“But this is what you do in Amsterdam,” Harry said. “It’s just for fun. You’re not telling me you’re scared of a bit of snatch? And anyway, it’s legal here. So it’s not like we’ll get in any trouble, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“I know,” I said. “I know but I just . . . I can’t. Look, I’ll—I’ll hang around . . . and meet all of you afterward.”
I could tell they thought I was a pussy, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t do it. Ben looked at me then. And even though he couldn’t know, I felt like somehow he got it. But that was Ben all over. Our de facto leader. The grown-up of our little group: somehow more worldly than the rest of us. The one who could talk his way into any nightclub, any hostel that claimed to be full—and out of situations too: he was the one who passed that bribe. I was so envious of that. You can’t learn or buy that sort of charm. But I had wondered if maybe just a little of that confidence, that sureness, might rub off on me.
“I’ll come with you, mate,” he said. Howls of disappointment from the others: “It’ll be weird if it’s just the two of us,” and “What’s wrong with you both? Fuck’s sake.”
But Ben slung an arm around my shoulders. “Let’s leave these losers to their cheap thrills,” he said. “How about we go find a weed café?”
We walked out into the street and instantly I felt like I could breathe easier. We wandered to a spot a couple of streets away. Sat down with our ready-rolled joints.
He leaned forward. “You all right, mate?”
“Yeah . . . fine.” I inhaled greedily, hungry for the weed haze to descend.
“What freaked you out so much?” he asked, a moment later, “about that place back there?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “It’s not something I want to talk about. If that’s OK.”
We’d started with the weaker stuff. It didn’t seem to do all that much at first. But as it kicked in I felt something shift. Actually, now I think about it, maybe it wasn’t so much the weed. It was Ben.
“Look,” he said. “I get that you don’t want to talk. But if you need to get anything off your chest, you know?” He put up his hands. “No judgment here.”
I thought of that place, the girls. I’d kept it inside me for so long, my grim little secret. Maybe it would be a kind of catharsis. I took a deep breath. A long pull of my joint. And then I started talking. Once I started I didn’t want to stop.
I told him about my sixteenth birthday present. How my dad had told me it was time for me to become a man. His gift to me. Best of the best, for his son. He wanted to give me an experience I’d never forget.
I remember the staircase leading downward. Opening that door. Telling him I didn’t want that.
“What?” My dad had stared at me. “You think you’re too good for this? You’re going to throw this back in my face? What’s wrong with you, boy?”
I told Ben how I stayed. Because I had to. And how I left that place a changed person—barely a man yet. How it left its stain on me.
All of a sudden it was just spilling out of me, all my secrets, shit I had never told anyone, like this putrid waterfall. And Ben just sat listening, in the dark of the café.
“Christ,” he said, his pupils large. “That’s seriously fucked-up.” I remember that, clearly.
“I haven’t told anyone else about it,” I said. “Don’t—don’t tell the others, yeah?”
“It’s safe with me,” Ben said.
After that we started on the stronger stuff. Egging each other on. That was when it really hit. We’d look at each other and just giggle, even though we didn’t know why.
“We didn’t see all that much of the city,” I tell Jess, now. “So I’m not exactly what you’d call an expert. If you want a good weed café I could probably tell you that much.”
If only the night had ended there. Without what came next. Without the darkness. The black water of the canal.
Jess
“Hang on,” I say. “You told me you and Ben hadn’t seen each other for over a decade when you guys bumped into each other again?”
“Yes.”
“And that was after that trip, right?”
“Yeah. I hadn’t seen him since then.”
I let it sit a little, wait for him to continue, to explain the long stretch of time. Silence.
“I have to ask,” I say, “what on earth happened in Amsterdam?” I mean it as a joke—mainly. But it feels like there’s something there. The way his voice changed when he spoke about it.
For a moment Nick’s face is a mask. Then it’s like he remembers to smile. “Ha. Just boys being boys. You know.”
A gust of icy wind hits us, ripping leaves from the shrubs and tossing them into the air.
“Jesus!” I say, wrapping my arms around myself.
“You’re shivering,” Nick says.
“Yeah, well—this jacket’s not really designed for the cold. Primarni’s finest.” Though I highly doubt Nick knows what Primark is.
He stretches a hand out toward me, such a sudden motion that I jerk backward.
“Sorry!” he says. “I didn’t mean to startle you. You’ve got a leaf caught in your hair. Wait a second, I’ll get it out.”
“There’s probably all sorts in there,” I say, casting around for a joke. “Food, cigarette butts, the lot.” I can feel the warmth of his breath on my face, his fingers in my hair as he untangles the leaf.
“Here—” he plucks it out and shows it to me: it’s a dead brown ivy leaf. His face is still very close to mine. And in the way you do just know with these things, I think he might be about to kiss me. It’s a very long time since I’ve been kissed by anyone. I find myself letting my lips open slightly.
Then we’re plunged into darkness again.
“Shit,” Nick swears. “It’s the sensors—we’ve been too still.”
He waves an arm and they come back on. But whatever was just happening between us has been shattered. I blink spots of light from my eyes. What the hell was I thinking? I’m trying to find my missing brother. I don’t have time for this.
Nick takes a step away from me. “Right,” he says, not meeting my eyes. “Shall we go back down?”
We climb back down into the apartment. “Hey,” I say. “I think I’ll just find a bathroom.” I need to pull myself together.
“You want me to show you the way?” Nick asks. Clearly he’s familiar with this apartment, I note, despite what he says about not doing this often.
“No, I’m good,” I tell him. “Thanks.”