The world went muzzy; the air was viscous around me; it was hard to think.
By the time I realized I was walking, we were nearly at the harborside, as if I had fallen asleep and the smell of fish had awakened me.
Kiggs held my hand. I stopped short and blinked at him stupidly. The street around us was dark and empty.
Thinking hurt. Memory evaporated like a dream if I grasped it too tightly.
Kiggs scrutinized my face. “How are you feeling?”
I checked, finger in the bathwater of my brain. “I—I’m not. Nothing.”
“We’re nearly at Naia’s,” he said. “Do you think you can make it?”
The Censors had been after Orma a long time. They would cut out his memories, and my beloved uncle wouldn’t know me when he saw me again.
I gripped Kiggs’s hand tighter. The world reeled; he was the only point standing still. He’d asked a question. I tried to remember. “Uh, I don’t … it doesn’t … I’m sorry.”
The only light came from windows and the heartless moon, barely enough to illuminate the prince’s worry. He cupped my cheek in his free hand.
I observed this from a cautious distance, the way one observes a wasp.
He pulled me eastward (I also observed). We passed Naia’s building because Kiggs didn’t know which one it was. I had to speak to tell him where to go (I noticed myself speaking).
Naia greeted us; Abdo (poor Abdo) lay inert in his alcove. “She’s very upset,” said Kiggs (referring to someone we all knew). “Her uncle was taken by the Censors.”
(Why did no one remove my memories? What a mercy that would be.)
“Of course you can stay,” said Naia, answering someone’s question.
Then I was in a bed. Kiggs sat on the floor beside me and held my hand. Naia held a lamp.
I noted the line of demarcation between wakefulness and sleep. It was blue.
I awoke at dawn, lucid and remembering all: Eskar’s report, saarantrai outrage at the Censors. The way I went blank. Kiggs …
Was still here. He’d fallen asleep sitting by the bed, his arms folded on top of the coverlet, his curly head within easy reach of my hand. I hesitated, then smoothed his hair out of his eyes.
He blinked awake. “How are you?” he whispered, stretching his shoulders.
“I’m not the one who slept sitting up,” I said.
“Bah, I’m fine. Comonot’s probably wondering where I am, though.” Kiggs rubbed sleep from his eyes. “Or not. It’s hard to predict.”
“I’m sorry I was so—”
“You have nothing to apologize for,” he said, his dark eyes serious. “I know what Orma means to you, how you’ve feared for him. If it’s any consolation, the exiles are furious about the Censors stealing Orma away, even if he wasn’t one of their own. They’re all in favor of taking Lab Four on the way to the Kerama. Comonot wasn’t sold, but they may not give him a choice.”
It wasn’t that reassuring—surely the Censors had had ample time to excise Orma’s memories—but I made a heroic stab at smiling.
Kiggs gazed at me tenderly and lay a hand upon my hair. “I hate to say it, but I need to go,” he said. “Are you going to be all right?”
“Oh, probably,” I said, sitting up. Kiggs rose and pulled me to my feet, and we stood face to face in the semidarkness. I don’t know whose arms first encircled the other, or if we came to that decision together, without speaking. We held each other close. His beard was scratchy against my cheek. My heart beat wildly, and I realized that whatever self-control we thought we possessed had not been truly tested yet. If we were to sail home together, our resolve would soon find itself strained.
Maybe returning with Kiggs wasn’t my only option, though. I had a niggling feeling that there was something else I needed to do.
A noise out in the main room interrupted that line of thinking. We moved apart guiltily; I pulled back the curtain and was astonished to see Abdo at Naia’s cabinet, helping himself to yesterday’s flatbread and leftover gaar, a paste of anchovies, olives, garlic, and catmint. He carried his dish to the couch, set it beside him, and began spreading gaar on the triangular pieces of bread with a spoon. He worked slowly, one-handed, but once he’d covered the bread, he made quick work of eating it. He closed his eyes and savored each bite, as if he’d never tasted anything so delicious.
I’d never seen anything so beautiful as Abdo up and awake, but I was afraid to be too hopeful. He might be himself; he might be Jannoula. I put a hand over my mouth, trying to decide what to do.
“Oh, thank Allsaints,” breathed Kiggs beside me. I hadn’t told him much; he and Naia must have talked more than I realized. He started to step forward, but I put up a hand and stopped him.
Abdo heard Kiggs speak or move, and his brown eyes popped open. I scanned for Jannoula’s look, to no avail. It was early, and the apartment dim. Maybe she wasn’t there.
Abdo prepared another piece of flatbread, and it hit me: he was eating wrong, spreading gaar on his bread with a spoon, like a Southlander might have done. Porphyrians used flatbread to scoop up lumps of gaar.
“Prince, you need to go,” I whispered, my heart heavy. “He’s full of Jannoula.”
Kiggs whispered back, “Surely it’s possible to reason with her? Could I try?”
I stared at him hard, willing him to understand that Jannoula had just seen him emerge from my bedroom and that this was knowledge she could hold over both our heads. Kiggs may not have gleaned anything from my glare except that he needed to go. He didn’t dare kiss me, of course, but he lightly touched the small of my back, then crossed the room in five swift strides. “Abdo, it cheers my heart to see you up and about,” he said, pausing before the couch, and then he was gone.
I bit my lip, wishing he hadn’t brought himself to Jannoula’s attention. Nothing good could come of that.
Abdo ate rapturously and paid me no mind. I whispered, so as not to wake Naia, “I know you’re there.”
He raised his eyes to my face. This is good, said Jannoula through Abdo in my mind. I am sick to death of Samsamese food.
So she was still in Samsam? She wanted me to think so, at least. “How are you?” I said, stepping toward the middle of the room. “How’s dear old Josef?”
Abdo’s eyes looked at me sidelong. Perfectly tame, which is good, since I’ve had to spend a lot of time in a holy trance lately while Abdo fought me. Abdo’s face wrinkled into an ugly scowl. He’s been a nuisance and a hindrance when I’ve had other things I wished to accomplish.
“What other things?” I said.
Abdo shoved another piece of bread into his mouth. You’ll know when it is right for you to know. You need to redouble your efforts to gather our people. I have no connection with any of the Porphyrians now. I tried to catch the twins—they’re the easiest—but they’re guileless and leave me no place to hide. That horrid Zythos Mors always spots me.
I didn’t want to learn that name from Jannoula. “You mean Camba,” I said coldly.
Don’t tell me what I mean, she said, narrowing Abdo’s dark eyes. I mean for you to quit wasting time. Abdo heard last night that you’ve finally realized your noxious uncle is gone, and good riddance. The Censors are brutally pulling his mind apart right now, fiber by sticky fiber, and grinding his memories of you to dust.
I felt like she’d knocked all the breath out of me, but I held myself together enough to notice something in her voice, an undertone of contempt, and not just for Orma. For his captors? Why would she despise the Censors? Had they stolen someone she loved, too?
That’s one distraction out of the way, she was saying, but what about this other? I’d not have pegged you as the type to take a paramour. Someone Abdo knows, too. She eyed me shrewdly. I’ll find his name in here, don’t worry.
Abdo’s face suddenly contorted in pain. He grabbed at his hair knots and pitched sideways off the couch. I caught him, preventing him from hitting his head, but he thrashed in my arms. In my mind I heard Jannoula’s scream of rage.
Naia was beside us in an instant, wrapping her strong arms around him like an anchor tethering him to the earth. He struggled another moment and then went still. “Abdo!” she cried, anguished, but he raised his good hand and patted her hair.
I—I ambushed her, he said in my mind, in his own voice.
My eyes prickled with tears. Did she seize control in your sleep again?
I hid and lured her out, and then I struck, he said. I’m still fighting, Phina, but I’m so tired.…
He burst into tears, weeping silently into Naia’s shoulder. She rocked him and whispered into his hair. Abdo’s head pushed her gold-rimmed spectacles crooked, but she didn’t straighten them.
He was silent several minutes. I said in a tremulous voice, “Are you still there?”
Abdo did not reply. The dark sea of struggle had closed over his head again.