My stomach lurches and I snatch my hands away. Touching him makes me want to rip my skin off. Okay, calm. Down. Deep breaths. I go for his ankles. They’re farther away from his head, which is less personal, somehow. They’re still warm. They’re still WARM. I gag again, but somehow, I manage to keep my hands on Mr. Werner’s ankles. I sob out loud as I pull. He’s a lot heavier than I expected. I plant my feet firmly and yank hard. He moves a couple of inches. The cuffs of his pants slide up, revealing skin. Strands of brown leg hair and a tattoo. Somehow, this sight is even more horrific, more sickening than anything. It drives home the fact that I’ve just killed a person. A person with a tattoo, a past, an entire life behind him. Tears course down my cheeks and I’m babbling apologies to thin air, begging the universe to forgive me.
I give another big yank, but my hands slip and I end up falling onto my back. My arms are dead. All the strength has gone out of them, and I feel tired, so goddamn tired. A sob burbles out. Come on, Lia. You can do this. I stagger back to my feet and try again, but it’s no use. I’ll never be able to drag his body uphill and push it over the cliff.
A twig snaps. I jump, looking around me, my breath caught midway through a sob. There’s no one. And then, right at the edge of my hearing, I catch something. A growl. Goose bumps break out across the back of my neck. A wild animal, maybe? I stand there, frozen, sudden terror replacing the wave of guilt. It must be all this blood. It would attract all sorts of animals. What sort of animals are up here? Foxes? Bears? Mountain lions?
Survival instinct takes over for the second time today. I have to go. Now. I take one last look at Mr. Werner, and I run away.
By sheer luck, I go in the right direction, and not long after, I burst out of the woods into the parking lot. The sight of it is so sudden, so surprising that I stand there dumbly for a few moments, breathing hard and not doing anything. Then conscious thought crashes back through my head and I rush to Mr. Werner’s car. I wrench the door open and use my blazer to wipe down all the insides and then the outside of the car.
Have I missed anything? My thoughts are a jumble. All I want to do is to run away and never look back. I force myself to stop and think for a second. I look at my phone. Six-thirty. Shit. I won’t make it back in time for dinner. Panic claws at the edges of my mind and I shove it away.
I should—I—I’ll send a text to Danny and tell him I’m swamped with homework or something.
But when I start to compose the message, my thumbs refuse to move. I can’t. I can’t send a text to Danny, knowing that I’m doing it to cover up my killing his uncle. A sob wrenches its way up my chest. I don’t have it in me to send him a casual text.
Whimpering, I tap on Beth’s name and send her a text instead. Feeling disgusted at myself, I shove my phone back in my bag without waiting for a reply and make my way downhill to the main road.
As I walk, clouds gather and blot out the setting sun. It starts to drizzle, then starts to rain in earnest, cold sheets of water that chill my entire body. Despite the freezing temperature, I welcome the rain. It feels fitting somehow, to be pelted by cold water. I wish for it to rain harder, for it to somehow wash away the memories of what just happened. My tears mingle with the rainwater and drip down my face, and still, I can’t stop crying, can’t stop hearing Mr. Werner’s last gasps over the sound of the rain.
By the time I turn into Draycott’s driveway, my teeth are continuously rattling. I walk around the edge of Draycott until I find the Narnia hole. I take a moment to gulp down my sobs before crawling through. Stop crying, you stupid bitch. Stop it. Thanks to the rain, no one else is out and about, and I’m able to slip inside Mather without anyone noticing.
Fortunately, no one is inside Mather’s hallways either. Back in my room, I strip off my sodden, bloodstained clothes, wrap myself in my bathrobe, and make a dash for the bathroom.
I lock myself in the farthest cubicle and turn on the hot water. I sag against the wall, letting the water stream down my face. I look down at the shower floor. Pink and brown swirls run down my legs and onto the shower floor, and I get a nasty, sudden flash of Mr. Werner gasping, the branch sticking out of his eye.
No!
Think of bunnies. Cute, fluffy bunnies. Panda cubs sneezing. Baby hippos doing somersaults.
My breathing slows down. Back to normal.
Mr. Werner’s tattoo flashes through my mind.
Stop it, I beg my subconscious. Just. Stop. Singing parrots. Grumpy cats. Surprised ocelots.
It’s not working. The cute, fuzzy animals are no match for the insane mess I made. I end up sobbing in the shower again, until my skin’s all wrinkly and I run out of hot water. And then I toddle back to my room, exhausted. Defeated. Irrevocably changed.
Back in my room, I find a message on my phone.
From: Danny Wijaya
I got you something. Can we talk?
There’s a picture of a takeaway box of nasi goreng from the stall we went to on our first date.
I choke back my sob. Oh my god. I bury my head in my hands. Danny doesn’t deserve this. Mr. Werner, as horrible as he was, didn’t deserve it. Oh god. I’ve killed him. I’ve killed another human and then tried to cover it up. I just—what’s happened to me? I don’t know who I am anymore. I disgust myself. I—
I can’t. I can’t live like this. I have to make it right. I’ll come clean to Danny.
Chapter 16
I don’t have long to wait. As soon as I send Danny the message telling him to meet me outside of the Narnia hole, he says he’ll be right there.
I put on a jacket and walk out of my room. Girls are coming back from dinner, so I put my head down and walk quickly, hoping no one notices me. Someone bumps into my shoulder. Elle. She rolls her eyes at me when I look at her and then shares a knowing smile with Arjuna, who’s walking next to her. I ignore them, but my heart is thumping, leaping with paranoia. Do they know? Can they sense my guilt?
Wrapping my arms around myself, I hurry across the quad toward the Eastern Gardens. For the second time that evening, I crawl through the Narnia hole. The twigs and leaves brushing against my face bring about flashbacks of running through the woods, Mr. Werner coming after me, calling my name. Bile lurches up my throat and I almost start dry heaving. I squeeze my eyes shut and push myself through.
Maybe all these awful thoughts will fade after I tell Danny the truth. Even though it’ll mean that I’ll go to prison straight after that, maybe it’ll stop the guilt from boiling through my entire being.
There’s a rustling from the hedge, and my whole body tightens like a violin string. I stand there, practically quivering. God, I hope it’s not kids on their way to some off-campus party. I can’t handle small talk right now. I hold my breath.
Danny’s head pops out of the tunnel. My breath releases in a huge sigh, then I recall why we’re here, and I go back to quivering like a squirrel on speed.
As soon as Danny climbs out and stands up, brushing twigs and leaves out of his hair, I hug him and close my eyes and inhale the scent of him on a shuddery breath. This is it.
“I need to tell you something.”
I blink. We both said it at the same time.
“Wait—” I have to tell him now, before I lose my nerve. “Danny, I—”
“You were right about Uncle James’s cheating ring.”
All thought screams from my head, cutting me off midsentence. “What?”
Danny’s face is tortured. His gaze flits guiltily from my face to the ground and back to my face again. “I’m so sorry, Lia.”