“Did you have these thoughts before this altercation?”
“Sure.”
“How often did you have these thoughts?”
“Well, maybe about ten times a day. No, fifteen times a day.”
Strycker takes another drink of water. “How long have you been having these thoughts?”
Dagou lowers his voice. “I’d rather not answer.”
Judge Lopate says, “Please answer the question, Mr. Chao.”
“Oh, well, all right.” Dagou gazes out at the back of the gallery. “It started when I was in high school, went away when I was in college, and then, after I came back to Haven, it crept up on me again.”
“Can you describe your thoughts?”
James begins to pray again. Please, God, please watch over him. Please keep him safe.
Dagou looks straight at Strycker. How he manages to meet the prosecutor’s eye, James can’t imagine; some great force of will guides him now. Strycker’s eyes are colorless, his expression unreadable.
Dagou loosens his tie, takes a gulp of air. “Well, the thing is,” he says, “I wasn’t the oldest son he wished for: I turned out to be a beta, even with my physical fitness, my personality, and my grades. I could not conquer America for him. I came home with my tail between my legs. But I was also exactly the son he wished for: someone he could take advantage of, ignore, disrespect, and underpay, a non human, a dog. Nothing exists for him except himself. I understood this from watching him after my mom got pneumonia. He didn’t care as long as I was here to take her shifts. That was when I started wishing he was dead. If he were only gone.” He twists again toward Judge Lopate. “But, Your Honor, there’s nothing unusual about wishing someone dead. Really. Everybody does it.”
There’s a loud noise from the defense table. Jerry has dropped his phone. Why he’s even holding the phone at that point is unclear. He must have picked it up and dropped it to get Dagou’s attention. Dagou’s peering hopefully around at the first rows of the gallery. James tries to smile, everyone tries to smile, in encouragement; but instead they grimace.
“Admit it, people! Everybody does it!” Dagou’s expression is imploring now. “It was like a new world, this picture in my mind—this vision of the house, our street, our restaurant—without him in it. New sidewalks, green trees, the houses lined up with their siding all clean and bright in the sun. The real America. The wish to be like a baby—and the world without anything in it: no shame, no hatred or responsibility. A fresh start.”
Strycker smiles.
James holds his breath. Please, God—
“An imaginary world. A world where he’s gone and everything is immediately, and miraculously, safe! And then one day, I realize there’s a way this could happen. He could get trapped in the freezer room and never come out. Not violent, see. An accident. The door to the freezer room, swinging shut. The empty nail inside. When I’m angry, instead of punching him, I think of the door swinging shut. That’s how the wish becomes a plan. It would be nighttime, after work. We’d be the only ones in the place, we’ve closed up, and my dad just happens to be in the freezer room and the door just happens to be open, and I just happen to reach in and take the key, then nudge the door shut. I think about it at odd moments. Sometimes even the first thing after I wake up. The door shuts and the world is new again.”
There is absolute silence in the room. Katherine is very pale. Her eyes are dark and glittering.
“I request a brief recess,” Jerry says.
The judge denies it.
“And then the opportunity reveals itself, after the party. The guests leave. Ren leaves. James leaves. O-Lan is ready to go home. There’s just my father and me, alone in the restaurant, late at night. I’m taking off my apron. I’m standing in the hall. My father, still shouting, heads down the stairs. I hear his footsteps. I hear him open the door at the bottom of the stairs, hear him walk into the freezer like I’ve heard him do a hundred times before. He’s telling me I’m a spendthrift, a loser, a wimp. He’s telling me I’m too cowardly to ever get back at him. Taunting me! I stand there listening, and, I want to do it. All I have to do is take the key, close the door. Then put the key into my pocket. It would be freedom, it would be triumph, and his frozen corpse would be a trophy, the world’s biggest Christmas present! So I walk down the stairs. I reach the door. But at that very moment, right when it’s all going through my head—right then—you have to believe me here—I just—don’t do it!”
He is coughing—no, he is sobbing into the hushed room.
Please—
“Maybe it wasn’t grace. Maybe I just can’t do it. Instead, I turn and walk back up the stairs.”
Tears stream down Dagou’s pumpkin face.
“I’m a candy-ass, a failure! I can’t reach in. I can’t take the key. I fucking can’t do it. I can’t close the door and walk away. So I don’t do it because I’m a coward. The moment passes. I didn’t do it. And the world is still here, as messy and terrible as ever!”
Silence.
“Now, looking back, I wish I had done it! If I had done it, then at least I would be proud. I would be a man!”
His voice rings into the gallery.
“No further questions,” Strycker says.
No one moves, not even to cough. They’re all watching Dagou. His big shoulders are bent, his face is in his hands. He’s still sobbing as Judge Lopate dismisses him. Then she dismisses the jury, and the members of the jury slowly stand. The lawyers begin to pack up their briefcases. The testimony is over. James is fixed to his seat when a low chatter begins somewhere in the back of the room. There comes the sound of the door opening. There is the sound of a muttered argument—but no one turns. They’re focused on Dagou.
Then a murmur rises from the back of the gallery. A familiar voice rings out. “Call for a break!”
James whips around. It’s Ming, with Alice and the bailiff hurrying after him.
“Ming!” James shouts. He tries to get past Fang.
“Shut up!” Fang hisses. He and Lynn seize James’s arms. Though he twists frantically, he can’t get loose.
Ming is making his way up the aisle. He looks terrible. Green skin, jagged cheeks, and black eyes glittering feverishly over his jacket and loose tie.
“Call for a break,” he’s saying. “A break in the proceedings! I have to speak.”
Judge Lopate is on her feet urging the jury to leave the room. They’re filing out, staring at Ming like everyone else. Even Strycker is staring.
Ming is halfway up the aisle when Ken Fan leaps up. He puts his hands on Ming’s shoulders, trying to steer him back. On Judge Lopate’s orders, the bailiff hurries to the jury, shepherding them ahead of him. The judge orders the lawyers to the bench. Ming tells Ken Fan, “I’m here to give evidence against myself. I’m the guilty party.”
Finally, with a terrific wrench, James breaks free. He leaps to his feet. The three brothers stand in the courtroom: Dagou staring out at Ming, Ming turning to Dagou, James looking from one brother to the other.