CHAPTER
25
OPENING MY eyes, I stared up at the bluish glow flashing across the ceiling from the TV. The volume was turned down to nothing but hushed whispers. I must’ve fallen asleep.
You‘re so very lucky.
I dipped my chin, my gaze traveling over the still form of Josie. Emotionally spent, she had fallen asleep in my arms. Hadn’t even woken up when I’d repositioned us at the head of the bed. She stayed in my arms, her body curled on her side, hips between mine, head on my chest.
I tucked a strand of hair back behind her ear. She stirred, but whatever she murmured was completely unintelligible. The arm I had draped over her waist tightened of its own accord.
Had I ever held a girl like this? Maybe once or twice with Alex, but with her it had never been a case of her really wanting to be there, with me. More so a case of her needing to be close to me, and that was a big difference. Honestly, Alex and I…we had needed each other.
We’d never wanted each other. Not in the way she’d wanted Aiden St. Delphi and not in the way I wanted—I cut myself off, even though it was pointless. But sometimes it felt like, if I didn’t allow myself to finish a thought, it wasn’t true. Dumb-as-shit logic right there.
Josie shifted again, curling her small hand into a fist against my chest. I wondered what she dreamt and hoped it was something peaceful as I stared at the faint bruises shadowing the insides of her forearms. Eventually her skin would toughen against the training, but would she? So far she had accepted everything tossed her way, but I knew she would still hesitate when it came to killing something. That last shred of morality would be near-impossible for her to leave behind and accept.
There weren’t a lot of things in this world that scared me, but knowing there was a good chance she wouldn’t be able to kill… Yeah, it terrified me.
I closed my eyes, sucking in an unsteady breath. If she knew everything about me, everything that I had done, she wouldn’t be lying in my arms like this. She wouldn’t be anywhere near me, let alone wanting me to kiss her. So, yeah, I was lucky right now.
I needed to get my ass out of there before…before what? Before this went any further. Before she got herself so deep inside me I wouldn’t be able to get her out. And before she found out what I really was.
“Seth?”
My lids lifted at the sound of her sleepy voice. Her head was tilted back, her blue gaze on my face. “Hey.”
She blinked slowly. “I fell asleep on you.”
“It’s okay,” I told her. “I didn’t mind.”
A soft smile curved up her lips, and my gut dropped a little. A smile…I’d never known a smile could have that kind of effect. Could feel like a kick to the chest. “Thanks for…well, for also letting me cry on you.” A pink stain spread across her cheeks. Fascinating. “And for staying with me.”
“It’s not a big deal.” I tried to shift inconspicuously. Now that she was awake and moving, so was my cock. “You hanging in there?”
She settled her cheek against my chest again, apparently going nowhere, and that…that was okay with me. “I think I’m better,” she said quietly as she wiggled her hips, causing my hand against her stomach to flex. “I needed to let it out, I guess. I was holding it in. But I…I really don’t know what to think about Apollo. I just can’t really think about him being…being my father.”
“Who would want to think about Apollo being their father?”
She giggled, and I felt my lips respond in a grin. “Yeah, good point.”
“Out of everything you’re dealing with, I think it’s okay to put that on the back burner for a little while. Just don’t be surprised if he pops up again.”
“Hopefully when we’re not making out,” she muttered wryly.
I started to laugh, because that made two of us, but the humor faded quicker than morning frost. “I should probably get next door.”
Josie jumped off my chest so quickly I thought there were springs under her ass. Planting her hands on my thighs, she twisted around so that she faced me. “You’re going to leave now?”
I opened my mouth.
“Think before you answer that question, Sethie.”
Caught between wanting to laugh and kiss her and getting the hell out of there, I stared at her for what felt like a full minute. “Josie, I…” I trailed off as her eyes narrowed. “I’m not trying to be a dick—”
“Really? You kissed me earlier. Like really kissed me, and it sounds like you’re about to write that off, and yeah, that makes you a dick.”
“Damn, you’re feisty when you want to be,” I murmured, kind of turned on by her display of attitude. But as her lips thinned, for a second, I thought she might hit me.
“Sometimes I really don’t like you,” she said.
“The thing is, Josie, if you really knew me, you wouldn’t like me.” Pulling my right leg up, I shifted so there was some space between us. “You wouldn’t be in the same room as me.”
Josie sat back on her calves, and I wanted to get hit with another dose of anger—rightful anger. “Why?” she said softly, surprising me. “I really would like to know, because I think I know you. I know you better than I’ve known anyone else. So tell me why.”
Shoving my fingers through my hair, I resisted the urge to pull on it.
“Come on, Seth. You saw me at my worst and didn’t run. Do you think I will?”
I lifted my gaze, meeting her steady one. “Do you know what I was doing for the last year? Before I was sent to get you? I was hunting down those who sided with Ares. And by hunting down, I don’t mean rounding them up to have brunch and crumpets, Josie.”
“I figured you weren’t having lunch with them,” she said, plopping back on her ass. Her eyes never left mine.
“Did you?” I rose, shifting my weight onto my arms as I planted my hands on either side of her legs and leaned in so that we were face to face. “Those I hunted down—they were living, breathing people. Some of them pures. Some of them halfs. And some were mortals.”
She still held my stare, and I wanted her to look away, to turn away and prove what I thought. “None of them were arrested or tried in a court. All of them were deemed guilty before I even laid eyes on them. My orders were to kill them. And I did.”
Her chest rose sharply, but still, she did not look away.
“I cannot even begin to count how many lives I’ve ended with these hands. These hands, Josie.” Lifting them, I curved them over her knees. “The ones you want touching you.”
Her lips parted. “It was your job, Seth, it—”
“It was who I was. An executioner,” I cut in, my voice pitching low. “I killed people. Sometimes I didn’t make it quick. Do you know what that makes me?”
She didn’t answer.
I gave her one. “A monster. It makes me a monster.”
“No.” Her hands landed atop mine, and when I started to pull them away, she held on. “You are not a monster, Seth. You did what you had to do. What you were ordered to do.”
“Josie—”
“There are people—mortals—who kill other people every day because they are ordered to do so. Does that make men and women in the military monsters? What about police?” Her slim fingers gripped mine. “And would you have done those things if you hadn’t been ordered?”