My phone rings, jangling my nerves. It’s Josh. ‘I’m sorry,’ he blurts. ‘I panicked. I just – It was a shock, hearing your husband was back. I feel I only got you because he went away.’
‘Wait, Josh, no, I’m sorry. I should have told you. But I didn’t want to make things weird. I wanted things to be perfect.’
‘They were perfect.’
They weren’t exactly perfect but not far off.
It’s the weirdest thing, going away with one man and coming home to another. The three girls are all off on their various trips and Hugh is alone in the house. Even before my car is parked, he has the front door open.
‘Where’s your luggage?’ he asks.
‘Lost.’
‘Oh, babe …’
His size, his maleness, in the house, there’s so much of him.
‘Can I get you something?’ he asks. ‘Tea? Wine?’
I don’t want anything because I don’t want us acting like normality has been restored.
‘Did you have a nice time?’ he asks.
‘Hugh, we have to talk …’
‘Where did you go?’
‘Serbia.’
‘Oh? … Why?’
‘There’s an artist I love and she’s Serbian. I’ve joked about going on a road trip to find her?’
‘Oh, right.’ He remembers. Vaguely, by the look of things. Then, ‘He took you? This new man? Wow. That’s classy.’ He doesn’t sound sarcastic, more in awe. ‘So, Amy, I’ve been talking to Carl and I can start back to work first thing in January. You can have the rest of Dad’s money for whatever project you want. We can get our finances back on an even keel. Get everything back to normal.’
‘Hugh?’ He can’t possibly be serious about this. ‘No, really, we’ve gone way beyond that.’
‘I don’t understand.’
But I do: he’s in denial. He’d thought he was coming back to the family he’d left behind. He’s not ready to face what I’ve already accepted – that our family has gone for ever and we’re facing into a totally different future, where we’ll be living separately.
I go gently because I care about him. ‘Hugh, you and I, everything has changed. You and I won’t be living together.’
He persists in being confused and I don’t know if it’s real or not. ‘It’s that serious with this other man?’
‘It’s nothing to do with him. It’s about you and me, Hugh. And we’re …’ I swallow ‘… done.’
‘But I love you, Amy. Don’t you love me any more?’
I hesitate and he looks stricken. Hurting him gives me no pleasure. It’s just another sheet of pain to pile on to all of the others that have been building up since this started.
‘Not the way I did, Hugh. I’ll always love you. We’ll always be connected, especially because of the girls. But it’ll be a different sort of connection.’
His brow is furrowed. ‘I was only gone three and a half months. How can that be long enough to change everything?’
‘Seeing those photos –’
‘I’m so, so sorry.’
‘– had a weird effect on me. I nearly blew up with jealousy, and then it was like a blade came down.’
He’s distraught. ‘And did what?’
‘It severed the love that linked me to you.’
‘But love doesn’t die that quickly.’
Unexpected rage erupts from my gut and emerges from my mouth in a toxic stream. ‘Fuck you! Don’t you fucking tell me how I should feel when I see my fucking husband in fucking Thailand with another fucking woman!’ I’m yelling. ‘I can feel whatever way I fucking well want!!’ I’m on my feet and I hit his shoulder a clout with my elbow, then do it again. ‘You try it for fucking size!’
He whispers, ‘I am so desperately sorry.’
‘This is how I am, Hugh.’ I’m still yelling. ‘This is how I fucking well roll. I keep myself safe. That’s what I do, Hugh. I’m keeping myself safe. I should never have trusted you. We were fine on our own, me and Neeve. “I’m loyal as a dog,” you said. Well, you’re fucking not, you know!’
‘I am! And how could you stop loving me so quickly? You must never have loved me.’
‘I did love you! You leaving me was the most painful thing that’s ever happened.’
‘And now I’m back!’ Hugh starts to cry. He covers his face with his hands and cries and cries, and I look at him, my guts crushed with sorrow. There’s nothing either of us can do for the other here.
‘I’m going to bed.’ I’m already longing for the sanctuary of my bedroom, then remember that Hugh will be sleeping there. ‘I’ll sleep in Kiara’s room and you can sleep in mine, but tomorrow you leave.’
While I was away, in order to stay in my Josh bubble, I didn’t look at Facebook. But it’s time to re-engage and I’m dreading it because surely the news is out that Hugh is home. Yep, a quick glance at my timeline establishes that his return is causing a meltdown to rival the one his departure kicked off.
Take this post from one of my neighbours: OMG, Amy, I saw Hugh heading off in the car, looking like a total HORN-DOG!!!!
Pictures of aubergines and general phallic-ry abound. I even get a message from Jana, who has either forgotten that Steevie has banned her from talking to me or, in the general excitement of Hugh’s return, is simply unable to follow orders: Amy! Hugh looks so hot! Lock him in your bedroom and have your wicked way with him until Easter!
This is far from enjoyable but not as humiliating as when he left. Thirty-one new private messages are sitting in my account. They’ll remain unread until the end of time and it’s probably a dead cert that voraciously curious texts and messages are zipping across Dublin, speculating on Hugh’s status. Have I welcomed him home, or is he on the open market?
Well, they’ll soon find out.
95
Friday, 30 December
In the morning, I wake in Kiara’s room, sadder than I can ever remember feeling. Hugh is below in the kitchen, moving around, so, chastened and sorrowful, I go down to him.
When he sees me, his face crumples, he gathers me into a big bear-hug. I lean against his bulk and cry into his chest, holding him tight as he shudders with sobs. When the storm of tears has passed, I say, ‘Hugh, last night, all the shouting and stuff, it’s not good. Can we try, both of us, to behave like decent people? Because it’s not just about you and me.’
With cups of coffee, we sit at the kitchen table and I say gently, ‘You know you can’t stay here, in this house, right?’
‘Really? But –’
‘It’s confusing for the girls.’
During the long, mostly sleepless night, I’d considered living with him until Sofie and Kiara finish school, but this house is too small for us to live like flatmates. God knows how we’ll manage the money – we were barely coping as things were – but we’ll have to make it work.
‘Can’t you give me some time? Please, Amy. My regret … I’d do anything to go back and do things differently.’
His heartbreak is genuine. Mine is too. But the love I had for him has shut down. ‘Sweetie, there’s no going back.’
‘You might change your mind.’
I won’t. ‘We’re done, we’re over, we’re in the past.’
‘How can you be so sure?’
It must be self-preservation. ‘Something happened inside me. I didn’t decide it, it happened by itself.’
He nods tentatively.
‘I was sure you’d never come back.’
‘But I did.’
‘I was certain you wouldn’t. But, Hugh, don’t think I feel nothing. There’s so much grief in me that I can only take tiny amounts at a time. It will take years to get over this, if I ever do. We’ve lost so much, not just you and me, but all of us.’
‘But if you realize that, can’t we just get back together?’
‘We’re over.’
‘No. It’s too quick.’
‘You can snap the neck of a living thing and it dies instantly.’
Almost whispering, he says, ‘Please don’t say that.’
‘Hugh, I’m a few months ahead of you on this, the … grieving. It feels horrific now, but I promise that even the worst stuff eventually becomes okay.’
‘This will never be okay.’
He’s probably right, but it’ll become bearable.
‘Amy?’ His voice is soft, but something about it unnerves me. ‘What happened?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘The summer before last.’ He pauses and icy fingers seize my heart. He looks at me for a long, silent time.
‘I …’
‘You slept with someone else?’
Colour floods into my face. ‘No, no, Hugh, I didn’t.’