Chapter 40
The following days I felt like a ghost. I floated around campus from lecture to lecture, not talking to anyone for any length of time, not engaging in class. I spent my evenings at home, shut away in my dorm, trying to work, trying to put everything out of my mind.
But I couldn't. It was all I could think about.
I didn't care that I was being forced to keep working. I'd never had a problem with that. I cared that I hadn't seen or heard from Kyle since he'd walked out of the Grange Hotel. I cared that I wouldn't be able to touch him any more, feel his lips on mine, his hands to my body. Above all else, that's what I wanted.
I disappeared into my shell, the world closing in around me. I was ordered to dance for a new client, but it didn't feel natural any more, I didn't enjoy it. The feeling of sexual empowerment and liberation I'd felt before was stunted. It all felt so empty now, so pointless. I had no passion for it, no desire. That had all been sapped, taken by Kyle, a man I could no longer have.
He was my muse, the one I thought of when I danced. Now it had become painful, the idea that I couldn't be with him numbing me.
I still did the job. I had to, there was no other choice on the table for me to consider. I knew I'd get complaints if I didn't perform well. I knew that a complaint was as bad as me not dancing in the first place, as bad as me walking out on my client before finishing the job. I knew, now, that Mr Logan wouldn't tolerate such things, that he'd see his threats realized should I fail to live up to my end of the bargain.
I pulled myself together and played the character I'd been building for months: the stripper, the girl with confidence and immeasurable sexual power. A girl able to make men quiver, make them crumble before her eyes. I disconnected her from my real life, stepped into her shoes and out of them at a whim. It was the only way.
As the weeks began to pass and the memory of Kyle's touch to my skin began to fade, I managed to refocus on college. I became a robot, working all day, my mind set on my exams, and performing when called upon at night. The moneystill rolled in. Mr Logan hadn't taken that privilege away, so at least my forced efforts were well compensated.
Yet still, there remained a gaping hole, one that only Kyle could fill.