“Please let me explain.”
She squeezed her eyes shut. “This isn’t happening.” One second she was weak, distraught, but the next second, that all changed. She opened her eyes and glared at me. “How long have you known? How did you find out?”
“Your phone,” I confessed. “That time you lost it. You left it in my car. A tweet came on the screen from your Socialmedialite account. I put two and two together.”
Her chest rose and fell in anger, but I didn’t let her push me off. “That was weeks ago! You…I…we…we’ve exchanged emails since then. You pretended….”
“You pretended, too,” I said, cutting her off. “You pretended for longer; but I forgave you, and now you need to forgive me.”
“Get off me,” she fumed.
“Don’t run away from me,” I begged.
“I said, ‘GET OFF ME!’” she yelled, and my body went limp. I let go of her immediately, and she climbed from the bed, feet stomping on the carpet as she paced the room. I was shattering into tiny pieces as I felt her emotionally sever all ties. I couldn’t handle this. I was in too deep, and if she left me now, I’d never recover.
“I’m so sorry, love; please come here, and let me explain. Let me explain why I lied,” I said, sounding like a desperate man. She was the only woman I would ever be desperate for. I had to make this right.
She stopped pacing and turned to face me, speaking in stops and starts like she was putting pieces of a puzzle together in her mind. “You manipulated me. You wrote me emails looking for romantic advice, and you knew it was me all along. You wrote that email saying you loved me knowing I’d be the one to read it. You can’t just….” Her voice broke as tears took over. “You tricked me, Ronan!”
“I wasn’t trying to trick you. It was the truth!”
“The truth? Was it? Or has this all been a game? Did you send that email just so I’d let you fuck me?!”
Okay, now I was pissed. I stood from the bed and walked toward her, backing her up and slamming my hands into the wall behind her. I faltered a little when she flinched. “I don’t play games, and I’ve only ever been real with you, Annie. I sent those emails because I wanted you to know how I felt, but I knew that if I told you in person, I’d scare you off. Writing it down and letting you read it without having to respond gave you safety. No matter what you might think, you always come first for me. And I asked you to marry me because I want you to know I’m all in. You have me, body, heart, and soul.”
She closed her eyes when she spoke. “Please, stop. Just stop….”
A lump formed in my throat as I stepped away. Turning her head, she glanced at me then looked to the floor. Her voice was tiny when she spoke, staring at her feet, “Can’t you see? I feel…violated and exposed having you know, having anyone know.”
“Am I just anyone to you?”
She didn’t answer me. Instead, she shook her head and continued as though I hadn’t spoken. “Blogging…blogging has always been my biggest secret. This is probably going to sound crazy, but it’s the only place I can be free and completely happy—it’s the only place where I can be my true self without fear. If people know it’s me, then it’s not my escape anymore. You took that freedom away from me, Ronan, and I’m not sure if I can forgive that.”
I wasn’t a crier. In fact, I could count on one hand the number of times I’d actually cried in my life, but right then I felt a tear leak out. She was so, so damaged by her experiences, and writing was her way of escaping. But it had to be anonymous. That’s the only way it worked. And now she felt like I’d ruined it.
“I’d never tell anyone,” I began; but she cut me off, and her passion returned as she threw her hands out in anger.
“That’s not the point! That thief has my laptop. Soon he’ll know my secret and will sell it to the highest bidder. I’ll be hounded. My life will never go back to the way it was. It had been safe and comfortable, and though it might have been lonely, it was perfect for me. I wish I’d never met you! If I hadn’t, then none of this would have happened!”
My heart fell to the floor. I could literally hear the awful, bloody thump. I was done for. Her words cut into me like a knife. I must have looked completely miserable as I stood there, staring at her, begging her with my eyes not to do this.
She did it anyway, barely looking at me when she said harshly, “Do you have somewhere else you can stay? I’d like to be alone.”
“You’re angry. I get that. But if I go, will you talk to me in the morning? Give me a chance to explain?”
“Okay, fine.”
She wouldn’t quite look at me, but her words gave me a small piece of relief. I could fix this. After she’d had some time to let her anger dissipate, she’d hear me out.
“All right then. I’ll go,” I said sadly and began moving toward her. I needed to kiss her cheek, hug her, anything, before I left, but the look she gave me as I approached told me no. She couldn’t give me anything right then. I felt like a dying man as I walked out of the suite, barely enough strength to go down to reception and get another room for myself. The woman at the desk gave me an odd look, so I lied and told her we didn’t feel comfortable staying in a room that had been broken into. After I said that, she was practically falling over herself to offer me another suite.
Despite my exhaustion, I didn’t sleep a wink. Instead, I sat up watching mindless television and trying to resist the urge to return to Annie and force her to listen to me. I tried to convince myself that giving her space was the best idea and that forcing things with her had never worked before.
At six thirty the following morning, I took a shower to try to wake myself up and put on the same suit I’d worn to dinner the previous evening. Finding O’Hare at the concierge’s table, I asked him if the police had reported back about the theft. He smiled proudly and told me he’d just been about to come find me. They’d caught the thief and had returned the stolen belongings, which consisted of both mine and Annie’s laptops, our travel itinerary, and Annie’s tablet.
For the first time since yesterday, I felt like smiling. Annie would surely be over the moon to have her things back and might even be less angry with me. Carrying our stuff up to the suite, I wore a stupid, hopeful grin on my face, thinking I was going to make everything better. I threw open the door and called out her name. Receiving no answer, I called again and opened the bedroom door slightly, thinking she might still be asleep. My heart skipped a beat when I peeked inside.
The bed was empty. And on the dresser was a small piece of paper with a note.
Ronan,
I’m catching a flight home early. I can’t stay here anymore.
I’m sorry.
Annie.
***
I had my things packed and was organizing a flight within seconds of reading her note. No way. There was no fucking way I was letting her end things like this. Fifteen minutes later, I was outside and in a taxi headed for the airport. I tried calling her a bunch of times, but her phone was turned off which made me think she was probably in the air. I wondered how many hours I was behind her. Had she left early this morning, or had she simply gone the moment I left her last night?
Shit, I never should have left her. I couldn’t believe she left me. She said she would give us a chance to talk. But she didn’t. She lied, and that was the rub.