For so long the only thing I loved was the memory of my sister. That was all that kept me going. All I had to hold on to. I had Hannah’s picture, the list of names on the back, and the memories of her that kept me moving forward, trying to get to the end of my mission so I could finally lay things to rest.
But things are so different now. So much better, as scary as that is to admit. Instead of having almost nothing, I have four men who have made a place in my heart.
When I was focused on that list, I never really thought into the future. I didn’t see the point of it. What good was thinking about what would come next when I knew I’d be going it alone?
Now I feel like I can actually see a future.
I can see the possibilities ahead for me and these men, so many things I never even considered before. Nights like this, drinking and joking around. Fucking shit up together. Fucking each other. Learning more about them and letting them learn more about me. Not being afraid that what they find out will make them push me away.
I want all of that with them.
“Oh my god,” Ash groans, putting a hand over his face as he laughs. “I forgot about that. Gage was always so in control, and he completely fucked that up.”
They all laugh, and I find myself smiling softly.
Maybe I can have what I want. Maybe that future can really be ours.
For the first time in what feels like a long time, I let myself do something that feels more wild and dangerous than anything else I’ve ever done.
I let myself hope.
29
River
The bark of the tree is rough and familiar against the palms of my hands. As soon as I realize where I am, the ache in my chest eases a bit, and I let out a little sigh of relief.
This tree has come to feel like a safe place. Detroit is a crazy, rotten city, and there’s always something going on, but up in this tree, we’re above it. None of it can reach us.
Hannah is ahead of me, like she always is. She climbs slowly, making sure I know where each handhold is. It’s almost like I’m starting to memorize the movements because I don’t need as much help as I usually do. I follow her more easily, climbing up and up and up through the branches.
We finally reach that spot where we can cling to the trunk and look out over the city, and we’re quiet for a few long minutes, catching our breaths and taking in the view. I don’t know if this Hannah in my dreams needs to breathe, but I watch the rise and fall of her chest and the way the flush of the climb gradually fades from her cheeks.
I break the silence finally, feeling like my mouth is dry, but I have to say something.
“I miss you,” I tell her. “I miss you so fucking much. It’s worse this time than it was the first time around. Then I knew I’d fucked up, and I didn’t keep you safe, but now I have to live with the fact that you died for me. It’s... it’s hard.”
Hannah smiles softly, glancing over at me. “It was never your fault, River. Not then and not now. You would have done the same for me in a heartbeat. That’s just how we are.”
I nod because she’s right. That is how we are. It’s the promise we’ve always made to each other.
“I’m glad you’re not alone, at least,” Hannah says. “I’m glad it’s not like the first time.”
“Me too.” I cling a little harder to the trunk when a gust of wind comes rushing through. “They’re... good. For me. They have their own demons, and they can be brutal and savage in their own right. I’m sure people with standards would say they’re bad men, but they’re good for me. And they’re good to me.”
“That’s what matters,” Hannah agrees. “You’ve never given a shit what anyone else thinks, and ‘standards’ are stupid.”
I laugh a little because she’s right, and it’s so Hannah to point it out like that. “They’re just everything I never knew I needed.”
“And probably some things you wouldn’t admit you needed. Because you thought you were beyond needing things.”
That’s very her too. The way she’s always seen through me. But it’s not scary. Maybe it’s because it’s a dream, and it’s the only place I can still be with my sister, and where my fears are held at bay for a moment. Whatever it is, it makes me feel bolder than I have before, and I take a deep breath.
“I love them,” I tell her.
It’s almost a relief to say it and to know that it’s safe to do so here, far away from the reality of waking life. I watch Hannah’s face, trying to gauge her reaction, but all she does is smile brighter, looking happy for me.
“I’m so glad, River,” she says. “I worry about you, you know. You always let your goals take over and forgot about how you deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy.”
That brings tears to my eyes. Hannah always did have a way of getting right to the heart of the matter. She saw me better than anyone ever has before, and even though she’s right there, close enough that I could reach out and touch her, I know this isn’t real. I know it’s a dream, and when I open my eyes, she’ll be gone.
It’s better than watching her die over and over again, knowing there’s no way I can stop it, but it still aches. It still makes my heart hurt and sends jagged pain spiking through me.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “I wish… .fuck. I wish I could have saved you. You have no idea how much. I wish you were really here. I wish we could go back to this tree and climb it and talk like we did when we were kids. I just…”
I shake my head, overcome. Tears stream down my face, and I don’t take my hands away from the bark of the tree to wipe them away.
Hannah’s smile turns sad, but it doesn’t dim. She nods at me, reaching out with one hand to touch my shoulder. I don’t really feel it. There’s a vague sort of warmth there, but no weight to her hand. There’s no grip when her fingers squeeze. Just more proof that she’s not really here.
“I know,” she says. “But since you couldn’t, I need you to do something else for me, okay?”
I nod through my tears, sniffling a little. It’s a good thing no one else is here to see this.
“Anything,” I tell her.
“What you can do for me instead is... live. Live, River. Live and be happy. Keep your men and find things that bring you joy. Please. That’s all I want for you.”
“Okay. I’ll try.”
It’s the best I can promise. I’ve never been good at being happy or living life without something to strive toward, but I guess fulfilling this wish for my sister is something I can put ahead of me as a goal. Not trying to kill people or get revenge. Just trying to live and be happy.
Hannah smiles, and it’s so bright it puts the sun to shame. She reaches up to touch my face, smoothing her fingers over my cheeks like she wants to wipe my tears away. She can’t do that, not even in the dream, but the thought is enough.
“Love you,” I murmur, looking into her eyes.
“Love you back,” she says. “Always.”
The dream fades, and I wake up in my bed between Ash and Gage. Ash is awake, watching me curiously as I blink and shake the haze of sleep off.
“Good morning,” he murmurs, his voice a little raspy. He leans in and kisses me, and I lean into it gladly, kissing him back and taking comfort in it.
“Bad dreams?” he asks, pulling back and searching my face.