CHAPTER 23
I went down to Provo for a couple of days midweek because Adam and Marie both had a terrible case of the flu. I left Samuel and Kurt well supplied with casseroles in the freezer (though I doubted they would ever get them out—Cheri Tate had heard I would be gone and likely the Relief Society would bring in meals). For two days I did laundry and made soup and cleaned up dishes and drove Adam and Marie to the doctor’s. When they were starting to get up and around again, I left Adam with the warning that next year they’d better make sure to get their flu shots.
I drove home just in time for the ten o’clock news on Friday night. Kurt was eating a late dinner so we were watching together in our room when the channel ran a teaser about a new, dark twist in the Carrie Helm case. I felt sick waiting through the commercials, and then the news came back on.
There was live footage of a body being bagged and carried away from what looked like a long stretch of empty, still frozen road.
“A body that has since been identified as missing Draper woman Carrie Helm was found this evening by a motorist near Wendover, Utah,” the reporter said.
“No, no, no, no,” I moaned. I felt physically assaulted, as if someone had dragged me through dirt. I’d known it—I should have known it—nothing I’d done had helped her. Kurt tried to hold me, but I batted him away. This was his fault somehow. He was a man, a surrogate for Jared and Alex Helm, for Tobias Torstensen. I wanted to scratch his eyes out, and kick him in the balls again and again. But I didn’t have strength for any of that.
Kurt moved across the bed to switch the television off, but I growled at him, and he slid back to his side of the bed, his hands up in surrender.
Poor Carrie. Carrie, who wasn’t my daughter.
Poor Kelly, who wasn’t mine, either. She was five years old. How could she possibly accept this and have a normal life? How could she ever trust God again?
I listened as the reporter recapped the missing person case that had now turned to a murder case. “No statement has been given by Jared Helm about his wife’s death,” she was saying. “The case is under the jurisdiction of Utah state.”
Had Jared Helm done this, after all? Had I been fooled into thinking Carrie was alive and with this man Will? Had Carrie been somehow forced to buy that bus ticket and then taken to just across the border and killed, her body left like so much garbage?
I felt sick at the thought that I had felt sorry for him even for a moment, that I had blamed Carrie for any of this. I put my arms around myself and tried to imagine that my body was a shell of protection for my soul, because my soul felt pierced and bleeding.
The television immediately cut to live footage of the police walking up to the Helm house. I jumped up and moved to the bedroom window, Kurt behind me. From our vantage point on the second floor, we could see the police were handcuffing Jared Helm on the street below us, and taking him away. His father was shouting at the police. I could guess at what he was saying; he would be accusing them of incompetence and threatening that they would regret taking his son in.
The figure of little Kelly stood in the big doorway of the house, watching her father being taken away by the police—that was the worst sight of all. Now all she would have was her grandfather to look after her. Had anyone told her that her mother was dead? Would someone do it gently enough for her to sleep tonight? Would anyone read her a story and hold her close? Would anyone make her brownies when she needed them most?
“We have to do something,” I said aloud.
“What do you suggest?” said Kurt. He still didn’t dare to touch me, after my reaction before.
“Get Kelly out of that house. She should be with a loving family in the ward. She needs to be safe.” I couldn’t turn away from the scene down the street. Kelly was still outside, watching everything. She was wearing a thin pink nightgown, frills all over, and she was barefoot despite the cold weather. But it was the look on her face—I was sure I could see it from where I was, and that it was blank terror.
“And you don’t think she’s safe with her grandfather? Physically safe? You think we have any reason to call DCFS? You would have to prove legally that he’s incompetent or abusive,” he reminded me. “Being a neat freak isn’t enough. Nor is hating Kelly’s mother. Or religious extremism.”
I was exhausted after spending the last two days as a full-time caretaker for Adam and Marie, and Kurt was just making me angry at him again. I pushed away from the window, and away from him. “You’re just going to stand by and watch her spirit crushed,” I said. I started pulling the blankets, pillows, and sheets off the bed.
“What are you doing?” he asked, his face alarmed.
“We need clean sheets.” It made no sense to wash them at this time of night, but it had to be done.
“Linda, think carefully about this,” said Kurt. He still didn’t touch me, but he helped me extricate the sheets from the quilt. He folded the quilt methodically and put it to the side, which made me angrier still with him. He could stay calm about all this while I wept because he didn’t care.
“You’ve gotten too caught up in this,” Kurt went on. “You’re not thinking clearly about it.”
Of course he was thinking clearly. He always thought clearly. And that was supposed to be the right thing to do. Not feel emotion. Not thrash around in anger. Be rational. Be a man. Well, I wasn’t a man.
“Linda, we have to let people make their own choices. We can’t help until we’re asked to help. It’s one of the frustrating things I’ve learned about being a bishop, but it’s true. If I try to intervene before people are ready to listen, I inevitably ruin their ability to see the problem themselves and set them back months, possibly years.”
How could he say this to me? He was playing the authority card. He was the bishop. He had the experience. He had the mantle of being God’s voice in my ears.
Well, I didn’t care what God had to say about this. God was a man, too, and as far as I was concerned, until I heard Heavenly Mother tell me how to deal with a little girl in shock and fear, I wasn’t going to listen.
I threw the sheets into the machine, pulled out the drawer for soap, shoved it back in full, then jammed the START button. I didn’t even look at the water temperature or the cycle. I didn’t care. I couldn’t see the Helm house from the laundry room window, but I heard a car driving away as I stood there, waiting for the washing machine to fill.
“I’m going to talk to him,” I said. I was glad I hadn’t changed into pajamas yet. I thundered down the stairs and could hear Kurt chasing me.
“Linda, you should at least wait until the cameras aren’t on. He’s going to be grandstanding about his son being taken away.” He got around me and stood at the door like a guard.
I could have pushed past him, or slapped him. Instead, I took a breath and tried my best to find the rational words that would make Kurt listen to me, whether I felt rational or not. My whole body seemed to have turned to lead, my brain most of all. “And that is exactly why I need to be there for Kelly. He isn’t paying any attention to her. And she has just lost her mother and her father in the same day.”
“Her mother has been missing for some time,” Kurt reminded me. He seemed relieved that I was finally looking him in the eye.
“You know what I mean,” I said.
“Linda.” He put a hand on my shoulder and I didn’t shrug him off. I could feel the warmth of his body spread to mine. “You need to think about how you’re going to approach him.” I noticed he had stopped trying to convince me not to go. “He’s a proud, stubborn man. You’ve got to appeal to that. Don’t tell him he can’t take care of his granddaughter. Make him feel like you are on his side.”
“How do I do that?” I asked, staring past Kurt at the doorknob.
“I don’t know. If I knew that, I’d do it myself. I’m just telling you that you need to think this through before you head over or you’ll make it worse.”
I thought it through. For about two more minutes. Then I slipped around Kurt and flung the door open. Kurt didn’t come after me, and I didn’t know if that meant he trusted me or that he didn’t want to witness his wife on a rampage. Either one was fine with me.
When I walked up the driveway, Alex Helm was so busy talking to the cameras that he hardly noticed me. They didn’t seem to notice me, either, though I had been prepared to say “friend of the family” if anyone asked.
I stepped up to the porch and caught Kelly under one arm, pulling her inside the house.
“Let me get you warm, sweetie,” I said as I put her down. I reached for a hand to guide her up the stairs. Her hands were like icicles. “Would you like to take a bath?” I asked. That would warm her up and make her sleepy, I hoped.
She nodded. “Can I have bubbles?” she asked, her voice high-pitched and shaky.
Damn Alex Helm, I thought, for leaving her out there while he basked in the limelight.
“Of course, sweetie.” I ran a bath for her, listening to Alex Helm’s bombastic voice outside, reporters asking questions whenever he paused. I was relieved to find that there were numerous bottles of bath bubbles under the sink, color-organized from clear to purple. I let Kelly choose one. She played until the water started to get tepid. Then I found the thickest towel I could and wrapped Kelly up in it completely. I carried her into her bedroom and tucked her under the covers for a few minutes to dry before I tried to get her dressed.
“Is Daddy going to come back?” asked Kelly as she pulled on a warm pair of flannel pajamas more appropriate to the weather than the nightgown that lay on the floor.
“Of course he is,” I said. I was saying that too much. And my voice was too bright, an attempt to cover the real anger I felt. I wasn’t sure who I was angriest at right now. Kurt? The police? The reporters on the lawn? Jared Helm? Carrie Helm? Or Alex Helm? Maybe I was most angry at myself.
“When is he coming back?”
“I don’t know.” I couldn’t tell her I hoped it was soon. I didn’t. I hoped that Jared Helm would be in jail for the rest of his life. I’d hope for eternity, but I knew that God had mercy that I couldn’t feel at the moment, even for murderers.
“Daddy said he would read me a story tonight. He always says that, but then he forgets.”
“I can read you a story,” I said. So I did. I read We’re Going on a Bear Hunt, and then despite the late hour, I brought her down to the kitchen. I didn’t think there was any chance she would be able to sleep with Alex Helm making so much noise outside, even if her father hadn’t just been taken by the police under suspicion of murdering her mother.
We made hot chocolate and homemade butter cookies and put them in the oven to bake. It was close to midnight by then, and Alex Helm was still out front, enjoying the cameras flashing. The smell of butter cookies filled the kitchen when he finally stepped inside and closed the door behind him sometime after twelve thirty.
“What’s going on?” he asked. Apparently, he hadn’t noticed me taking Kelly inside, or thought once about where she’d been during his interviews. “Sister Wallheim, what are you doing here?”
I thought about what Kurt had told me. I had to make Alex Helm think I was on his side. “I just thought I would come help out. Keep Kelly company while you were busy, and make some cookies. I hope you don’t mind the mess I’ve made. I’ll clean it up when I’m done.” Playing to his neat freak.
Kelly was yawning, and I had placed myself between her and him so that her head was tucked against my side.
Alex Helm stared at me for a moment, then nodded. “All right. Kelly and I need to talk privately for a few minutes, though.”
“She really should go to bed. It’s late,” I said, putting a hand on her head.
“I think you should go now,” he said. He reached for Kelly.
“But the cookies aren’t done yet. And I should clean up upstairs first. Kelly left some clothes on the room of her floor. And the bathroom is a mess.” I had to stop myself from listing anything else in that false, cheerful tone I was using. “I’ll just take care of that and then I’ll be out of your way.”
“All right, then. I’ll sit here with Kelly and we’ll wait for the cookies.” He reached around me and pulled Kelly toward him. She was limp, sleepy, and I hoped to keep her that way. Arguing with Alex Helm wouldn’t help her, so I let go of my antagonism, for the moment, and left the kitchen.
I hurriedly picked up Kelly’s bedroom, and then went into the bathroom. I cleaned out the tub, and then returned the thick towel to the upstairs master bath. Only then did I dare go back down the stairs to the main level. “Hello?” I called as respectfully as I could. The timer was still going off, and I hoped the cookies hadn’t burned.
“Come on in and have some cookies,” said Alex Helm’s voice.
I saw that the cookies had been taken out of the oven and were cooling on the stove top. It was strange that Alex Helm hadn’t turned off the timer. Did he not know how?
I touched the off button on the stove, then found a spatula and put the cookies on a plate.
That was when I saw that Kelly was snoring away on Alex Helm’s shoulder.
I wanted to snatch her away from him and take her home with me. But that wouldn’t help. Despite my anger at Kurt, he had been right. I had to be logical about this. I had to do what I could for Kelly, in the circumstances she was in. “Can I help you get her to bed?” I asked.
“No, I think I can manage it,” Alex Helm said, lifting her up and putting an arm under her bottom.
“Well, maybe I can come back and help again tomorrow? I’m sure there will be a lot to do with Jared—and lawyers.” I was trying to avoid saying the words “jail” and “murder.” For my own sanity as much as for Alex Helm’s. “I could come by in the morning as early as you want and just stay here until you come back.”
Alex Helm thought a moment, jiggled Kelly as she stirred a bit and then settled. That one moment told me a lot about him as a grandparent, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to see him this way. Indulgent, loving, and well attuned to her patterns. “Thank you, that would be a great help,” he said.
I went home and Kurt asked me what had happened. He nodded when I told him I’d be going back tomorrow. “And you think that you are going to find something over there that will help the police? Or are you just there for Kelly’s sake?”
I didn’t know the answer anymore, and I think Kurt could see I was conflicted.
“Just be careful, all right?” he said, and sighed.
“Be careful? Does that mean you think the Helm men are actually dangerous?” I asked. I guess I was still in an argumentative mood, despite the hour and how tired I was.
Kurt put up his hands. “I don’t know what it means except that I think you have been finding yourself in more and more dangerous situations lately. I thought you had grown out of that phase when I married you, but apparently not.”
WE WENT TO bed and kept mostly to our own sides. I woke up several times during the night and found myself snuggled up next to him, and pulled away.
SATURDAY MORNING, I woke before him and hurried over to the Helms’ a little before seven.
Alex opened the door. He was already dressed, though he looked bleary-eyed. He was buttoning the top button on a dress shirt and I leaned forward to help him cinch up his tie, surprising myself with the domestic reflex.
He told me Kelly was in the kitchen, and he went upstairs to get his suit coat.
In fact, Kelly had decided that the butter cookies we’d made last night would make an excellent breakfast. I didn’t argue with her, but I did get out a glass of milk to try to counter the effects of the sugar.
Alex Helm came back downstairs and told me he didn’t know when he would be back. He said he would call me when he knew more about Jared, but I didn’t press him.
After her late night, Kelly fell asleep on the couch next to me while I was reading her another book. I gently slipped out from under her and began to go through the house methodically—again. Here was the answer to the question Kurt had asked, I suppose. I couldn’t stop myself from trying to find out more. And Kelly was fine, safe and secure on the couch.
In the master bedroom, I found that Alex Helm had left his cell phone behind in his hurry to leave, and I thumbed through the phone history. I was getting used to doing things like this.
He had called the Las Vegas number I had seen on Carrie Helm’s phone, the one belonging to Will, several times over the last few days. Had he talked to Carrie directly? Maybe he was the reason Carrie had left Will. Or was he part of the whole scam about Carrie being in Las Vegas? I still didn’t know when exactly she had died. It was when I checked Alex Helm’s messages that I had to sit down in shock. He had been texting Carrie right up until a few days ago, and she had been texting back. There was no reason for Alex Helm to fake these.
KELLY NEEDS HER MOTHER. I EXPECT YOU HOME IN THE NEXT DAY, Alex had written imperiously.
I AM NOT READY TO COME HOME. AND I SUSPECT JARED DOESN’T WANT ME THERE, ANYWAY, Carrie had written back.
Alex had texted in reply, JARED WANTS HIS WIFE HOME WITH HIM, WHERE SHE BELONGS. YOU ARE CAUSING A TERRIBLE SCENE, EXPOSING YOUR FAMILY TO CONSTANT NEWS COVERAGE.
Then, HOW DO YOU THINK THAT WILL AFFECT YOUR DAUGHTER?
Carrie responded, SHE’S TOO LITTLE TO REMEMBER ANY OF THIS. Then, almost immediately afterward, she followed up with, SHE’LL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME. ISN’T THAT WHAT YOU TOLD ME?
My neck prickled at this.
IF YOU DON’T COME HOME RIGHT NOW, I WILL COME AND GET YOU.
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY THAT.
YOU WILL REGRET HUMILIATING ME AND JARED. YOU CAN BE SURE THAT IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. WHEN YOU GET BACK, THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE.
WHEN I GET BACK? I’M ALREADY MOVING ON.
YOU ARE A MOTHER. YOU CAN’T MOVE ON FROM YOUR DAUGHTER. SHE IS YOURS FOREVER. AND YOU ARE JARED’S FOREVER. YOU MARRIED HIM IN THE TEMPLE.
YOU WON’T EVER SEE ME AGAIN. I’M DUMPING THIS PHONE. I’LL MISS KELLY, BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I WILL BE GLAD TO BE AWAY FROM YOU AND YOUR SON, Carrie returned.
Alex continued to text her, but got no response.
YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM ME. I WILL FIND YOU.
DO YOU WANT YOUR PARENTS TO KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE? I CAN TELL THEM EVERYTHING.
And the last one, GOD WILL TAKE HIS VENGEANCE ON YOU IF I CAN’T. WICKEDNESS NEVER WAS HAPPINESS. WHEN YOU ARE DEAD, YOU WILL SEE THE ETERNAL CONSEQUENCES.
When she was dead?
I realized that my breathing was heavy. I tried to calm down but was overcome with panic when I heard the door open downstairs. Alex Helm had come back—now of all moments.
“I forgot my phone!” he called out.
And I had no reason to be in the master bedroom.
I put the phone down shakily, and then called out, “I’m up here, just doing some cleaning,” I said. I tried to step out of the room, but Alex Helm caught me.
“What are you doing here?” he demanded.
I put up my hands in an attempt to prove my innocent intentions. “My husband and sons are terrible at cleaning the bathroom. I just thought I would help.”
“I don’t need your help with cleaning in here,” he said roughly.
“Oh, are you sure? Usually when I come in and help with children, I try to clean up, as well.” Meek, subservient, keeping my head down.
“Well, that isn’t necessary here.”
“Kelly fell asleep and I wanted something to do,” I added with a shrug.
“You could go watch a soap opera on television,” said Alex Helm. “Or read one of those romance novels women like.”
“I didn’t bring any,” I said, trying to act cowed. “Next time I’ll think of that.”
Alex Helm simply nodded, and turned back to the phone, as if I was no longer important. “If you can stay for a few more hours, until I can get Jared out on bail, that would be useful,” he said, not bothering to look me in the eye.
“Sure. Whatever you need,” I said.
He took the phone, and I swallowed hard as the door shuddered closed behind him.
The rest of the day, I stayed close to Kelly and let my mind run over the messages Alex Helm had sent Carrie. What did they mean? What had Alex Helm done?
I had to leave Kelly with Alex when he came home, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.