Of the thousand men who had been stationed at Falstan Lake, fewer than a couple hundred had made it into the forest. We took refuge deep within the thickest part of the woods where little light from the stars broke through. A few fires were already built, and my soldiers huddled around them, exhausted, broken, and without hope. Tobias and Amarinda were busy treating the mildly wounded, but the more seriously injured remained in the wagons. Nothing could save them.
And then there was Mott, his life teetering at the edge of death. I stood beside the wagon that had carried him here, feeling more helpless than I ever had before. Tobias had already bound the stab wound, but Mott was still struggling for breath and falling in and out of consciousness.
“What can be done to save him?” I asked Tobias quietly.
Tobias only shrugged. “Everything was left behind in our camp. All the bandages, and medicines, and tools. I found an aravac plant to help with his pain. But I can’t save him. Not here.”
Until his last drawn breath, I would never give up on Mott. How many times had he expressed his willingness to follow me into the devils’ lair and back again? War had come, and he had indeed followed me down the darkest of paths. He remained there now, hovering in the shadows between life and death. I had to lead him back out again. But it would cost me dearly.
I bit on my lip as I considered my options. Or, if I was being honest, there was only one terrible choice left. It had always been in the back of my mind, as if I knew from the beginning that something like this would be inevitable. Once the decision was made, every other random possibility I’d ever considered came together in my mind like a completed puzzle. To Tobias, I said, “If you had those supplies, could you save him?”
“I could probably save many of these men. But —” Tobias’s eyes narrowed. “No, Jaron. Whatever you’re thinking —”
“I’m thinking that Mott is going to die!” I hissed. “I already lost Imogen and it nearly destroyed me. We’re going to lose this war too. I will not lose any more lives.”
“What about your life? That camp is crawling with Avenians. You cannot sneak back there!”
“No,” I mumbled, “I can’t sneak in. But I will get those supplies.” He called after me when I strode away, but I refused to acknowledge him. The last thing I needed was rational advice.
Amarinda found me several minutes later as I was at the edge of our refuge, saddling a horse. Her fists were clenched and her shoulders thrown back. I recognized that posture from the many times Imogen had been angry with me. Now Amarinda said, “I know where you’re going. Jaron, I am begging you not to do this!”
I had no interest in quarreling with her. For better or worse, nothing could change my mind at this point. “Tobias must be desperate if he sent you to stop me.”
“He sent me too.” Fink appeared from behind her. “Please don’t go.”
I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t. With my eyes still on the saddle, I said, “This has to be done, Fink. Even if you don’t understand that yet.”
“I understand it plenty. They’re going to kill you!”
Did he think my fate was any better if I stayed in the woods? Even if none of us wanted to say it, we all knew there would be another battle tomorrow, far worse than today’s disaster. No matter how hard we fought, or how cleverly I planned, by sunset tomorrow, several hundred more would be dead. I would be one of them.
“What would Imogen want you to do?” Amarinda asked. “If she asked you to stay here, would you run so openly toward your own death?”
My voice was gentle when I spoke to her. “It’s never been a secret that I’ve had no desire to be king. Why did people think that was? I always knew how this might end.” Then I turned back to the saddle to tighten the straps. “But it’s all right. I understand now what Imogen did for me, and that’s what I’ve got to do for Carthya.”
“Imogen would —”
“She would hate me for this.” I released the saddle straps and took Amarinda by the hand instead. “But that doesn’t mean I’m wrong. I’m going to try my best, and I still have some options. But if things go badly, and they might, then don’t be sad for me.” She looked away, but she needed to understand that I intended to bring this war to an end. One way or another, I would soon be at peace, which was all I had ever wanted. “Imogen will meet me in the afterlife. My family will be there too, and Mott if I don’t get him those medicines.”
When he spoke, the muscles on Fink’s face became pinched and knotted. “What about me? You’re the only family I’ve got.” His tone nearly stopped me then. He’d already gone through believing me to be dead once. I hated to make him endure that again.
I released Amarinda, and then reached for my sword, which I had left propped against a tree. I told Fink to hold out his hands, and into them I placed my sword.
“Take care of this,” I said. “You’re a knight of Carthya, remember? This sword belongs to you now.”
“Only until you come back.” He lowered the sword to his side, then said, “Come back, please. I don’t want to be alone again.”
“I promise to try. But even if I don’t, you’ll always have Amarinda and Tobias.”
“Tobias lectures too much.” Fink closed his eyes tight and shook his head. “Besides, I need you.”
“All of Carthya needs you,” Amarinda added.
“Then let me do what I must to save it.” I finished preparing the horse, but before I could climb on, Amarinda put a hand on my arm.
“Your family would be proud of who you’ve become,” she whispered. “They would’ve given everything to see what a great leader you are.”
“They did give everything.” I sighed as their faces passed through my mind. “Whatever happens next, never let it be said that I failed my father. Tell the people I did everything I could.”
“They already know it. Come back to us, Jaron.”
“If you die, I’ll tell the saints not to let you in,” Fink said irritably. It was nearly what I had told him while we were stranded on the cliff.
I answered that he’d better hope the saints did let me in, or who else would take care of him in the afterlife one day? I smiled when I said it, but Fink only stuck his jaw forward, similar to the way I did when I was being stubborn. Then I kissed Amarinda’s cheek and climbed onto the horse. Before I left, I turned back to them and said, “If Tobias becomes king of this land, then don’t let him touch my sword. He’ll hurt somebody with it, and not in the good way either.”
I rode off without looking back, and paused only once, at the edge of the forest. The camp that had been mine only hours ago now displayed Avenian colors, and was alive with crackling fires and the smell of stew. The shadows of soldiers at vigil duty frequently crossed in front of the fires, and orders were being shouted to situate everyone within the camp for the night. I got a distant look at my tent, lit from within by lanterns. Perhaps Vargan was in there, maybe Conner as well.
Amarinda’s question echoed in my head, of what Imogen would say if she were here. She’d be furious, no doubt. And then I’d remind her that it wasn’t much different from what she had done for me. Sacrificing oneself so that others might live was the ultimate act of love.
That was what Mott had wanted me to understand, and now I did. Of all emotions, none were more powerful than love. The irony was that if he knew my plans, Mott would rise from his bed and crawl here to stop me. If he knew what I was about to do, not the devils nor death itself could keep him away.
Reminded of him now, and the urgency of time, I pressed forward. But the memories of how Vargan’s men had treated me before were still fresh in my mind, like tender scars that would soon be torn apart into new wounds. It would be worse this time, and the thought of it made my hands shake so hard that it was difficult to keep hold of the reins. I cursed at my cowardice and told myself this was the last hope we had. Even knowing that, I still had to force my legs to prod the horse onward.
The vigils saw me coming from some distance and a dozen or more of them rode out to meet me. Terrowic, the man who had been so cruel when I was a prisoner before, reached me first. I was unarmed and told him so before they arrived, but they still surrounded me as if I were packed with gunpowder. Even though I was offering no threat, when Commander Kippenger arrived, he yanked me off the horse and threw me to the ground. His men carefully checked me for any weapons, then at last he pulled me to my feet and demanded to know why I had come.
“Take me to King Vargan,” I said. “If he can hear you calling him above the sound of his snores.”
“The king and Lord Conner have left for elsewhere in Carthya. There are other battles besides this one, you know.”
“But this is the only one that matters.” I studied Kippenger’s eyes. He looked as tired as I felt, and certainly as battle weary. “We both lost a lot of men here today. There’s one in particular, a very good friend of mine, who will die if I don’t get your help.”
Kippenger folded his arms, but didn’t display any of the cold arrogance I would have expected. He only said, “Why should I help you?”
“Because it benefits you too. If you wish to gain favor with your king, then help me. If you will, then I’ll give you what he wants most.”
“What’s that?”
I rolled my eyes. “Well, me.” Obviously.
“You dare to set terms? I have you right now.”
“You have the cooperative me right now. Try to take me by force and I promise that one of us will not make it to Vargan alive. My terms are simple, Kippenger.”
His patience with me was already wearing thin. “What is it you want, then?” he asked.
“An end to the fighting. Take your men and leave this place. And I want the immediate delivery of all medical supplies in this camp to my soldiers who are in the forest.”
“Ah. And for that, I get to take you to my king?”
For the first time that evening, my breath relaxed. “Better than that. In exchange for my demands, I will surrender Carthya.”