But it’s right this way. Clean break.
You think it’d make things easier. It doesn’t. It makes them harder somehow.
Not being with Carrick, I feel like I’ve lost a limb. Nothing could ever have prepared me for how badly I feel at not being with him.
I thought living with the fear over his races was bad. It was child’s play compared to how I feel now.
So, why don’t I go back? Why don’t I call him up and tell him I’m sorry and beg him to take me back?
Because nothing’s changed. I’m still me. I’m still not good enough for him. I walked away from him, and I hurt him.
And he’s moved on now anyway.
Not with anyone else—well, not that I know of. But after I left, I couldn’t help myself from looking for news of him.
In the beginning, there wasn’t much. News on how his poles had been slipping back. I felt the blame for that immensely. And there was a photo of him taken a few weeks after we’d broken up. He didn’t look good. He was pictured leaving a sponsor dinner with his dad. He was dressed in jeans and a shirt, unshaven. He looked tired.
It hurt me that he looked bad, that he was clearly hurting, but a dark part of me was relieved to know that he wasn’t over me.
But then a few weeks ago, I saw news that his poles were picking up and that he’d taken first place in both his American and Mexican races.
I was happy for that.
Then, yesterday, I saw a picture of him here in Brazil. He’s in S?o Paulo for the penultimate leg of the tour. He was at some event, surrounded by models, and it knocked me off-kilter.
He looked better. He looked like Carrick. He was smiling. He was happy.
It felt like a punch in the gut, seeing that picture, knowing that he’s over me now. I know it’s hurt that I deserve, but that doesn’t make me feel any less shitty.
I knew it was coming, I just didn’t know how hard it would be to know he was over me. And I guess just knowing that he’s here, only an hour’s drive away from me, is making things hurt more.
Even more so right now because I’m on my way into S?o Paulo to have dinner with Uncle John, Petra, and Ben. I’m driving in. I borrowed my mum’s car to save me from having to take the train. Mum was invited tonight, but she already had plans. So, we’re going to have dinner another night with Uncle John before he leaves.
I’m meeting them at a restaurant called Pizzaria Speranza. It’s a great place with amazing pizza. I’m trying not to think about how much Carrick would love it there.
I’m so looking forward to seeing the three of them. It’ll be nice to see them, catch up. I’ve talked to them on the phone, but it’s not the same. I miss them.
It’s funny how I got so attached so soon—well, I mean, with Petra and Ben. I was already attached to my Uncle John. I guess it’s from being on the road together. You spend way more time together than you normally would.
I’ve resolved myself not to ask how Carrick is. I’ve refrained from mentioning him when I speak to them on the phone. But there has been the odd occasion when his name has come up with Petra. Especially in the beginning after I left, she would tell me how much he was missing me.
It was hard to hear. And it made it even harder to stay away.
But I’m poison to Carrick. He doesn’t need me in his life. He’s better off without me, and I think he’s realized that now.
I park in front of the restaurant. They’re already here, seated outside. So, the moment I’m there, they’re on me.
Petra is the first to reach me, and she hugs the life out of me. “Bloody hell! I’ve missed you!”
“Missed you, too, Pet,” I say, feeling a rush of emotion.
Holding me back by the shoulders, she stares into my face. “Not saying that you look like shit, but you look tired, and you’ve definitely lost weight, and there wasn’t much there to lose. You doing okay?”
“I’m doing fine.” I brush her off with a smile.
I’m not fine. She knows that. I know that. And she’s right. I have lost weight. When I’m down, I’m one of those people who loses their appetite.
“Good to see you, Andi.” Ben moves in to give me a hug. “It’s just not the same around the garage without you.”
“Aw, Ben, I’m really feeling the love right now.” I laugh against him, but honestly, I’m fighting tears.
The moment Ben releases me, Uncle John’s lifting me off my feet into a bear hug. “Missed you, kiddo. I just got you back, and you’ve gone and bloody left me again.”
Uncle John rarely shows emotion, but I hear it clear in his voice. And then I see it shining in his eyes when I pull back to look at him.
I give him a sad look, wishing so badly that things were different, that I was different. “Missed you, too, Uncle John.” I press a kiss to his stubbly cheek before he lowers me back to my feet. “But we’re here now, so come on. Let’s get this party started!” I force a big smile and lightness into my voice.
Petra grabs a hold of my hand and leads me over to our table, sitting me next to her. “So, what’s good to drink here?”
“Drink?” Ben chuckles. “Are we not eating?”
“Yes, of course, we’re eating.” She gives him a look. “But the important thing is first—alcohol.” She grins, making me laugh.
God, I’ve missed these guys.
And I try not to focus on the one person I’m missing most.
“I’ll drive you back. It’s on my way.”
“You sure?” Uncle John checks.
“Of course. Seems silly, you all getting a taxi back when I’m passing that way.”
We’ve been at the restaurant for hours, just eating and having a laugh. I haven’t been drinking since I’m driving, but the three of them have put some beer away, and Petra is definitely merry.
We all pile into my car, and in no time, I’m pulling up to the front of their hotel.
I get out of my car, so I can say good-bye to them properly.
I’m just hugging Ben good-bye when I see him. He’s leaving the hotel with his dad.
My heart stops at the sight of him. Everything else around me fades away.
The constant ache that I have learned to live with since leaving him intensifies, leaving me breathless.
I close my eyes on the pain, but I feel it the instant he sees me. Almost like he’s touching my skin with his hands, I feel his eyes touch upon me.
I look straight at him, noting his shock at seeing me.
I move away from Ben, and my eyes follow Carrick as he walks toward me.
My body starts to tremble, my heart beating in double-time.
He stops a few feet away. He’s dressed in jeans and a team T-shirt. He looks beautiful.
“Andressa…”
Hearing his voice saying my name is like having a glass of water in the arid desert, only to find that it’s not real but a mirage.
“Hi.” My voice is weak with everything.
“We’ll leave you to it.” Uncle John presses a kiss to my temple. “I’ll see you soon, kiddo.”
I don’t watch them leave. I can’t take my eyes off Carrick. We’re both just standing here, staring at one another.