But that still leaves us with the question of why parents with young kids report lower levels of overall life satisfaction than their non-parent peers. Well, what we see is that the happiness gap depends on where we measure it. Parents in the US are 12 per cent less satisfied with their life than their non-parent peers; in Britain, the gap is 8 per cent; in Denmark, it is 3 per cent. There is a small happiness gap in Sweden and Norway of around 2 per cent – but in Sweden and Norway parents are happier than people without kids. The Scandinavian countries consistently come out on top in family-friendly rankings; however, Sweden outperforms Denmark for balancing family and work. For instance, Swedish parents are entitled to spend sixty days a year at home caring for a sick child under the age of twelve.
A team of researchers led by Jennifer Glass, a professor of sociology at the University of Texas, examined the parental happiness gap and the level of freedom parents could enjoy in each country. Among the questions they asked were: Is childcare affordable? Is leave available to look after a sick child? Is paid holiday given? In other words, are parents provided with the tools and freedom which help them to combine working and having a family? The results showed that the happiness gap was explained by differences in such family-friendly policies. In countries with the best packages, the parental happiness penalty was eliminated. However, the happiest parents seem to be found in Portugal.
Source: Glass, Simon and Anderson: ‘Parenthood and Happiness: Effects of Work–Family Reconciliation Policies in 22 OECD Countries’, 2016.
In Portugal, grandparents serve as a fundamental support base for parents and have a functional role in the raising of grandchildren. According to a comprehensive study which was initiated in 2005 and has since monitored the routines of six thousand children and thousands of parents and grandparents, Portuguese grandparents play a key role in the day-to-day life of Portuguese families and help with the daily routine of looking after their grandchildren. An impressive 72 per cent said that grandparents were their primary partners in the education of their children and helped with homework and extracurricular activities. When six grown-ups instead of two take an active part in and responsibility for accompanying the kids to school, supervising homework, cooking, taking the kids to sports and other clubs and doing other chores, it provides the parents with more freedom and free time – and, as it turns out, greater levels of happiness.
Jennifer Glass explained to the New York Times that all the countries surveyed had more extensive policies to support working families than the US. This issue has also been raised by British comedian and host of the TV show Last Week Tonight John Oliver, who pointed out in a Mother’s Day special that US and Papua New Guinea are the only two countries in the world that do not have a policy in place to give mothers paid time off after having a baby, and added that, if America really loved its mothers, then it would go beyond celebrating them once a year and implement a policy that would help them in their daily lives.
Until the US addresses this issue, according to Oliver, the only message that should go out on Mother’s Day is: ‘Mothers – we owe everything to them. They gave birth to us, they nurtured us, and they made us who we are. And this Mother’s Day, we have just one thing to say to all the mothers out there: Get the fuck back to work.’
HAPPINESS TIP:
CREATE BONUS GRANDPARENTS
We all benefit from relationships across generational divides. Consider who might make good bonus grandparents or just a senior buddy for you.
In a perfect world, we would all have Scandinavian family policies and Portuguese grandparents. Our parents may no longer be alive, or they may not live close enough to give their support in helping with the kids. To try to fill this gap, several cities in Denmark have now created ‘Bonus Grandparents Systems’ where senior citizens volunteer to be a foster grandparent for a specific family. For instance, the bonus nanny will help if the kids are sick but will also take part in family celebrations and activities. Although the system has already been set up in Denmark, you could create something similar yourself. An extra pair of hands, a different experience for the children and an extra source of patience to draw on can be helpful. And another upside is that it also reduces loneliness in older generations. Meeting your neighbours through the mini-library or the community garden you set up may be a good first step to build the necessary relationship and trust.
CASE STUDY
LOUISE & TOM
‘One of the great privileges of the author’s life is that you can make the world your home. When I sprang from my comfortable university career into a new life in a foreign country, I took a big risk.’
‘Some of the best decisions we make come from that inner voice that says, “Why not?” That says, “Andiamo.” So much disappointment arises from what is desired but not chosen.’ So wrote Frances Mayes, author of Under the Tuscan Sun, in the Guardian in 2016. She turned her personal story into a book, which turned into a bestseller, which turned into a movie, which turned millions of people across the world into dreamers. Two of those dreamers were Louise and her husband, Tom.
A couple of years ago, they moved from the US to Italy. ‘We both looked for jobs overseas, and Tom was lucky enough to land one.’
Louise now works as a freelance journalist, and we spoke on the phone. When I learned their story, I had as many questions for her as she did for me. When she spoke to me about their new life in Italy, I could tell she was smiling.
They now live in Florence, the capital of Tuscany, by the Arno River, a city that is home to around four hundred thousand people. It’s quite the contrast to New York. The pace of life, the sounds, the smells, the colours – all are completely different. Buy tomatoes at the San Lorenzo market and you will see shades of red you never knew existed.
Louise and Tom brought their five-month-old daughter with them when they moved, and they soon discovered that the attitude to how you raise children is different in Italy, too. Their daughter’s feet are tickled by strangers, and they will also tell the parents that 8 p.m. is way too early to put a toddler to bed. But it was also having their daughter that made them look for positions overseas.
‘We left the US to go to Italy mainly because of the insane childcare prices back home. Here, we can get it at a fraction of the price – and we are in Italy…’
Not everything is like a Hollywood movie, though. ‘We miss our friends and family back home, of course, but we are happy we came. We have more time to be a family here.’
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THINK OUTSIDE THE BOSS: HAPPY ENTREPRENEURS
On the Statue of Liberty, a plaque famously reads:
Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
Speaking to Louise made me understand that the tired are increasingly seeking somewhere else to breathe free. However, leaving the country you live in may be a little too drastic for most. For some, changing boss might be an easier switch.
Around five years ago, I told my dad that I was quitting my job. I had a well-paid secure job as international director for a think tank which focused on sustainability.
‘So, what are you going to do instead?’ he asked.
‘Well, I am going to study happiness. I want to build a think tank called the Happiness Research Institute.’
There was silence for a second.