Chapter 87
A knock, and a familiar woman’s voice: “Kip?”
Kip didn’t know how long he stood in the darkness of his room. Did time even have meaning anymore? He thought perhaps that the darkness would bring back the black luxin card. He hadn’t seen the entirety of it.
But it didn’t come back. And he knew no way to call it forth consciously. There were so many things that he needed to think about and decide right now, this instant, immediately, that he was paralyzed. He couldn’t think about anything. His life was about to turn irrevocably, and he wanted to look at some card?
Granted, if he was right, and viewing—or living or remembering or whatever the hell it was that he did with the cards—was nearly instantaneous, then theoretically, he could live as many of them as he wanted, and not lose any time. But somehow he was pretty certain it didn’t work that way. If he could even figure out how to call one up, he felt like it might roast that tiny, underused pea between his ears.
The thought only served to remind him of his headache.
A knock on the door. Again. Wait, this was the second knock, wasn’t it?
He hit the light control, and his knees almost buckled as the light seared his eyes, burned like rock salt stomped into his open wound of a brain. He leaned against the doorframe, gasping, and opened the door.
“Kip? Are you all right?”
Oh hells. It wasn’t Teia. Why had he thought it was Teia?
Because Teia’s the only girl who ever talks to you on purpose.
It was Tisis. “Are you hungover?” Tisis asked.
I’m a giant, wakened from my bed by assassins. With a roar, I grab the man leaning over my bed and ram him so hard into the marble wall that his skull shatters, blood spraying. Sharp steel parts the muscles of my leg, deep, hot. I jump out of bed, but my head is aflame with a hangover, black spots dancing in front of my eyes.
There are four of them left, grubby, not professionals. The nearest stabs—deflected, albeit with blood. Armlock, his arm dislocated, fist up to his face so hard bones crack—dammit, both his face fractures, and my knuckles. I know better!
I bellow, and see the fear go through the other—
“No,” Kip said. “Bit, uhm, lightsick.”
Her face softened. “Takes a while to get used to drafting, huh? So easy to do too much at first. I got lightsick a few times myself, early on.” And despite the worry that perched on her shoulders like a cougar bearing down on its prey, she grinned. “Well, maybe more than a few times. Green, you know.”
She’s beautiful.
And I can have sex with her. As much as I want. Well, as much as she’ll allow. Which may not actually be that much, now that I think of it, but surely it would be more than zero times. Have to consummate the marriage at least.
Andross Guile had been wrong. If there was anything wrong with Kip’s libido, it was that he had too much. He just didn’t think satisfying it was a possibility anytime soon. It was a ‘someday, who knows when, don’t think about it, you’ll just get more depressed than you already usually are.’
But as bad as he wanted it, he didn’t want it to be bad. Forcing it from Teia back when she was a slave would have been wrong.
Not that forcing it from her now would be good—ugh, his brain was only working for one purpose now and that seemed to be to hurt as much as possible.
What if he went to bed with Tisis and when he took off his clothes, he disgusted her? What if she saw his fattiness and despised him? How could someone so beautiful, someone who could do so much better, bear to be with him?
Ah, so you’re not chaste. You’re just afraid.
“Kip, I know I said you had a week to decide about … you know, my proposal. That didn’t really happen how I’d ever imagined it, by the way, and I certainly—anyway. I know I said you had a week, but I need your answer sooner.”
“Sooner?”
“As in, now.” She winced apologetically. “I have to leave the Jaspers. I’m going to walk to the docks as soon as I leave you.”
“You don’t have any stuff. Clothes. I don’t know. Jewels, cosmetics? Whatever it is you have.” Kip felt stupider the more he said.
“My slaves have already smuggled it out to the ship. I’m technically the Chromeria’s hostage, so I’m forbidden to leave without permission. I can’t carry anything on me lest your grandfather’s spies figure out that I’m leaving.”
“Oh.” Obviously, a little late for that. Andross knew everything. He always knew everything. Damn him. Damn him to a thousand pits of fire.
Fire. Fire engulfs the woman, her skin curling, blood hissing as it boils—
Breathe. Breathe. Back in the now, stay here, Kip.
And Kip still hadn’t decided what to do. He should have been weighing the pros and cons in the last few days, when he might have had a chance to think without the total distraction of a beautiful woman standing right in front of him.
Kip the Lip. Use it to your advantage.
“You know,” Kip said. “I actually haven’t decided. I should have been weighing the pros and cons in the last few days, when I might have had a chance to think without the total distraction of a beautiful woman standing right here in front of me. You’re beautiful. You know you have an effect on men. Are you seducing me?”
“Pardon me?” she said, incredulous. “I mean, thank you, but what are you talking about?”
“Are you trying to seduce me?”
She looked suddenly awkward. “I thought you weren’t interested in women.”
“What?!”
“I asked around while I was procrastinating and trying to figure out how to talk to you, and no one could even remember you expressing interest in a girl. They said you had a room slave that you never bedded, so I thought you either didn’t have any interest at all either way or you liked boys. That’s why I, um, tried to appeal to your better nature. Believe me, if I’d thought it would be as easy as flashing some cleavage at you, I’d have done it in a second.”
“What? What? What?” Then Kip couldn’t help it; he started laughing.
His grandfather had been right—infuriatingly right—about Tisis. And he’d been right for all the wrong reasons. He’d thought she would ask Kip to rescue her because she was subtle; she’d done it because she thought Kip was homosexual.
“I’m so sorry,” Tisis said. “You mean you’re not…”
“No,” Kip said, still grinning. “I mean, I’m not homosexual and not, er, well, I am asexual, I guess, but not by choice. I mean, I’m a virgin, but…” He slammed his eyes shut. Had he really just said that out loud? Orholam, let the floor open and swallow me. He opened one eye. Tisis’s mouth was hanging open, shocked.
Kip the Lip, use it, turn it out. “Which is to say, I find you very beautiful, Tisis, and not just in some abstract sense. And my earlier disinterested attraction to you—understandably dampened by the fact I thought you wanted to kill me—is strangely getting more intense and more personal all the time.”
He could tell the convoluted compliment warmed her. She blushed faintly, and looked at him with new eyes.
Before she could speak, Kip said, “But that attraction—whether it’s the simple infatuation of the boy you seem to think I am, or something more robust and worthy of consideration—is not the point. It’s moot.”
He could see her digesting that, and he could tell that she was impressed. But her regard was not, now, the kind you’d have when you think a child is being mature for his age. In her eyes little green shoots of respect broke the ground. “So,” she said, “if that’s not the point, what is?”
“If I do this, I’m crossing my grandfather. He’s not just the Red anymore. He’s the promachos, and he was scary enough when he was only the Red. He does not forgive insults. I’ll need your protection and your sister Eirene’s protection, at least for a few years.” It was partly true, but it was mostly a lie, and Kip felt embarrassed at how easily it passed his lips. But she mistook his embarrassment, thinking it was for needing the protection of women. After the time Kip had spent with the White and with Karris, nothing could be further from his mind.
“Kip, your grandfather’s not going to come after you during the war. If he did, he’d risk losing not just my family, but all of Ruthgar. And after the war … who even can think that far ahead?”
It was true. As a political marriage, the union was actually far better for the Guiles than it was for the Malargos family. Though Tisis felt that her position was tenuous—and Andross had deliberately isolated her so she would feel it more keenly—he needed to know that Ruthgar was firmly on the Chromeria’s side. War was here, and the bottomless coffers of the Malargos family would be necessary to fund the fight.
Andross would strengthen his flank and get Kip away from the Chromeria, where he might cause problems. If Kip betrayed him, Andross would still achieve those things. If Kip obeyed him, on the other hand, Andross would put a spy directly into the heart of the Malargos family.
Who could plan for what would happen after the war? Andross Guile.
And what did Kip get for his participation? A wife set to inherit a fortune, a place next to power, and a reputation for defying his grandfather—which would be seen as being incredibly brave when he got away with it. After the war, they could ‘reconcile’ and all would be well. As far as political marriages went, Kip could do far worse.
In fact, he probably couldn’t do better.
With Zymun in play, Kip was expendable.
“What are you thinking there, little storm cloud?” Tisis asked, teasing.
That there’s no way out.
But maybe that’s the wrong way to think about this. I want to defy my grandfather because he’s an asshole, because he’s been cruel and insulted me, because he tried to have me killed.
That was before he knew me, though.
He tried to kill Gavin.
No, he tried to get the Knife. Gavin got in the way. As long as you understood that you couldn’t oppose him, Andross was remarkably logical.
Andross Guile didn’t have friends. He had useful allies, and he had enemies.
Then Kip had an insight into the man, an intuition stark and clear and true. Life was a game of Nine Kings to Andross. He had opponents, and he would do all he could to destroy them. His opponents had cards, and he would destroy or suborn them. But he himself was simply the Master. His own cards were to be preserved while they were of use, but destroyed without thought if that achieved his ends, and pursued with vengeance if they attempted to play against him. It was that cold and that effective. Kip had tried to figure out what the old man wanted. What motivated Andross Guile to work so hard, to plan so deeply? It didn’t seem to be money, though he had plenty of that. It didn’t seem to be women, though he had room slaves. It didn’t seem to be homeland, or Orholam, or even power as others understood it. A man motivated by lust for power would surely want to be seen as the master of others. Andross Guile had simply been one of the Spectrum, for many years.
Perhaps to Andross it was subtler but also simpler: he wanted to win. He didn’t care if everyone knew about his winning; those who mattered would know. He didn’t care about anyone else: who is flattered by the praise of insects? Becoming an emperor in name was unnecessary. If one can wield imperial power, if one can make one’s name synonymous with emperor, was that not the greater achievement?
And when Kip thought of it that way, at least one more fact bared its teeth: Kip’s status as an apparent enemy of Andross Guile wouldn’t necessarily in the fullness of time be discarded. If, after seven years, Andross had other cards better than Kip to play, he might destroy Kip rather than reward him.
And that is the deal for me. Take it or reject it. Eyes open.
And yet … doing what Andross Guile wanted? Everything in Kip rebelled against that.
But whereas Kip might have blithely risked destroying himself in the past, now his actions would affect people he cared about. This wasn’t a matter of right and wrong, but of smart and stupid.
There was nothing to gain by defying Andross Guile, and no way to win if Kip did so. Why then was it so hard?
“Just thinking about my grandfather,” Kip said, finally answering Tisis. “He’s not a good man to make an enemy.”
“But he’s not a good friend, either, is he?” Tisis asked.
“He doesn’t have friends.”
“I know,” she said. “I’ve been caught in his schemes twice, and each time, I’ve come away hating myself almost as much as I hate him.”
“He has that effect,” Kip said. “But … how do I know that putting myself in your sister’s hands won’t be just as big a mistake? Andross may be here, but so are my friends, what few of them I have, anyway.”
“My sister will know I made the best move in a bad situation—but even if she doesn’t, she’s my sister. She loves me, and she’d never turn her back on me.”
Must be nice.
Kip had that kind of friendship, with the squad. But it was already slipping away. Whatever he did, they were passing inexorably from his life.
The one good thing I have is fading already.
“Let’s do it,” Kip said. He looked at her, looked down at his shoes, looked back up at her. “Uh, how do we do it?”
“It’s too late in the day now. It’ll have to be done at dawn. We’ll meet a luxiat I know at the little temple across from the Crossroads. You know it?”
“I know the Crossroads. It was the old Tyrean embassy. It’ll be enough to find the temple. Wouldn’t it make more sense to go now, and have the ship captain marry us?”
“Yes, but no,” she said. “I need the marriage on the books, official, here, with witnesses, by a luxiat in good standing, otherwise your grandfather might have it annulled.”
“Smart,” Kip said. And it was. Maybe she was smarter than he’d thought.
What a terrible thing to think about your future wife.
She brightened. “Thank you.”
“It—”
“No, really. Thank you. To have my intelligence praised by a Guile? That’s not something we mere mortals often get. I mean, I saw you standing there, thinking, when I asked you that question. You were probably seven forks down a winding road in your mind, weren’t you?”
“Uh. Yes?” Kip asked. He wasn’t sure why it came out as a question. Probably because he was receiving the admiration of a woman. Not used to that. Wow, she was pretty.
Tisis said, “I’ve spent weeks thinking about all this—and trying not to think about it—and I tell you, and you figure it out in minutes. It’d be vexing if it weren’t so impressive. And not only impressive. It’s almost as attractive as these are.” She stepped forward and reached out to lay gentle hands on each of his shoulders. “Can I say that? Or do you think me too forward?”
He knew his shoulders were wide—that was just a function of his bone structure, right? He came from a line of broad-shouldered men. But he hadn’t really thought of them as ‘broad’ in the way that people say ‘a broad-shouldered man’ and mean it as a compliment. Kip was just big. Right? But to have her hands on his shoulders, he couldn’t not be aware of the muscles there, and that she thought he did have broad shoulders in the way that people referred to broad-shouldered men and meant it as a compliment. He felt like his brain was smoking, he was thinking so fast. Wait, she thought his shoulders were attractive?
He hadn’t thought of his shoulders more than three times in his life, maybe. And those had been when he was trying to share a bench in chapel and there wasn’t room to sit next to the other wide-shouldered Blackguard initiates. She thought his shoulders were attractive?
She was standing right in front of him. This close. His mind wasn’t working—shoulders? shoulders?!—and wow, her lips were close, and full, and her eyes were wide and emerald green on green and terrifically distracting, and her eyelashes were long, and her cheeks were pink, but maybe they were always pink, or maybe it was cosmetics? And why couldn’t he, with his Guile memory, remember if they had been pink before this moment? and Orholam have mercy, blood was flooding his cheeks, and, and, and, he was supposed to do something, wasn’t he? Yes. Yes, he was.
He was supposed to kiss her. Oh shit.
He was supposed to kiss her, right now, before the moment passed. But what if she didn’t want him to kiss her? What if he was misinterpreting the signals? He’d never been signaled before. He could well think she wanted him to kiss her, but maybe she’s signaling something completely different. Orholam have mercy, if she did want him to, and he missed the signal, she’d think he was a complete idiot. He was young, younger than her, and she’d think of him as a child again, and then he’d be set back in her regard forever. Maybe she’d cancel the wedding.
Wait, she’d asked him a question, hadn’t she? But what—how was he forgetting everything?!
His ears were hot, and his shoulders were taut as drums beneath her hands. She removed a hand from one shoulder, and he nearly leapt, nervous tension thrumming through him. Embarrassed, he looked down at his feet, unable to bear the eye contact. He’d totally botched it.
Shit shit shit!
And looking down, he saw not his feet, but straight down the front of her dress. Orholam’s—breasts. He froze. Now there was a sacrilegious thought. Not that he’d ever worried too much about sacrilege when he said ‘Orholam’s balls,’ and surely Orholam made balls and breasts both, right? And then, he was aware he’d frozen, looking at her breasts—no, no, not looking. Looking implied that you just looked. This had gone on and on, this was a stare, at least. He’d have a gray beard by the time he tore his eyes away. Maybe that made it a leer. But a leer kind of implies some intent. It makes it seem creepy, and he wasn’t being—it was—
Orholam’s breasts. It had been too long. She couldn’t fail to notice. He looked up at her, wincing.
“Anything I say is only going to make this worse, isn’t it?” he asked.
“Shhh,” she said, smiling sympathetically. “Relax.” She picked up one of his hands, which had been held ramrod straight at his side, and pulled it up to her waist. “I happen to think it’s adorable.”
Adorable. ‘Adorable’ is what you called puppies and poppets. There’s no way to say ‘adorable’ without pitching your voice up, as if speaking to an infant, Oh, that’s adorable. And then you pinch a cheek.
She took his other hand and placed it on the back of her own neck. She sidled in close, pressing her body against his.
I’ve just been emasculated. By my own stupidity and social ineptitude. Adorable. Dammit, Kip, there was your chance and you—what is she—?
And then she pulled his head down and kissed him gently on the lips.
Kip … lost a few moments in the sweet smell of her breath—who has sweet-smelling breath? Isn’t breath, at best, a neutral o— And the sweet soft moistness of her lips, and the sweet soft pressure of her body molding itself to his.
Oh. Oh my.
She released him, and, nerveless, he let her slip away.
“Kip, I know we barely know each other, but I find your quirky mix of innocence and strength … intoxicating.”
Kip swallowed. “Guess it’s a good thing I’m already blushing from, uh, the other thing.”
“And why’s that a good thing?”
Because otherwise my blood would be getting confused which end of me to rush to. “So I don’t have to go to the effort of blushing anew,” he said.
She laughed, and he stole a glance at her cleavage. And then felt weird. Now that they were basically betrothed—they were betrothed now, weren’t they?—was he supposed to stare at her boldly? Or was it leering?
Orholam, I don’t know anything!
He glanced at the door.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Honestly?” he asked.
“Honestly.”
“I was kind of hoping bad people would break down the door, and I’d have to fight them. I actually know how to deal with that kind of thing.”
“The virgin thing, huh?” she said.
He groaned. “Er, kind of hoped I’d buried that in all the words after it.”
She pursed her lips, eyes twinkling. “There might have been another hint or two.”
Kip covered his face with his hands. “Orholam take me now. I’m ridiculous.”
“I told you already: you’re adorable.”
“A woman doesn’t want to take a man to bed because he’s adorable.” It just came out.
“This one does.” Just as fast.
And suddenly Kip’s mouth was very dry.
“We’re going to take care of your little problem,” she said.
“My … huh?” It was like she was speaking another language. What’s she mean? His inadequacy? Awkwardness? Embarrassment? Total hopelessness?
“Your virginity.”
“Oh!” Orholam, did she have to say it out loud? What if someone was passing in the hall? Surely the word ‘virgin’ must draw ears more than any expletive. “Yes, yes, of course,” Kip said. “I mean, yes! I would really like that.” He hitched his backpack up on his shoulder. “Believe me, I’m looking forward to nothing more.”
“Now.” She locked the door, glanced at his bed, smiled. And though her words were bold, there was something shy about that smile, and certainly about the flushed cheeks that accompanied it. Pinker than before. Definitely pinker.
But Kip the Lip had absolutely nothing to say.
“After all,” she said, “boat’s not going to leave without me, right? Now get naked.”
The sound that came out of Kip’s mouth was not a squeak. Dammit.
Kip looked at the door again, longingly. Naked? Here? In full light? He wasn’t as fat as he used to be, he knew that … but he’d seen Tisis naked. Amazing how keen the memory can be for such things. She was gorgeous, and he was … he was the fucking turtle-bear.
Maybe ‘fucking’ is an inapt modifier.
And that made him think of a turtle-bear, copulating.
Ah!
I can’t stop thinking. I’m with a beautiful woman who wants to make love, and I’m standing here like a complete non-copulating turtle-bear, thinking.
Maybe if she kissed him again his head would go all gooey and thought would cease in the pink happy cloud of being wrapped up in her, but, ‘Get naked’?
“Wait, wait,” she said. “You’re right. I can tell you’re thinking it through, and you don’t want to reject me, but just in case something goes wrong before we get on the ship tomorrow. We shouldn’t. My sister would kill me, anyway. Not that she’s been chaste—the hypocrite.” She threw the insult out like only someone who’s very close to their sister could. A recognition, but not a condemnation. “But she’s always meant to sell me dear, she says, ‘You don’t hand over the goods until they hand over the gold,’ and I’m sure she’ll ask, even if everything turns out perfectly. And she can always tell when I’m lying. I can wait one more day. You can wait, right? I didn’t mean to tease.”
“Huh? Huh?” Kip said. I’m right?
“Blame me. I’m capricious. Sorry. Tomorrow. Either we’ll rent a room at the Crossroads, or we’ll just have to make do with the captain’s cabin on our ship. In some ways, a big room is a waste, anyway, don’t you think? I know I’m not going to want to leave bed for a long while.”
“I, I,” Kip stuttered. Huh? What? The blood wasn’t going back to all the right places fast enough.
“Don’t worry, I’ll make this up to you, I promise,” she said, and she put her hand on the front of his trousers.
When the great thunderstorms of spring passed over the Jaspers, lightning often struck the top of the seven towers of the Chromeria. This was that. A thousand times that.
“Oh,” she said, “definitely interested.”
The thing that made it ridiculously charming was that she was blushing furiously as she did it, like she was being terribly naughty and couldn’t believe her own brazenness. But she also hadn’t taken her hand off.
“Kip, I know we didn’t get the best start, and that’s my fault, but—”
There was a knock on his door.
Tisis snatched her hand back guiltily, but quickly recovered. She cocked an eyebrow at him. “Now, see what I saved us? That could have been awkward,” she whispered.
Kip was still speechless, still blinking bleary-eyed as if he’d been dunked in a big sudsy tub of I-can’t-believe-this-actually-happening and some soap of I-am-actually-going-to-have-sex was still in his eyes.
But some wiser part of him was detached. We’re children, both of us, playing at being adults, putting on shoes that are too big for us, and being surprised when we stumble.
Tisis whispered again, and this time she was simply herself, earnest and a little scared. “Kip, whoever it is, don’t let them know I’m here.” She moved into the lee of the door.
Kip’s mouth worked silently, but he had nothing to say. He went to the door and opened it a bit, not so little as to cause suspicion, but not inviting anyone to step right in, either.
“Oh, Kip! Thank Orholam you’re here!” Teia said.