Embarrassed, I immediately dropped his hand and then organized a relay line to unload the boat as quickly as possible, still feeling the pressure of my hand in his.
We set up our chairs on the creek side of the sandbar so the children could take turns bogging in the mud and then swimming in the river to wash it off. Gibbes had unwrapped Owen’s ankle and laid the bandage out to dry with a promise that it would go back on the second Owen returned to the boat. Although both children were strong swimmers, Gibbes went out with them each time, while I stayed on the sand, watching.
The last time they’d come back from swimming, the children sat in the sand and began making a large castle with a deep moat. Gibbes sat down under the umbrella in the chair next to mine and reached over into a cooler and grabbed a beer, then handed one to me.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go swimming? You could hold my hand again.” He grinned like he was joking, but I knew he wasn’t.
I shook my head. “I waded in the water. I think that’s enough for one day.”
He took a swig from his can. “You said your mother made you take swimming lessons. You probably still remember how.”
I pressed the cold can to my cheek, trying to cool a burning sensation that had nothing to do with the sun. “I know. But knowing how doesn’t make me want to dive right in. I just don’t like the water.”
I felt his gaze on me and turned to meet his eyes. “You said that Cal once tried to help you get through your fear. What did he do?”
Putting the can to my mouth, I drank three gulps, the cold alcohol trickling down my throat and into my bloodstream. I took three more, wanting the alcohol to get to my head quicker so I wouldn’t have to remember.
“You don’t want to know,” I said, my body feeling heavy as I shrank further into my chair.
“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.”
With a defiant flick of my wrist, I downed the rest of the beer, waiting until I could feel the beginning of a buzz as it traveled through my bloodstream and hit my brain.
I squinted my eyes out toward the river, where the bridge connected downtown Beaufort with Lady’s Island, and people crossed it by the hundreds every day without even thinking about how high they were, or what would happen if their car slipped off the side.
My tongue felt heavy and slurred my words. “He filled a bathtub full of ice-cold water, and then held my face under until I couldn’t hold my breath any longer. And then he let me up just long enough for me to grab a single breath before he did it again.”
“Bastard.” Gibbes dropped his beer in the sand and leaned forward on his knees. When he looked at me, the sun turned his eyes to gold so that they didn’t look like Cal’s anymore. “If I had known, I would have stopped him. I would have done something so that he never laid a hand on you.” He paused. “Even if it meant killing him with my own bare hands.”
“I didn’t need you to kill him.” I blinked, my eyelids languid in the heat, my brain waves slowed by the alcohol and the rhythm of the waves caused by a passing boat. “Because I did.” The empty beer can slid from my hand and hit his with a tinny clink.
He reached up and cupped my cheek, his thumb rubbing away a tear I hadn’t wanted to shed. I’d long ago stopped shedding tears over Cal. But maybe this time I was shedding it for me.
“The night he died, he apologized for hurting me again, and said how he hated himself for not being able to stop. And he told me he loved me.”
I dug my feet under the sand, feeling the coolness there, wondering how it would feel to bury my whole body beneath it, how each grain was so small, yet how heavy it would be to be buried alive in it. “I told him that to save us both he should walk into that fire and never come out.” I shrugged. “And he did.”
He slid his hand behind the base of my skull and brought me toward him, then gently pressed his lips to mine. His face was serious when he pulled back. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry that you lived through that, and that there was nobody to help you. And I’m sorry that you feel guilt over his death.” He sat back, still looking at me. “You are so much stronger and braver than you think you are. I just wish you could see you as I see you.”
“Dr. Heyward?” Maris’s voice piped up behind him. “Can we stay to watch the sunset? I always do when I’m here with my family.”
Gibbes stood. “Not tonight. We have a refrigerator to go buy. But the sandbar isn’t going away anytime soon, so we’ll come back, okay?”
He took my hand and pulled me up from my chair. “I won’t let go, okay? When you’re ready to swim, just let me know.”
I nodded numbly, then pulled away and began to pack up our things and help Gibbes bring them to the boat.