“Where did you go?”
“Nowhere really. I took back roads, traveling south. Listened to music.”
I pulled at the material of his shirt. “Troy, look—”
“No…” he interrupted, placing his hand over mine. “You don’t owe me any explanation, Aspyn. Forget anything you planned to say to me when I came back. I’m the one who needs to explain.” He inched closer so that he was right in front of me. “I was caught off guard by my reaction to that guy texting you. It made me realize that my feelings for you are stronger than I’d thought. I was overwhelmed by that and didn’t know how to express what I was feeling, so I left to clear my head.”
My heart pounded against my chest. “Did it help?”
“Somewhat.” He cupped my cheek. “Aspyn, I don’t know what’s going on between us or where it’s leading. But I do know that the thought of you with someone else right now makes me sick to my stomach.”
I swallowed. “Noted.”
“I needed to make sure I understood myself before I came back here to explain. The more I drove, the clearer it became.” He spoke over my lips. “I don’t want to share.”
His mouth enveloped mine. My legs felt weak as my body melted into his. He grabbed my ass and squeezed it hard, almost possessively, as our tongues collided. I reached up and ran my hands through his silky hair, relishing his taste, and once again wondering what the hell I was supposed to do about my undeniable feelings for this man.
He broke the kiss. “As long as we’re doing this, no other people, okay?” He looked deeply into my eyes. “Unless that’s not what you want?”
“I haven’t thought about anyone else for a long time,” I admitted. “Yes, I responded to that guy’s message. I felt like I needed to keep my options open, even though I had no intention of meeting up with him while we were spending time together.” I sighed. “But I’m confused, Troy. Because this is temporary, isn’t it? That’s been my understanding this entire time. You’re leaving. I’ve been trying not to get my heart involved based on that assumption.”
He leaned his forehead against mine. “That was my plan before I realized I had these feelings. Maybe we should just…see where things go? Not label it, but not close the door either. Right now I can’t stand the thought of you with anyone else.”
I stepped back. “So, you’re saying this is more than just a physical thing for you?”
“Did today not prove that? I have genuine feelings for you, Aspyn. I don’t only want to fuck you. I want to date you.” He looked down at his feet. “But at the same time, I don’t want to make promises when I don’t have much experience with monogamous relationships.”
“Have you ever been monogamous?”
He took my hand. “Let’s sit.” Troy led me to the couch. “I had one serious relationship after grad school when I first moved out to Seattle,” he began. “I never cheated on her, but I also didn’t feel like she was the one. Sarah ended up getting a job out of state, and when I convinced her to take it without suggesting we try a long-distance relationship, things ended. But that relationship hadn’t even lasted a year.” He searched my eyes. “What about you? When was your last relationship?”
I twisted my ring. “I went through a rough patch after my sister died. So, it took me a while to be in the mental state for a commitment with someone. In the past seven years or so I’ve only had two boyfriends. But I was with one of them—the most recent one—for three years. It ended a year ago.”
“Who was he?”
“His name is Holden. He admitted to me once that he’d almost cheated on me, but he stopped it before anything happened. I would rather someone break up with me than have to stop themselves from cheating. Because of what I’ve witnessed my whole life—with my mother continually taking my unfaithful father back—I didn’t want to take that chance. So, I was the one who ended things with him before he could inevitably screw up again.”
“That’s fucked up that he admitted that, but I guess it’s good that he did. What an asshole, though.”
“What really stunk was that Kiki was pretty attached to him. I think she was one of the main reasons I kept him around as long as I did, despite my doubts.”
He blew out a breath. “I hadn’t even thought about how any relationship you have will inevitably affect her. You’re amazing for all the responsibility you’ve taken on.” Troy brushed his finger along my cheek. “I’m gonna be real with you, Aspyn. I don’t feel worthy of your time.”
I placed my hand over his. “Why would you say that?”
“I don’t know. It just came out.”
“Why don’t you feel worthy?”
Troy stared off. “I think it goes back to childhood. When I was a teenager, my mommy issues translated into anger or acting out. But as I get older, I focus less on the fact that she left and more on the deeper meaning behind why she left. The only conclusion I ever come to is that…I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t worthy of her love. That feeling, whether true or not, makes me feel unworthy of almost anything that might bring joy to my life.” He paused to look over at me. “Right now, the joy in my life is you.”
Wrapping my hands around his face, I brought his lips into mine and kissed them firmly. I pulled back to look at him. “I don’t know if you’re right for me, Troy, or where this is going to lead. I don’t even know if I should trust you. But one thing I can say with absolute certainty is that you are most definitely worthy of joy, love, and everything this life has to offer.” I paused. “Your mother made a mistake. And I’m sure she died with regret, even if she never admitted it to you. I’m sorry that her decision makes you doubt everything. But never doubt that you’re worthy.”
He kissed my forehead and whispered, “Thank you.”
Troy and I spent the rest of the weekend together. And this marked an unofficial shift in our relationship, when Troy Serrano somehow morphed from fuckboy to boyfriend.
Troy
Another weekend gone, and the waiting game to see Aspyn began once again.
The past few days had gone nothing like I’d anticipated. I hadn’t been prepared for my flood gates to open so easily at the first threat of a little competition. I might have been experienced when it came to sex, but I sure as hell wasn’t experienced when it came to dealing with actual feelings for someone.
As much as that car ride had helped me hone in on what was really bothering me—that I didn’t want to share her—I was still no closer to knowing if I was right for her, or whether I should continue to lead her on by messing with her feelings.
I didn’t usually talk to my grandfather about my personal life in any great detail. But today I paid a special visit to ask him for some guidance.