The third method of self-distancing, as Julius Caesar and Elmo teach us, is through language. Kross, Ayduk, and others have carried out some fascinating research concluding that “subtle shifts in the language people use to refer to themselves during introspection can influence their capacity to regulate how they think, feel, and behave under stress.”?[40] When we abandon the first person in talking to ourselves, the distance that creates can help us recast threats as challenges and replace distress with meaning. For example, borrowing a page from Caesar, Grossmann and several colleagues found that getting people to write about their challenges using third-person pronouns like “she,” “him,” and “they” rather than first-person pronouns like “I,” “me,” and “my” increased their intellectual humility and sharpened the way they reasoned through difficulties.[41] Addressing regrets in the second person—referring to oneself as “you” rather than “I”—also strengthens people’s behavior and deepens their commitment to improving future behavior, according to research by Sanda Dolcos and Dolores Albarracín.[42] Similarly, deploying what some call the “universal you”—using “you” to mean people in general—can destigmatize negative experiences and help people pull meaning from them.[43]
And Elmo might be wiser than he looks. Addressing yourself by your name has similar effects. For example, another Kross-led project found that during the 2014 Ebola scare, people who were randomly assigned to use their own name, rather than “I,” in thinking about the disease were better able to generate fact-based reasons not to panic about the outbreak.[44] Equally important, self-distancing through language is neither laborious nor time-consuming. According to one neuroimaging study, its effects can kick in within one second.[45]
So, to gain the benefits of self-distancing, try any of the following:
Imagine your best friend is confronting the same regret that you’re dealing with. What is the lesson that the regret teaches them? What would you tell them to do next? Be as specific as you can. Now follow your own advice.
Imagine that you are a neutral expert—a doctor of regret sciences—analyzing your regret in a clean, pristine examination room. What is your diagnosis? Explain in clinical terms what went wrong. Next, what is your prescription? Now write an email to yourself—using your first name and the pronoun “you”—outlining the small steps you need to learn from the regret.
If your regret involves your business or career, try a technique from the late Intel CEO Andy Grove, who reportedly would ask himself, “If I were replaced tomorrow, what would my successor do?”?[46]
Imagine it is ten years from now and you’re looking back with pride on how you responded to this regret. What did you do?
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Looking backward can move us forward, but only if we do it right. The sequence of self-disclosure, self-compassion, and self-distancing offers a simple yet systematic way to transform regret into a powerful force for stability, achievement, and purpose.
* * *
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But we’re still not quite done. It’s also possible to move forward by looking forward—by foreseeing regrets before they occur.
SEVEN OTHER TECHNIQUES YOU WON’T REGRET
1. Start a regret circle.
Think of regret circles as close cousins of book clubs. Gather five or six friends over coffee, tea, or drinks. Ask two of them to come prepared with a significant regret. Let them tell the story of their regrets. Have the others respond to each regret first by categorizing it. (Is it action or inaction? Into which, if any, of the four deep structure categories does it fall?) Then, for each regret, the group works through the Disclosure-Compassion-Distance process. When the gathering ends, the two people commit to adopting a specific behavior (for example, speaking up to an unpleasant boss or asking out a crush). At the next meeting, the others hold the regretters accountable for that promise—and two new people share their regrets.
2. Create a failure résumé.
Most of us have a résumé—a written compendium of jobs, experiences, and credentials that demonstrate to prospective employers and clients how qualified, adept, and generally awesome we are. Tina Seelig, a professor of practice at Stanford University, says we also need a “failure résumé,” a detailed and thorough inventory of our flops. A failure résumé offers another method for addressing our regrets. The very act of creating one is a form of disclosure. And by eyeing your failure résumé not as its protagonist, but as an observer, you can learn from it without feeling diminished by your mistakes. A few years ago, I compiled a failure résumé, then tried to glean lessons from the many screwups I’d committed. (Disclosing these embarrassments to myself will be sufficient, thank you very much.) I realized I’d repeatedly made variations of the same two mistakes, and that knowledge has helped me avoid those mistakes again.
3. Study self-compassion.
I’ve been reading social science research and attempting to make sense of it for twenty years now, but few subjects have spoken to me as powerfully as the research on self-compassion. Understanding self-compassion helped me curb excessive self-criticism because I became convinced that berating myself, while masochistically enjoyable, just wasn’t effective. Self-compassion similarly helped me see my idiosyncratic struggles as both common and solvable. I encourage you to look more deeply into this topic. One place to begin is Kristin Neff’s website (https://self-compassion.org), where you can measure your own levels of self-compassion. Her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself is also excellent.
4. Pair New Year’s resolutions with Old Year’s regrets.
A core point of this chapter—of this entire book—is that looking backward can move us forward. One way to imprint this principle onto your life is to establish a ritual. In late December, the temporal landmark of January 1 stirs us to make New Year’s resolutions. But as a precursor to that practice, try what I call “Old Year’s regrets.” Look back on the year that’s about to end and list three regrets. Do you regret not reconnecting with a relative or former colleague? Or never getting around to launching that side business? Or telling a lie that compromised your values? Write down these regrets. And make undoing the action regrets and transforming the inaction regrets your top resolutions for the new year.
5. Mentally subtract positive events.
To take the hurt out of a regret, try a mental trick made famous in the 1946 movie It’s a Wonderful Life. On Christmas Eve, George Bailey stands on the brink of suicide when he’s visited by Clarence, an angel who shows George what life in Bedford Falls would be like had he never been born. Clarence’s technique is called “mentally subtracting positive events.”?[47] Think of something good in your life—a close friendship, a career achievement, one of your children. Consider all the decisions and indecisions, mistakes and triumphs, that led to that happy situation. Now take them away. To use an example from the last chapter, I could mentally subtract having met my wife. The result is misery and gloom. But, as happened with George Bailey, the subtraction deepens my gratitude and casts my regrets in a new light.
6. Participate in the World Regret Survey.
If you haven’t done so already, submit your regret to the World Regret Survey (www.worldregretsurvey.com). Putting your regret in writing can defang it—and can offer the distance to evaluate it and plan from it. You can also read other people’s regrets, which provides perspective on our shared humanity and can help strengthen your regret-reckoning muscles. As you read regrets from across the globe, ask yourself: What kind of regret is this? What advice would you give the writer for using her regret as a positive force?
7. Adopt a journey mindset.