The Last One

[-] MachOneMama 31 days ago

Are you kidding? Someone needs to punch him in the balls, stat.

[-] HeftyTurtle 31 days ago

Agreed. Mactress aimed too high.

[-] BeanCounterQ 31 days ago

Keep an eye on Albert. I know him from college and he’ll surprise you. Smart guy. Good guy.

[-] FStokes1207 31 days ago

What about the pilot? They’re ignoring his heroism. This show is unpatriotic.

[-] LongLiveCaptainTightPants 31 days ago Wrong thread. Add-a-Flag Campaign can be found here.

[-] LostPackage04 31 days ago

They’re attention whores, every last one of them. That’s the only reason anyone would go on a show like this.

[-] 501_Miles 31 days ago Maybe they just want an adventure, or a personal challenge. I think it’s brave. Really brave.

[-] LostPackage04 31 days ago

Adventure my ass. If you want an adventure go cliff diving. Don’t prance about for a prize.

[-] Snark4Hire 31 days ago

I’d do it! Just for that boulder! Cue Indiana Jones theme

[-] NoDisneyPrincess 31 days ago

It’s too bad they didn’t actually get someone with one of those. That would have rocked. Rocked! Get it?

[-] CharlieHorse11 31 days ago

Pretty sure Coop’s there just to show how much everyone else sucks. I mean, holy shit. Did you see him inflate the lungs?!

[-] Velcro_Is_the_Worst 31 days ago Because blowing into a severed esophagus is a useful life skill.

[-] CharlieHorse11 31 days ago

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16.


The morning after the bear-tracking Challenge, the cameramen don’t reappear, and for the next four days the contestants rarely see anyone except for one another. The host is gone, and gone are the milling producer and busybody interns. Over the course of these four days, the contestants tiptoe toward competence. They are not quite thriving, but they are more than surviving—largely because Tracker has become a mentor to the group as a whole. On the second day, within range of one of the many cameras and microphones mounted around their camp, Black Doctor jokingly refers to him as “the village elder.”

A cameraman arrives with the third morning, silent and distracting, too close with his lens as he weaves through the group and taps Tracker on the arm. Time for a confessional. He seats Tracker on a log in the sun, in sight but out of hearing of the others. “Yes, I could just go off and live on my own,” says Tracker. Stubble has grown across his chin and cheeks, and even on his head, shading in a hairline that is not at all receding. “They’d probably get by. They’d make do. They’d learn, they are learning, she—I’m just helping them learn a little faster.” He pauses, glances past the cameraman, to the others laboring in the distance. “Why? It’s right. And it’s more interesting. I still don’t think any of them can beat me in the long run, but this way at least there’s an element of challenge. This way, I won’t become complacent.”

After this confessional comes a montage, complete with pump-’em-up music. It’s kitschy; it’s catchy. Air Force’s gait becomes increasingly secure under Black Doctor’s watchful eye. Waitress struggles to carve a figure-four-deadfall trap; her cuts into the wood are sloppy and often on the wrong side of the sticks—and then: It works. Her cuts aren’t quite perfect and her hands are covered in nicks and blisters, but the trap stands, precariously supporting the weight of a long, heavy stick. She’s so happy she tears up. Banker builds a snare that actually catches a squirrel. Carpenter Chick and Engineer weave together branches to create a lattice roof for their shelter. Engineer has taken to wearing his maroon-and-brown bandana as a do-rag. Almost everyone is learning to gut and skin small game; Exorcist is a natural. He collects the tail of each squirrel he preps, lets the stub dry, then stuffs it in his pack.

Already the contestants look skinnier, tougher. Faces and hands are perpetually smudged with dirt. Biology’s breasts have shrunk and her cheekbones have grown flirtatious in compensation. The group’s average skin tone has darkened a shade; the camp is largely in shadow, but they are outdoors, always. Zoo has become the primary fire caretaker, and her jacket is dotted with tiny burn holes from floating, snapping sparks. In one shot Tracker stands beside her, almost smiling as she shows him her perforated sleeve, the fire behind them, flames appearing on either side but not between. Nearly everyone has a rip in the knee of their jeans or the cuff of their shirt. Engineer’s green boxers can be glimpsed through a small tear beneath his back pocket.

One negative line runs through the montage: Exorcist. He has been invited back into the group, and though he accepted the invitation with apparent humility, he undermines the efforts of the others. He nudges Waitress’s figure-four with his boot to set it off, then winks at the camera. While collecting firewood he stays away just long enough and brings back just little enough that everyone suspects he’s slacking, but the only way to prove it would be to quit and watch this episode when it airs. His boldest but quietest move: Late one night he urinates into one of Waitress’s water bottles. He dumps it out and fills the bottle with clean water, but in the morning Waitress notices a slightly acidic taste she can’t identify.

Montage slides finally into scene: the contestants sitting around the fire following their third full day of group camp. While everyone else chats and bonds, Exorcist carves the ends of his dowsing rod into points. Zoo is stewing the day’s catch—a rabbit—with rice and dandelion greens. Carpenter Chick sits close to her and the two joke about joining a commune or kibbutz. “Maybe they’ll make an exception for our not being Jewish,” says Zoo, “now that we’re homesteaders.” Across the fire, Black Doctor is practicing tying a square knot with his yellow bandana and Air Force’s dark blue. Tracker is reclining, eyes closed, taking a rest all agree is well earned.

Exorcist stands suddenly and chucks his sharpened dowsing rod over Waitress’s head into the dark woods. He chases after it, crying, “Got one!” Waitress is startled, but once Exorcist sprints past her she simply rolls her eyes. “He wants a reaction,” she says. Tracker’s lids crack open and he surveys the group. Zoo gives him a thumbs-up and he returns to his rest.

That night, unknown to the contestants, the first episode of In the Dark airs. Viewers watch Cheerleader Boy stalk off on his own; they watch him fail.

The next night Exorcist takes two of his collected squirrel tails and ties them in place over his ears with his bandana. “What now?” asks Rancher, as Exorcist begins to dance a bowing, twirling dance.

“I feel them,” Exorcist cries. He flails his arms and spins. “I hear them!” One of the squirrel tails flies loose, landing in Banker’s lap.

Banker picks it up with two fingers and considers tossing it in the fire. “Who exactly are you hearing?” he asks.

Exorcist spins close, grabs the tail from Banker’s loose grip. And now he’s singing, “They want us to leave! They bid us to go-oh-oh!” His voice, so irritating when spoken, is surprisingly soothing in song.

“He should talk less and sing more,” says Air Force. Black Doctor nods.

More dancing, and the other tail falls, a gray fluttering at Biology’s feet. Exorcist poses, thrusting his arms back and bending his front knee, and howls, flushing an owl from a nearby tree. His howl drifts to a close and Exorcist hops to perfect posture. “It’s okay,” he announces. “The spirits say we can stay.”

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