She winces at my name. I’m the woman who just told her her feet smell; I could still see her enormous smile and how it fell. She wanted me and I gave her a referral. Her leg begins to shake with anger; Phillip puts his big hand on it. She looks up at his gray beard, his tufty eyebrows. “What did you say your name was again?”
Even from her desk Ruth-Anne can see what will happen next. Spermatozoon enters the uterus, fertilizes egg, zygote, blastula, and so forth. Jack’s consciousness begins on this day.
I didn’t make him, but I did each thing right so he would be made.
That’s how much I wanted you.
Looking at the baby monitor, I marveled at the web of people that had spun him into being and proud tears swelled behind my eyelids. My son.
“Everything fine?”
I nodded, tucking my joy under my face. Phillip rolled off of and out of me.
“It’s okay,” he wheezed. “I can’t climax either anymore. And it’s probably safer if I don’t try—although what a way to go, right?” He rubbed my sweaty thigh a few times. “I want you to know I’m not afraid of it, but . . .” He swallowed. “No, that’s not true. I’m very afraid of it. But I’m not afraid of being afraid.”
I nodded. What were we talking about? Jack rolled over onto his side and then back again.
“I’ve kept my eyes on it this whole time, ever since I was young—so it can’t sneak up on me. I want to know it’s coming, I want to greet it.”
Death is what we were talking about.
“Oh hello, I’ll say. Do come in. Let me get my things before we go. But instead of getting anything I’ll just let go of everything. Goodbye home, goodbye money, goodbye being a grand and wonderful man. Goodbye Cheryl.”
“Goodbye.”
“And then I’ll go out the door, so to speak.”
I could see the door, me locking it behind him. The bedroom felt strangely cold, almost cryptlike. Jack was on his stomach now.
“I have a will and funeral plan and so forth, but if you don’t mind—”
Suddenly Jack screamed; it blasted from the monitor, ripping through the night.
“—if you don’t mind,” Phillip raised his voice to be heard over the cries, “I’ll tell you some of the details. Have you heard of EcoPods? I’d like to be buried in one of those.”
“I have to—” I pointed at the monitor. Phillip held up one finger.
“They aren’t legal but if you—”
Jack sobbed; I rose to my knees. Phillip looked up at me, his eyebrows furrowed. “This is only the second time I’ve ever told anyone this.”
The baby wailed in disbelief. I had never not come when he cried. I leapt out of bed and ran from the room.
HE WAS CUTTING A TOOTH. A bottle didn’t calm him so I walked him around the house. That didn’t work, so I put the carrier on over my nightgown and strapped him in. I slipped a jacket on and crept out to the porch. My shoes were right there, waiting.
The sky seemed to lighten as we walked. But dawn was hours away; it could only be the moon, or my eyes adjusting. Instead of walking in big circles as I usually did, we covered new ground, block by block. On Monday the man would come about the pergola. Phillip and I would have matching electric toothbrushes. The thing with the phone and his saying now would soon be normal. So would watching 60 Minutes. Jack looked straight up, suddenly calm, his eyes on a pair of blinking lights.
“Airplane.” I rubbed his back. “One day you’ll go on an airplane.” It disappeared, out of sight. The world felt warm and enclosed, as if we were safely inside a vast room. He craned his neck this way and that. I stroked his head.
“All the other babies in the world are asleep,” I whispered.
My legs were hungry to move, almost bouncing with each step. I could go forever, my arms wrapped around the only thing that really mattered, a full bottle in one pocket and my wallet in the other. We had everything we needed. How far would I walk? Could I reach that mountain range in the distance? I’d never really noticed the enormous peaks; they seemed to have risen up just now, lit up by the city. I walked for an hour without thinking a single thought, Jack long asleep against my chest. Most homes were completely dark or lit only by a TV. A man put his sprinkler out. Otherwise just cats, everywhere. The mountains stayed the same size for hours, as if I was pushing them ahead of me with each step. Then suddenly they were right there; I was at the foot of one. Would I feel compelled to scale it? It was hard to see the top now; I leaned back, one hand on Jack’s warm bottom. It couldn’t be seen from this close. I turned around and walked home.
AT FIVE A.M. PHILLIP STIRRED. He started when he saw me dressed, brushing my hair.
“I don’t know if you drink caffeine. I made some oolong,” I said.
His head bobbled over to the steaming cup on the bedside table. His clothes were neatly folded beside it, the electric toothbrush on top. I’d wrapped the cord into a little bundle. It took him a moment to absorb each of these things. Then he slowly stood up and began to dress in the dark. I leaned against the opposite wall and sipped my tea, watching him.
“I imagine the climate in Thailand is great for the lungs. Maybe that’s home?”
“Maybe, I don’t know. I have a lot of options.”
“Just an idea.”
He buttoned and tucked in his shirt, pulled on his black socks.
“Your shoes are on the porch.”
“That’s right.”
We walked to the living room, our mugs from yesterday sitting in the dark on the coffee table.
“He’s sound asleep but if you want to have one last peek at him . . .” I held out the monitor. Phillip took it but hesitated before looking at the screen.
“Did he seem standoffish to you?” he asked.
“Standoffish? Jack?”
“Maybe I misread him. I felt a chilly reception.” He squinted intently at the sleeping shape. Suddenly he straightened up and handed the monitor back.
“I doubt he’s mine. You know how I know? I don’t feel anything here.” He jabbed his chest with stiff fingers; it made a hollow sound.
I stood in the doorway and watched him put his shoes on; he gave me a small salute from the porch then stumbled down the stairs. I shut the front door, very quietly, and lay down on the couch. Best to try to sleep a little before the day began.