“Hannah’s dead, and I feel so... guilty. She died protecting me. She jumped in front of that bullet, that had my name on it, and now she’s dead. I was supposed to protect her, and I didn’t.”
Knox’s face gets more serious, and he puts the tools in his hand down, setting them aside.
“You can’t hold that guilt inside you,” he says. “Everything you’ve done for the past five years has been to avenge Hannah, and then you tried to get her out when you found out she was alive. She knew that. You did your best for her, and no one could ask for more.”
I swallow hard and look down at the concrete floor. It’s dark in places, probably from old blood stains that were hastily cleaned up. I fix my eyes on one patch of concrete and try to focus on that and not the darkness that wants to creep in around me.
As if Knox can see it taking hold again, he suddenly picks me up and puts me on the counter. I don’t fight it, letting him move me where he wants to.
“Hey,” he says, tipping my chin up with two of his rough fingers so I’m looking at him. “Tell me some good memories about Hannah. Whatever you can think of off the top of your head.”
I blink at him for a second, surprised by the request.
Knox isn’t usually the one for the heart to hearts and touchy feely stuff, but I guess it shows how much he cares that he wants to help chase some of this darkness away. We can’t kill anybody right now, so maybe this is the next best thing for the moment.
I open my mouth, and I don’t even have to think hard about something to talk about. It just comes out automatically.
“Hannah loved climbing trees,” I tell him. “She was freakishly good at it too. Like some kind of spider monkey or something. There was this huge tree in the park by our house, and Hannah would just shimmy up it like it was nothing. And I’d stand there at the bottom, just terrified. I was scared of heights, and even more scared of falling. But it was like Hannah didn’t even notice how high up she was. It never bothered her.”
Even just talking about it, I can picture standing at the base of that tree, watching Hannah move faster than anyone should have been able to in a tree, going from limb to limb, higher and higher.
“One day we were at the park, and I was standing there at the bottom like usual, and Hannah told me she wanted me to see the view. I said no immediately because I couldn’t even imagine trying to get that high. But she wouldn’t let me chicken out. She helped me climb this massive tree, and we went up so high it was like we could touch the clouds. We could see so much of Detroit from up there, and it looked a lot less shitty than it did from the ground. It looked beautiful.”
I get lost in that memory for a moment, thinking about the feeling of the bark, rough under my hands, and the way my heart hammered in my chest, going a mile a minute while we climbed. Hannah’s voice, just a little breathless from the climb, telling me I could do it, telling me it was all going to be worth it. She’d reach out and take my hand when I faltered, putting it on the next branch up and showing me how to make my way higher. There was wind in my face, and we could see for what felt like miles.
It takes me a bit to shake myself out of the memory, and then I glance back up at Knox. “Why did you want to know?”
He grins. “Because you have to hold on to those good memories just as hard as the bad ones. They exist too. Right alongside the bad. They’re yours as much as all the awful, shitty ones are.”
I raise an eyebrow at him, surprised by the depth and insightfulness of the statement.
“Wow. That’s very Zen of you,” I tease. “You’re like a psychotic, murderous Winnie the Pooh.”
Knox grins wider, and his eyes flash with heat. “So what I’m hearing is that you want me to walk around with no pants on. That can be arranged.”
A laugh bursts out of me, and the weight on my chest lightens a little.
Knox leans in and kisses me, sliding his hands down my body before letting go of me to reach for his pants. I can feel him undoing his button and fly, clearly prepared to make good on that threat to go pantsless, and it makes me chuckle into the kiss.
I lean into it, craving that closeness with him, chasing the firmness and the heat of his body.
He growls under his breath, abandoning his pants once they’re open, grabbing at me to haul me closer. My ass slides a bit on the table, and I let him move me, eager to get as close to him as I can.
The heat starts to build between us, and when Knox presses his tongue against my lips, I let him slide it between them, tangling my tongue with his.
But before we can lose ourselves in the inferno building between us, I hear the telltale sound of footsteps on the stairs.
Knox’s hungry growl turns into one of frustration, and he reaches over and picks up a knife from the counter, throwing it toward the door just as it opens. The blade hits with a thud, embedding a couple of inches into the wood, and I look over to see Ash rolling his eyes.
He doesn’t seem bothered by the fact that a knife flew toward his head as soon as he entered the room, like he knows Knox missed on purpose.
“Sorry to interrupt,” he says, sounding anything but. “But one of our informants came through. We’ve got info on who Julian’s biggest buyer is in his drug operation.”
12
River
Ash’s news changes the mood instantly.
Good. I’m eager to get moving on this, to start pulling Julian’s life apart. The longer it takes, the more antsy I’m going to get. He has to pay for what he did.
I separate from Knox, and Knox pulls his pants back up, doing up his fly and button. We all head back upstairs to join Gage and Priest in the living room.
The dog comes in behind us, and he stops by me to whine for head pets and then goes over to settle down at Priest’s feet.
“Benedict Arnold,” Ash says to the dog, shaking his head. “I gave you some bacon the other day, and this is how you repay me? By choosing Priest over me?”
Apparently that’s the dog’s newest name. He thumps his tail against the floor, either because he doesn’t mind the name at all or because he’s just happy to be there. He does seem to favor Priest over all the other guys, which is funny considering how standoffish Priest was with him when I first got here.
“Really, Ash?” Gage comments from the center of the room where he’s standing. “You’re jealous of a dog?”
“I’m not jealous. I’m just saying if someone gave me some bacon, maybe I’d want to sit at their feet instead of someone else’s. But that’s fine, Benny.” He addresses the last bit to the dog. “I’m not hurt. I don’t care.”
I snort with amusement, and Priest just rolls his eyes and reaches down to scratch behind Benny’s ears. The harshly beautiful blond man looks better than he did earlier today. More rested and less fucked up from me running off. His eyes don’t have that heaviness to them anymore, but it’s clear that petting the dog is as much for Priest’s comfort as it is for the dog’s enjoyment.