is it? Please, tell me what’s bothering you.”
When she had been very young, Natalie had cried no more or less than other children her age. But after she turned five, Helen could count on one hand the number of times she had seen Natalie break down. The first was when Teddy died, and the second was when Natalie was eleven and broke her elbow. The third was Mimi’s wedding, when Rose yelled at her in the hallway, and the last time was six months ago at Abe’s funeral. Natalie was an exceptionally composed young woman. So when she burst into tears in the car, Helen knew something was very wrong.
“Do you want to go into the house and talk?” Helen asked, but Natalie couldn’t answer. She shook her head back and forth, sobbing. It was a side of her Helen had never seen. What could make a girl like that, so strong, so sure of herself, cry like her heart was breaking? The moment she asked herself the question, of course, was the moment Helen had her answer. Natalie’s heart was breaking. Natalie was in love.