Chapter Sixteen
I’m Me
I parked in front of Ren’s and I was a little freaked.
This was because I’d texted him after Operation Takedown Baddies and told him our plans for the evening had to change. I also asked him to phone me when he had a few minutes to talk so I could explain.
He didn’t phone, and when I phoned him he didn’t pick up.
During the Not-Really-F*ck-Buddies phase of our relationship, we didn’t text or call to shoot the shit, be funny or flirty.
But we did text and even call to sort things like his place or mine or tell each other we were on our way.
This had obviously intensified since our time in Carnal, but even before Ren had never ignored a text or phone call from me. If I called, I couldn’t remember a time when he didn’t immediately answer. Not even one. And he might not return a text instantly, but I never had to wait more than an hour to get a reply.
So the fact that he didn’t do any of that and hours had passed freaked me.
I didn’t want our relationship to fall into a pattern of taking each other for granted. This wasn’t to say that I expected him to hop to the minute I tried to connect with him. But I also didn’t want to slide into a place where he assumed it was cool to delay connecting with me because he knew he had me where he wanted me and I could fit into the schedule of his day. Especially not if something I had to say was important.
Which this was.
I folded out of my car, threw the door to and beeped the locks, crossing the street and making my way up to Ren’s.
I’d never asked, but looking around on my way up to his house, distractedly I figured he had to have a gardener. Denver was arid, but that didn’t mean yards could not be lush and green. However, for them to be so, you had to put a shitload of effort into it. Ren’s front and back yards were amazing. Thick and flourishing, mostly plants and grasses, but here and there was a hint of color that made it interesting.
And it wasn’t him slaving away to make it that way.
I put the key in the lock, turned it and walked in, kicking the door closed behind me. Then I stopped dead.
The front of Ren’s house was one long room with two seating areas. One was just a seating area. The other was the TV area.
He was sitting on a couch to my left in the TV area. The TV, however, was not on. His suit jacket was off, but he had not changed out of his shirt or trousers. The cuffs of his shirt were rolled back, though. He had one arm slung across the back of the couch. The other hand was upending and touching his cell on his knee.
Upend, slide, touch it to his knee and repeat.
This was weird.
His eyes were on me.
They were angry.
I felt the air in the room was heavy and I knew I was in trouble.
“You have a good afternoon?” Ren asked quietly, but not in his sweet. Not even close.
It was then, belatedly, it hit me.
Shit, shit, f*ck.
I had not told him about Operation Takedown Baddies, and Lucky was on me so he’d know and report that to Ren.
I hadn’t really thought about that, what with having a gun jammed into my ribs and being given the opportunity to end this crap in plenty of time to fully enjoy Ava and Luke’s wedding without it hanging over anyone’s head.
It was good Lucky didn’t get involved because that could have been bad.
But even though he was currently angry, I thought it was going to be okay that I did not share this with Ren. Evidence was suggesting that if I kept calm and explained things, this was taken positively.
I also had an explanation, so I hoped once I gave it to him, he would take it positively. Or, at least, with a minimal amount of yelling.
“I texted and phoned,” I reminded him carefully.
“Yeah,” he returned immediately. “After you got a .38 shoved in your ribs.”
Oh man.
“Ren, honey, I’m so sorry,” I said, taking a step to him. “I didn’t think. I’ve been on my own awhile, doing this gig awhile, and I’ve never had to report in to anybody but Darius or Brody. In fact, even when I was with Carl, I never really reported in to anybody about anything. But what happened this afternoon went down as a surprise and I had to stay focused. But I should have called and next time I will.”
He hadn’t moved in the entire time I spoke, but when I was done, he asked, “Next time you will?”
Okay, it was time to get down to this.
That was to say, it wasn’t an optimal time seeing as he was pissed. But it was time.
I took another step toward him. “Yeah, babe,” I said softly. “Next time I will.”
He said nothing and kept staring at me.
I took a further step toward him.
“I should have explained my decision earlier, but things between us had changed in a really good way. A way I liked. We weren’t fighting. We were working things out, getting to know each other better, understanding what was in our future. I didn’t want to mess it up because I knew you wouldn’t be happy with the decision, but the decision I made was important to me.”
“And that decision would be?” he prompted, brows up, when I stopped talking.
I took in a deep breath, and on the exhale, I announced. “I’m officially going into the family business.”
Again he was silent.
I took yet another step toward him and explained, “I decided it when I got fired from Brother’s. I don’t have it all planned out, but things are falling into place. After Luke and Ava’s wedding, I’m going to get down to doing that.”
“Two days ago, we had a discussion about you making decisions about your life and how those decisions affected me,” Ren reminded me.
“And we’re having that discussion now,” I told him quietly.
“It’s not a discussion, Ally, when you’re telling me it’s a decision already made and that you’re making plans to carry it forward.”
This was true.
Time to take this in another direction.
“This is important to me,” I whispered.
“And it’s important to me to be with the woman I love, the woman with whom I intend to have a family, and do that without the possibility of her getting riddled with bullets or comin’ back from getting ice cream with the kids and finding our home has been leveled.”
“Those things aren’t going to happen, Ren. It’s not—”
Ren cut me off.
“Jules was shot twice, stickin’ her nose into shit that was not her business. You’re all livin’ the relief that she’s breathing so you don’t let your minds go there. But the truth is, she got it in the gut and chest, and the fact she still exists on this earth is a f*ckin’ miracle. And both Stark and Crowe have taken bullets during jobs your brother contracted to do. And both those men have years of experience and training. It’s not going to happen?”
“I’ll be careful with the cases I chose to take on,” I assured him.
“In that line of business, you can’t be that careful,” he shot back. “It’s an impossibility. Your brother knows every risk he and his men face when he takes a case. They plan every move they make and every operation they undertake considering all the variables. And they’ve got enough time in on the job, they know every f*ckin’ variable they gotta consider. And the one they always plan for, the most important, is they always know it’s a possibility in every job they take that there’s one variable they won’t have covered.”
“I’ve been doing this for a while, Ren. I’ve been watching my brothers, both of them, and Lee’s guys. You learn from doing and seeing, and I have. And I’m good at it. But the bottom line is, I love doing it. It’s in my blood. It’s me.”
“You’ve said that before, but I see you aren’t takin’ into consideration that it’s important to me that you do not do this shit. You do not put yourself out there. You do not get into a situation—or situations, repeatedly—that might take you away from me or, later, our family.”
Okay, maybe another tactic was in order.
“So what do you propose I do?” I asked.
“Find something you like, or enjoy your time at Fortnum’s then turn your focus to raising our kids.”
I studied him closely, hoping he was joking.
It appeared he wasn’t joking.
Nevertheless, I thought it important to seek clarification.
“You want me to be a barista and then a stay-at-home mom?” I asked.
“Honestly?” he asked back, and I nodded. “Yeah. I got my wish, that’s what you’d be. But if that isn’t what you want, we can discuss it and you can find something to do that doesn’t include maybe pissing off husbands you caught cheating or putting you on radar with pimps and dealers.”
I stared at him and said nothing. Not that I didn’t have things to say. Lots of them.
Just that he was sitting there, unmoving except for upending his phone, eyes on me, totally calm and saying this shit to me, which for all intents and purposes was ripping my heart out and tearing it to shreds.
So my voice was strange in a way I’d never heard it be, not even in all the emotional ups and downs with Ren Zano I’d experienced for over a year, when I asked, “In all the time we’ve been together, have you paid even the slightest attention to me?”
I knew it was my tone that made his face turn guarded as he straightened out of the couch, keeping his eyes locked on me and starting, “Ally—”
I interrupted him. “This is me.”
“Honey—”
“This has always been me and you are one of a very select few who have always known it.”
“Yes, I have,” he agreed. “Not that you shared that with me openly. Just that I found that shit out.”
This was true, but at this juncture, it also didn’t matter.
“What I’m sayin’ is,” he continued. “For us and our future, it’s important to me to know you’re safe, but more, to know me and our future plans are important enough to you that you yourself do what you can to stay safe.”
I shook my head. “No, Ren, what you’re saying is, to be with you, I have to prove you’re important enough to me to change everything about me.”
He took a step toward me.
I took a step back and he stopped.
“Ally—” he started again.
I cut him off again. “You don’t want me.”
He shook his head and I saw his eyes flash with irritation when he clipped, “Baby, that’s just not true.”
“Really? Am I having a conversation in a different dimension than the one you’re in?” I asked sarcastically. “Because the Ren in my dimension is telling me I can’t be me and instead, to be with him, I have to be someone who is so, so, so, so, so not me.”
I knew it would happen. It was actually a shock he’d kept his shit tight for as long as he had. And me switching to sarcasm didn’t help.
But at my words, the Italian hothead badass broke through and he lost it.
And this made his voice loud and his eyes cold when he chose a tone like he was talking to a small child, and one who was not all that bright to boot.
“What I’m trying to impress on you, Ally, is that I understand this is important to you, very important. But we’re talkin’ about you showing me that our future is important enough for you to do something as simple as havin’ a job where you’re safe and stay healthy and don’t bring shit into our lives that’s uncontrolled.”
“I’m not some maverick with a death wish, Ren. I always do everything I can to stay safe and healthy, and it’s part of my job to keep shit controlled. I’ve been doing this for two years and none of this has leaked back into my life.”
That was when he really lost it.
“For f*ck’s sake, Ally!” he shouted, “Your apartment exploded!”
F*ck.
I had to give that to him, and unfortunately it was a biggie.
“Rosie was a one-off. He was never a client, but I’ll admit he’s a wildcard.”
“Babe, the people you will connect with day to day in that business are all gonna be wildcards,” he returned.
He was right about that, too.
But it also wasn’t the point.
“Okay, Ren. You’re correct. That’s true. That said, what I’d ask from you is to trust me to know what I’m doing.”
“Since I don’t, that’s a problem,” he bit out, and I felt each word like he’d landed a blow.
So it came out breathless, and not the good kind, when I whispered, “Right.”
“Ally—”
“No.”
His chin jerked on that one word and I knew why.
Because it was quiet and filled with so much pain, it permeated the air, threatening to choke me.
I powered through that because I was Ally. That’s what I did.
And I had no choice.
I took in another deep breath and told him, “The reason our date was off was that Mom and Dad called a family meeting. I was going to talk to you to see how you felt about coming. Obviously, that isn’t an issue anymore.”
“Baby—” he took a step toward me, but I again stepped back.
He stopped moving and I kept talking.
“Still, they want to talk and I need to listen, so I have to go. I’ll be back later to get my stuff.”
“Honey—”
“I’ll text you when I’m on my way and it would be really cool if you weren’t here when I got back. I’ll leave the key in the kitchen.”
“Ally, don’t—”
“There’s nowhere to go with this,” I hissed, and he shut his mouth. “We’ve been around this and around it and it leads nowhere. I have no f*cking clue why you worked so hard to get in there with me when you didn’t want me. But you did. Now, you need to move on. Because I’m me. And if you can’t accept me as I am, then we’re done.”
After that, I moved slowly to the door, through it and to my car.
Ren didn’t follow me.
* * * * *
I walked up to my childhood home in Bonnie Brae and walked right through the front door without knocking (seeing as it was my childhood home, this wasn’t rude; and anyway, they were expecting me).
Lee’s Crossfire and Hank’s 4Runner were at the curb, so I knew the gang was all there.
When I got inside, I found they were all hanging in the living room.
Dad, Hank and Lee had beers. Mom had, what looked to my practiced eye, a margarita in a regular glass.
I could use a margarita, sans the margarita mix, of course.
But I didn’t have time to ask. I wanted this done. I wanted to get back to Ren’s. I wanted to get my shit. Then I wanted to get somewhere no one could see me and have a complete mental collapse.
It didn’t escape me when I walked in that no one with two eyes in their heads would not click that we were a family. We all had the same hair, even Mom and Dad. Hank and I had whisky-colored eyes while Lee had chocolate brown, but other than that we were all tall and lean. The men had more bulk, but we all had the same frames.
I’d always liked this. Even as a kid. Belonging to this family. Belonging to these people. And knowing no one could mistake that they were a part of me.
And also knowing what I knew was in them when their eyes turned to me.
Whatever this was going to be changed the instant every single one of them got a look at me.
They knew.
They knew inside I was bleeding.
“Honey, are you—?” Mom started, and I straightened my shoulders.
“I suspect,” I cut her off to start, “that part of the reason I’m here is because you’re not happy I’m with Ren Zano. So, in order not to waste anybody’s time, I’ll let you know that doesn’t factor anymore because before I came over here, I ended things with him.”
“Jesus,” Hank muttered, studying me closely.
“Ally—” Lee started.
Dad and Mom just stared at me.
As for me, I kept talking.
“The rest, so you can target your comments, I got fired from Brother’s two days ago and decided to start a private investigations agency. This is why Ren and I are no longer together. He’s violently opposed to that idea and wants me to consider a career as a barista before I move into my tenure as a stay-at-home mom.”
Dad’s eyes moved to Lee and Hank.
Mom’s mouth got tight.
I kept speaking.
“I’m not down with that. He’s unwilling to see my point of view. So that’s done. What’s not done is the fact that Daisy is looking for office space to rent and I’ve tentatively taken her on as my receptionist.” I looked to Hank. “And you may or may not know, but Roxie has started designing a website for me.” I looked to Mom. “And Ava is mocking up logos. So it’s all a go. I’ll be sitting down with Daisy after Luke and Ava’s wedding to organize a business plan, and shortly after we’ll be actively recruiting clients.”
I took in a breath and kept going.
“I intend to get licensed eventually, and Darius is approaching Sylvie Bissenette so I can work with her and acquire the hours I need to approach the Licensing Board. Until that all takes off, I’ll continue to work at Fortnum’s with Indy.”
I threw out a hand and moved to my conclusion.
“If I’m willing to lose Ren for this, the man I love, the man who loves me, the man I fell in love with the first night we met, then I’m willing to do anything for this. In other words, you won’t talk me out of it. But because I love you all and respect you, I’ll listen to what you have to say.”
After that, I shut up.
Dad looked at Mom.
Mom only had eyes for me.
“Maybe you and me can go into the kitchen, get you a drink and have a chat,” Mom suggested gently.
This meant she wanted to ascertain just how cut up I was about ending things with Ren.
I had no intention of going there. Not until I was alone with a bottle of tequila.
“I have things to do tonight, so thanks Mom, but that’s gonna be a no,” I replied.
“I’m thinkin’ we should delay this meeting until you’re in a better state of mind, honey.” This came from Hank and it was also suggested gently.
I looked to him and saw his expression was just as gentle.
My brother was awesome. Both of them were.
Still, I shook my head. “I’m thinking we should get this over with.”
“You, Hank and me, we’re going to The Hornet,” Lee stated and I looked at him. “And I’m calling Indy.”
This meant he was worried about me and didn’t want to discuss my career path, but wanted to call in reinforcements (namely Indy) who could see to my broken heart while he and Hank paid for tequila shooters.
See?
Awesome.
“Thanks, bro, but that’s also a no,” I whispered.
“Sweetheart—” Dad started, and my eyes got instantly hot just hearing that word.
When you’re a kid and a girl, dads had superpowers. They could heal any hurt, usually with a word said just like that one. Or, if shit was extreme, if he added a hug, it would all go away.
My dad’s superpowers were finely honed.
But they didn’t extend to this kind of healing.
“No, Dad,” I whispered. I looked through my family and requested, “Can we please just get this done?”
“We’ll talk Monday,” Hank declared. “You come to Lee’s office. We’ll all be there.”
“Hank, we’re here. Why can’t we just do this now?” I asked.
“Because we’re not doing it now,” Lee said. “We’re doing it Monday. Five thirty. My office.”
I looked from one brother to the other.
F*ck.
“Fine,” I snapped. “Now I gotta go.” I looked through my brothers again and finished, “I’ll see you tomorrow at the rehearsal.”
“Ally, why don’t you stay and eat dinner with your dad and me?” Mom asked, and I looked to her.
“You’re cool with it, I’ll come over for dinner on Sunday,” I offered an alternate, which might appease her even if it would not do it totally.
At least it was something.
She looked to Dad then back at me and nodded.
“Later,” I murmured, turning and giving them a low wave.
“Allyson,” Dad called, and I sucked in breath and turned back. When I caught his eyes, he said softly, “You’re loved, sweetheart.”
I pressed my lips together and nodded, keeping my eyes to Dad because I knew I couldn’t cope with them all at once showing me Dad’s words were true through the expressions on their faces.
I then turned again and got the f*ck out of there.
* * * * *
I clenched my teeth as I sat in my Mustang outside Ren’s house.
This was because, regardless of the fact that I texted him before I drove away from Mom and Dad’s, Ren’s Jag was at the curb.
During our Not-Really-F*ck-Buddies phase, I’d always wondered but never asked why he didn’t park in the two car garage he had out back. It was in good repair and had a kickass wooden garage door with these interesting windows at the top.
I figured it was because the front was closer and had easier access to the house since his backyard was long. Some of it was terraced so he had a boatload of steps to climb up. That wouldn’t be all that fun for lugging in groceries, even if you were a tall, strong, fit hot guy.
Then again, the front required, without fail, parallel parking, which was something I, like only three point two seven percent of the population (my estimation, not based on a study or anything), had the skills to do. Still, that didn’t mean it didn’t suck having to do it.
I was sitting there thinking I would never get an answer to this question at the same time I was thinking there was nothing for it. I had to go in, even with Ren there. I needed clothes, and my clothes were in Ren’s house. So even if he wasn’t going to be cool and let me get in and out without hassle, I had to get my meager belongings.
But before I did that, I knew I had to make a clean getaway. Therefore I had to have somewhere to get away to, and I’d made my decision on the drive there where that was going to be.
I pulled out my phone, found the contact and hit go.
On ring three, Daisy answered, “Everything good, sugar?”
“I ended things with Ren and I need a place to stay,” I announced and ignored her sharp gasp. “Can I crash with you and Marcus for a couple of days?”
Silence before she asked, “You ended things with Ren?”
My eyes got hot and my voice was husky when I requested, “Please, Daisy. Not now.”
This bought me more silence, but it lasted a lot less time before she said, “Absolutely, darlin’. I’ll go up and make sure one of our guest rooms is ready for you and I’ll be doin’ that right now.”
I so freaking loved Daisy.
“Thanks,” I whispered.
“No problem, baby,” she whispered back. “Now, you get here when you get here and we’ll sort you out.”
“Okay, Daisy.”
“See you soon, sugar.”
“Right.”
I hung up before she could keep being sweet. I didn’t have a lot left in me before I lost it, and Daisy had a lot of sweet and that would undo me. So I had to cut that off. Pronto.
I twisted his key off my ring in order to be ready, angled out of my car and hoofed it to Ren’s.
Get this done and get gone.
Done and gone.
I tried the door, found it unlocked and walked right in.
The TV was on and Ren was in jeans and a tee, lounging like the hot guy he was on the couch, watching it. But the minute I entered, his eyes turned to me.
My mouth filled with saliva.
I tore my eyes from him and made a beeline to his kitchen.
I heard the TV go off.
I didn’t take this as a good sign.
I dropped the key on his counter and moved out of the kitchen.
He caught me at the doorway. Arm hooking my waist, he shuffled me to the side and closed in so I was back to the wall and Ren was pressed to me.
I looked up at him and his face was set to sweet.
Somebody.
Please.
Kill me.
“We need to talk this through, baby,” he said in a voice set the same way.
But this time there was no way he was going to get to me through his sweet.
“We haven’t talked about much in all the time we’ve been together,” I replied. “Except this. And we never agreed. I’m thinking we never will. You’ve got a life to lead, so do I. So I also think we should get on with doing that.”
His free hand came to my jaw and I fought swallowing because I didn’t want him to get anything from me. He already had enough.
In fact, everything.
“You love someone, you compromise. We’ll find a way to compromise,” he told me.
“What you mean is, I’ll find a way to compromise,” I told him.
“Ally—”
I was losing it, so my voice was scratchy when I asked quickly, “Why are you doing this?”
His fingers flexed into my flesh and his face got closer when he answered, “Because I believe in us.”
“There is no us,” I returned.
“There’s always been an us, but I get you needed not to believe in that and why. That said, you can’t deny there’s been an us the last three days, honey.”
“That was all fantasy.”
He blinked and whispered, “What?”
“That Ren and that Ally don’t exist. That was just you and me wanting to believe we could. But we couldn’t. We fight. We don’t agree on important things. We want the same thing in different ways. We don’t work, but for those three days, we pretended we do. We can’t pretend anymore, Ren. We have to be honest, see this isn’t going anywhere and move on.”
“So you’re saying right now you’re going to get your shit and leave and not sit down and see if we can work on finding a future we both believe in?” he asked.
“What I’m saying right now is that I think all that’s been said has said it all.”
“Right, then, you’re not in a space right now where you’re up for talkin’ about this, so I’ll ask you don’t make any decisions. Stick with me, sleep beside me, and tomorrow when we’re less raw, we give each other that time.”
I shook my head. “Nothing’s going to change, Ren.”
“It won’t if you don’t give it a shot, Ally.”
I held his eyes and laid it out. “You don’t believe in me.”
His jaw got tight.
Yep.
He didn’t believe in me.
F*ck.
Again my f*cking eyes got f*cking hot, but again I powered right the f*ck through to end this.
“Even if I could talk you around, I can’t live with a man who doesn’t believe in me. And I can’t do what I have to do out there with half a mind to wondering what you’ll think about this case or that decision or a client or how you’ll react when I come home and tell you about my day. I wouldn’t have to worry about any of that shit if you trusted me. Believed in me. But you don’t and you won’t, because you don’t want this for me, or for you, or for our future. So what is the f*cking point of dragging this shit out now when it already hurts in a way that if we even gave it days, it would kill?”
He took that as an in. I knew it when he pressed deeper and his face got closer.
So I moved to end it.
“You’re not the man for me, Ren, and I’m not the woman for you. We’re done and when I say that it is not a Rock Chick done where you can be badass or cool or whatever and talk me into changing my mind. I mean that in an Ally Nightingale way, where I know what I want and I’ve found the path that leads to a future that’s exciting to me. So when I say we’re done, I mean we’re done.”
With that, I pulled away, sliding out from in front of him and walking quickly up the stairs.
I had not had time to scatter my shit to the four corners of Ren’s house.
Which was good.
It meant what I had to gather took little time.
But it didn’t matter.
Because I barely hit his bedroom before I heard the front door slamming.
When I had it all gathered, I went to the window and looked down to see the Jag was gone.
So the coast was clear.
Nevertheless, I wasted no time double checking that I had absolutely everything.
And then I got the f*ck out of there.