“I’m not trying to spar. I’m just not up for talking today.”
He tapped his left temple, then pointed to hers. “Anything to do with that?”
Reflexively, her hand went to her temple, where she ran a finger over a large bruise. “No. That’s got nothing to do with it.”
“How did you pick it up?”
“At the mall. I was handing a shoplifter over to the cops. She swung an arm, and I caught an elbow.”
Jarocki winced. “Nasty.”
“All in a day’s work for a mall cop.”
She injected some levity into her response and received a polite smile for her effort.
Jarocki flicked through his notes. “Speaking of careers, today is a special day.”
“It is?”
“Yes. A year ago, you dropped out of your PhD program. You said you wanted to give yourself time to heal, which was a decision I fully supported. We agreed on a year. Well, it’s been a year. Ready to go back?”
“No. I don’t think I’m up for that.” She hoped her answer was concise and delivered with a sense of finality that would cause Jarocki to move on to a fresh tack. He didn’t.
“The mall-security job was supposed to be a stopgap job—your words—while you got yourself back on your feet, before finishing your environmental-policy degree.”
She felt Jarocki inching under her skin—worming his way into her thoughts so he could question her every decision.
“And it is. A year sounds like a stopgap to me.”
“It sounds like a symptom of your trauma. Working as a security guard puts you in a potentially dangerous situation again.”
“Being a mall cop is nothing like what happened to me.” She hated the shrill tone that had entered her voice. It proved that Jarocki was getting to her.
“Isn’t it?”
“No.”
“I think we both know that isn’t true. You were a victim of violence, and now you’re in a job where you can be a victim of violence again and again.”
“It’s not the same.”
He pointed to her bruised temple again. “Then what’s that?”
“It’s a bruise. It’s hardly the same.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No, not remotely. Fifteen months ago, I was a victim. Now I’m a warrior and a protector. I stop people from being victimized.”
Silence filled the air between them. She felt the pressure change in the room. It had intensified while they argued, but she felt it bleed off now and return to normal.
“I would dispute that, Zo?. Why did you go for a security job at the Golden Gate Mall?”
“They were hiring.”
“It has nothing to do with it being the mall with the highest crime rate in the Bay Area?”
She said nothing.
“I understand your need not to be viewed as a victim. I understand your desire to stop crime and do good, but mall security isn’t the answer. You’re putting yourself at unnecessary risk. A mall-security officer is unarmed and undertrained. If you wish to fight crime and protect people, then why not apply to be a police officer? At least that way, you’d have proper training and an infrastructure that supports you. With your science background, you’d be a good candidate for a forensic role.”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”
“But you’re ready to be a security guard where there’s a good chance the bad guy will be better armed than you.”
“Hey, that’s not fair.”
“You’re still putting yourself in the firing line, Zo?. Where the rest of world avoids the crosshairs of danger, you step in front of them.”
She shook her head. “Not true.”
“It is and for a very good reason—he’s still out there, living a guilt-free existence.”
For all of Jarocki’s desire to help her, he really knew how to pick at an old wound. She wiped away a tear before it had a chance to streak her face and embarrass her. “Why are you being so mean?”
“I’m not trying to be mean. I’m trying to help you. Post-traumatic stress is a powerful force with the ability to change us. Even the strongest of us. It’s a tidal wave that can’t be avoided. It will hit you and hit you hard. I outlined how it would affect you when you first came to me. We’ve worked together to recognize the signs and how to combat them.”
“I can’t just flip a switch and get over this.”
He smiled. “That’s right, you can’t, but the Zo? who walked into this office last year wouldn’t have known that, so you’ve made progress. There’s no way to just circumvent PTSD. You have to work through it, and some do that more easily than others. No two people will experience the same thing the same way and for the same length of time. All I can do is support you and guide you through the issues as they present themselves. PTSD is like a serious wound. It’ll take time to heal. That said, I think you’re hindering the healing process.”
“What do you mean?”
“When you came to me, you were close to completing your PhD, with a view to working for the EPA. You were on the verge of graduating.”
“Still am.”