-Ellie-
We found a hotel on the ocean near Sandbridge Beach, Virginia. It would take us over five hours to get there but Flynn had already started mapping out our journey. He had calculated the mileage and the rest stops along the way.
He planned our vacation completely, down to the colors of the shirts he was going to bring and the types of socks that were the most comfortable for the long car ride.
It was hard to tell if he was looking forward to the trip or not. I was excited. I was beyond ecstatic to be going. I had always dreamed of seeing the ocean. Of digging my toes in sun warmed sand and splashing in the waves. I wasn’t sure how much sea and sand Flynn would actually be up for but I was excited all the same.
I was in town loading up on supplies for our trip when I ran into Reggie. I hadn’t seen anyone from my old group in weeks. Even when I had my shifts at JAC’s no one came in like they normally did. I stopped going by Woolly’s and I didn’t take the occasional drive down to the river where I knew people liked to hang out.
In truth it was pretty sad that once I had stepped away from my old world, not a single person reached out to see where I had gone.
I had made it a point over the years to keep my friendships superficial. Even with Dania, there was only so much I allowed them to see; only so far I’d let them in. Not that they cared.
And that had worked for me. For a long time I was quite content with my seclusion. But now that I had Flynn in my life I realized how lonely I had truly been. How isolated I had allowed myself to be. I had existed, not lived, and there was a very big difference between the two.
Reggie and I had never been close by any means. She was a hanger on. Someone the rest of us tolerated because of what she could do for us. Her dad was a pharmacist and in high school her proximity to prescription meds had come in handy. The guys liked her because she had big boobs and zero inhibitions. She thought nothing of giving a blowjob or spreading her legs so long as they got her drunk first.
Dania detested her even as she used her for rides whenever she needed them. We would make fun of her behind her back and coyly to her face and then pretend we were only joking. We even gave her the nickname TFB, aka Tits for Brains.
We really were horrible people.
“Hey, Ellie!” she said in that overly exuberant way of hers.
“Hey Reggie, how’s it going?” I asked, feeling bad that I was already thinking of ways to conclude this conversation so I could get out of there.
“Ah, you know, a little of this, a little of that. Crazy shit that Stu’s back in the clink huh?” she asked, running her fingers through her greasy hair. Her eyes were a little bloodshot and she seemed twitchier than normal. My guess was she had been face first in a pile of meth not too long ago.
“Yeah, sucks for him,” I agreed, grabbing a bottle of shampoo and putting it in my basket.
“Shane’s having a party tonight. You should come. We haven’t seen you in a long time. Dania’s being a bitch about it too. Says you’re too good for us now that you’re screwing the ‘tard,” Reggie snickered.
I wanted to smack the drugged up grin off her face. Forget feeling bad about the way I treated her. She’s just lucky I never put a boot up her ass.
“You wanna watch how you talk about Flynn? I’d hate to make a scene by ripping that ugly shit you call hair out of your head.” I gave her a syrupy smile and turned back to my shopping, hoping she’d take a hint.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Ells. I didn’t mean anything by it. He’s nice. Really. And he’s cute too. I mean, I wouldn’t want to f*ck the dude or anything. Because you know he’s a freak and all. But I’m sure he’s great.” Reggie was rambling and my patience was quickly running out.
“Shut up, Reggie,” I said through clenched teeth.
“Yeah, okay. I will. Um, wow, you’ve got a lot of stuff there. Why all the stuff, Ells?”
Tweakers were so freaking obnoxious.
“Because I’m going away for a few days,” I said, hoping she’d leave me alone.
I shouldn’t have told her the truth because now she wouldn’t shut up.
“You’re going somewhere? Where are you going?”
I sighed, feeling a headache coming on.
“Just going to the beach for a few days. Nothing big,” I was hoping by being uninformative, she’d let it go.
Today was not my lucky day.
“The beach? That’s so cool! I went to the beach once when I was a kid. Dad took us all to the Outer Banks. That’s in North Carolina. Have you ever been to North Carolina? It’s so pretty! I loved it. The ocean was cold because it was September. But it was so much fun. I made the biggest sand castle”
“Okay, thanks for the info, Reggie,” I interrupted her. She was twitchy and rambling and if I let her, she’d go on forever.
“Sure, no problem. So you’re not going to come the party?” she asked, scratching at a spot on the side of her nose.
“Nope, Reg. I’m not. Hope you guys have fun though,” I said, not at all sincerely.
“Oh we will. You know we will. You should have been to the party two nights ago! It was crazy! Dania and Shane almost got arrested! I did so much coke I thought my head would explode. But it was so cool”
“Wait, Dania almost got arrested? What happened?” I cut her off with a sinking feeling in my stomach.
Reggie laughed loudly. A few people looked over in our direction and I saw on their faces exactly what they were thinking.
What a bunch of losers.
I couldn’t believe I was ever okay with being lumped in with them like that. I honestly had always thought that I was just as bad if not worse than the people I associated with. How could I have never wanted more for myself than that?
“She was wasted. I mean waaasted,” she drawled out.
“And?” I prompted, trying to keep an easily distracted Reggie on track.
“And she and Shane wanted more beer. So they broke into JAC’s and got us a few cases. Of course the alarm went off. They almost got caught but they didn’t. It was epic, Ells!”
I hadn’t heard about a break in at JAC’s. But I had started cutting back some on my hours trying to focus more on school. I hadn’t had a shift since the beginning of the week. Still, I had thought I would have heard about something like that.
And what was Dania even thinking? She had been wasted. What else was new? But it wasn’t like her to be that reckless. That had always been my thing, not hers.
“How wasted was she, Reg?” I asked.
Reggie giggled. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen her that bad. Some guy from Dale County was there and he had some kick ass shit he was selling. It was grade A stuff, Ells. He seemed to like Dania. They were hooking up for a while.”
“What kind of shit was he selling?” I asked.
“You know meth, weed, pills. The usual. Dania and I split a bump of crank which was killer!”
So now, aside from drinking herself stupid, she could tick hardcore drug usage while six months pregnant off the list. She smoked pot, still smoked half a pack of cigarettes a day and drank like a fish, but I hadn’t seen Dania touch drugs in over a year.
“I can’t believe her!” I growled, throwing the rest of the items I needed into the basket and storming down the aisle towards the cash register.
Reggie hurried after me. “It was fun, Ellie! What’s the big deal?”
I turned on my former friend and unleashed the temper I was known for. I couldn’t help it. I f*cking lost it.
“Because she’s pregnant you f*cking moron! She has a baby inside in her stomach!” I pointed at Reggie’s stomach for emphasis.
Reggie wasn’t smiling and laughing now. She knew the look on my face all too well and was already backing away in retreat.
“She says the baby’s fine,” Reggie excused and I thought a moment about throwing the bottle of shampoo I was putting on the counter at her dim head.
“Did you not pay attention at all in health class? Drugs will mess you up. They will cause that baby in her belly to have a goddamned arm in the middle of its forehead! Wake up, Reggie! Stop being the stupid slut everyone says you are! Grow a brain!” I seethed.
Reggie frowned and for a minute I felt almost bad. I shouldn’t be yelling at Reggie. She wasn’t the one forcing Dania to make such stupid decisions. She wasn’t the one I was really angry with.
“Dania was right. You have become a bitch,” Reggie spat out and rushed out of the store.
I let out a huge sigh and turned back to the cashier who was now regarding me with wide eyes. She didn’t look a day over sixteen and clearly my outburst had freaked her out.
She quickly rang up my items and practically shoved the bag into my hands. I paid her and tried giving her a reassuring smile. She didn’t return it.
“Thanks,” I said when she handed me the receipt.
She still didn’t say anything and looked like she would pass out with relief when I moved away from the register.
I pulled out my phone and looked down at the time. I had told Flynn I’d be a few hours. Three at the most. He informed me that was one hundred and eighty minutes.
I needed to head over to my apartment and pack a few things but there was something else that I felt I needed to do as well. There was someone that currently needed me whether she realized it or not.
And I couldn’t abandon her. No matter how self-destructive and nasty she could be.
I dialed the familiar number and held my ringing phone to my ear. I wondered whether Dania would bother to answer it when she saw my number.
I was surprised when she picked up after the fourth ring.
“What do you want?” she snarled into the phone. She sounded rough and I recognized the sound of her hangover voice. She was obviously coming down from a bender.
“I want to talk to you. I don’t like leaving things like this.” I said.
“Why? You’ve got better things to do now that you’re f*cking the freak. Why don’t you go off and have your little freak babies and leave the rest of us to our loser lives,” she bit out.
I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her.
“You know what, fine. I just thought that our friendship was worth more than that. But clearly, I’m the only one that feels that way,” I snapped.
“That’s so like you, Ellie. Always putting it on everyone else. Of course it’s my fault! Everything is always my fault!” Dania’s voice rose the more upset she became.
I took a deep breath in through my nose and out through my mouth. Who thought those stupid breathing techniques I had learned in therapy all those years ago would finally come in handy.
“Look. Just come over to my apartment. I have some shit to do there and I’d like to see you. I think we both have things that need to be said,” I said, trying to be as placating and reasonable as possible.
Dania snorted and I heard her covering the phone and the sound of muffled murmurs. Then she was back.
“Fine. Craig said he could drop me off there in a few,” she said and hung up.
It hadn’t taken her long to move on from Stu.
I rolled my eyes heavenward, knowing that this was most likely going to be just as horrible as I imagined.
My apartment was a mess but I didn’t have the time or patience to give it the proper clean it needed. I straightened the thin pillows on the couch and washed a few of the dishes that were piled up in the sink.
I went into my bedroom and located the one suitcase I owned at the back of my closet. Julie had gotten it for me when I was a kid. She had wanted me to have something that was mine that I could take with me to a new foster home. At the time I thought it was so pretty. It used to be bright pink with purple polka dots. I remembered the handle had been curved and covered it sparkles. To a seven-year-old girl, it was the coolest thing ever.
Nowadays it was a sad reminder of a horrible childhood. The purple polka dots were long since faded. They were an off colored beige standing out against a barely pink background. The side had split open years ago and I had to staple it shut. The handle had split and I had fixed it with duct tape.
It was used and beat up but it would work. If I planned to go away to school, I’d have to invest in some new luggage. The thought was equal parts exciting and terrifying.
I pulled out some panties and socks and shoved them into the suitcase. I slammed the drawer closed, knocking over several of the tiny sculptures sitting on top. I set them upright and smiled.
Flynn had made these. I had unknowingly been cherishing small pieces of him all this time and hadn’t realized it. It was beautiful and perfect and reaffirmed my belief that being with him was right.
I heard my front door open and close with an angry bang.
Dania was here.
Let the drama begin.
“Ellie!” she yelled at the top of her lungs.
I took a deep breath; I was doing that a lot lately, and composed myself so I could deal with her without ripping her hair out.
“Back here!” I called back.
I could hear Dania’s furious stomps as she headed back to my bedroom. A few seconds later, she was filling the doorway with her expanding girth. She looked tired and haggard. Her normally healthy, shiny hair was dull and lifeless. She had dark circles under her eyes and her skin was ashen.
“Hey,” I said, trying for a small smile.
Dania didn’t return it. She looked unhappy and close to homicidal, as I had ever seen her.
“Well, you wanted me here. Here I am. What the f*ck do you want to say?” She was instantly combative. I had known she’d be like that. I had prepared for it. I was an old hat at dealing with her myriad of moods and temper tantrums. But I realized my patience for her endless nastiness had disappeared. I had asked her over hoping to clear the air between us. Seeing her aggressive defensiveness I knew that wouldn’t happen.
This would go either of two ways. I would either have to roll over and show her my belly. Tell her I was wrong and grovel for her forgiveness. Or I could stand firm and watch as a ten year old friendship crumpled for good.
And I wasn’t in the mood for groveling.
“You can come in you know,” I replied breezily.
Dania eyed me warily but took a step into my room. She looked at my suitcase on the bed and the clothes I was putting in it.
“Going somewhere?” she asked.
“Yeah, going to the beach for a few days,” I said, watching her out of the corner of my eye as she sat down on the edge of my bed, shoving my suitcase to make room.
“With the freak?” she spat out.
“With Flynn, yes,” I answered coldly.
“I can’t believe you’d actually spend time with that waste. What’s wrong with you?” she sneered.
I grabbed a handful of shirts and crossed over to the bed where she was sitting and placed them in my suitcase. Dania grabbed one of my nicer sweaters and curled her lip.
“What’s the point of looking nice? It’s not like he’s smart enough to realize the effort,” Dania said nastily.
I yanked the sweater away from her and folded it back up.
“Okay, let’s do this, Dania. You’re pissed. You think I’ve betrayed you or something. Which is stupid. So what, I’m dating Flynn! What does that have to do with you?” I demanded.
Dania glared at me. “It’s has to do with me because I was the one that went to visit you every single day at the gross juvenile detention facility, where you were because of that f*cking freak! It’s my goddamned business because we were making plans! You said you’d help me out and get an apartment with me, but I’m guessing that’s off the table now that you’re with Flynn.” She said his name like a dirty word.
“And you have betrayed me, Ellie! Because you didn’t tell me anything! You didn’t tell me what was going on! I thought we were friends. Best friends. And you kept something huge from me! That’s f*cked up and wrong!”
Dania was getting worked up. Her neck and chest was splotched red and she was breathing rapidly.
But I was pissed too.
“First of all, I was sent to juvie because of what I did. Because of what we did!” I waved my finger between us.
“It had nothing to do with Flynn. I made my choices.”
“But you said” Dania started arguing.
I instantly interrupted her.
“I know what I said. I know what I’ve always said. But it’s wrong. I was wrong. Don’t you get that? I f*cked up. I paid the price. And I have to live with what I did to him the rest of my life! Did you know his dog was inside? We killed his f*cking dog, Dania!”
Dania snorted. “So? It’s just a f*cking dog. It’s not like people died or anything. And I’ve heard he’s fixed the place up and it looks better than it ever did. So I don’t see what you’re freaking the f*ck out about? It looks like he got a better end of the stick than you did, that’s for sure. So pardon me if I don’t get why you’d want to hang out with him. You hated him! Don’t pretend you didn’t,” she challenged.
Her lack of remorse, her total insensitivity wasn’t surprising. I had expected it. We were two sides of the same coin really. When I looked at Dania, when I heard her speak, it was like seeing and looking at the Ellie McCallum I had always been.
I shook my head and turned back to my dresser, pulling out the two other pairs of jeans I owned and folded them neatly.
“I’m with Flynn. I love him, Dania. So either you accept that or you don’t. But I’m not going to stop being with him because you don’t like him. Because you’re stuck in some pathetic time warp where you feel you still need to bully him to make yourself feel better. Grow up, Dania. I’m trying to,” I threw at her.
Dania clenched her hands into fists.
“You self-righteous, condescending bitch!” she growled. “Since when did you become better than everyone else? Since when did you become so high and mighty that you think you can look down on the rest of us? I don’t know who the hell you think you are”
“I’m the person who’s trying to get her ass out of Wellsburg and have a f*cking life!” I yelled.
Dania recoiled like I had slapped her.
“So, we aren’t good enough for you anymore. I get it. So I’m not sure we have anything else to say to each other. You’ve made yourself pretty f*cking clear,” Dania said, her voice frigid. She got to her feet and looked around my room, her voice curling in disgust.
“And you’re just a piece of shit like the rest of us. No matter how much you try to clean up,” she derided.
“I’m going to college, Dania. You could go to. Take some classes. You’re smart. You could make something of yourself,” I protested, trying one last time to salvage a friendship that had gotten me through some of the worst times of my life.
Dania laughed bitterly. “Unlike you, I’m just fine with how things are. I don’t need to go out there pretending to be something I’m not. I’ll leave that to you,” she scoffed.
“You’re fine with drinking yourself unconscious every night? You’re okay with taking drugs and potentially f*cking up that baby you’re carrying worse than your parents f*cked you up? You’re going to be a mother, Dania. Start acting like it!” I shouted.
Dania’s face turned a scary molten color. She advanced toward me, her chest heaving up and down. She looked murderous.
“Don’t you f*cking dare tell me how to be a mother! What the hell do you know about it? I’m sick and tired of your sanctimonious bullshit!” she screamed. She reached out and swiped everything off the top of my dresser.
“You stupid, judgmental bitch!” she shrieked as she ran over to my bed and turned over my suitcase. Everything upended on the floor.
“Stop it, Dania!” I yelled, trying to grab ahold of her.
“Oh, I’ll stop it all right. This friendship is done! I never want to see you again! Don’t call! Don’t stop by! Don’t even f*cking think about me! I can do this on my own! I’ve never needed you, Ells,” she screamed.
“You were just the sad, pathetic kid I took pity on. I stopped Mr. Flanders from messing with you because I didn’t want to see you sniveling and crying. It was f*cking annoying. Do you honestly think I ever even liked you? F*ck no! We all have always laughed about you behind your back. Shane used to call you the fish f*ck! We all cracked up over that one. He’d tell us how you’d just lay there while he screwed you. That you were about as hot as dead fish. And then you’d cry because he didn’t call you. You sad, pathetic bitch! And then there was that guy Aaron our junior year that you panted after. Yeah he screwed you. But what you didn’t know was that I f*cked him right afterwards. And do you know what he told me? That you sucked. That I was so much better than you were. That you wouldn’t know how to f*ck a dildo! Every guy you’ve ever wanted, wanted me more! Just remember that. And your friends were only hanging out with you because I told them to. No one likes you, Ellie. They never have.”
I didn’t know what to say. She was unleashing ten years of venom that I had never guessed that she felt. Sure, I knew she was selfish and self-centered. But I had truly believed on some level, she had cared about me.
But what I was hearing spewing out of her mouth was bitter, hateful jealousy. She needed people to like her, to want her, more than they liked or wanted me. That in her head, for all of these years, we had been engaged in some sort of competition that I hadn’t been aware of.
I thought I had kept myself cut off from feeling anything deeply for her or our friendship. That it had been a relationship born out of necessity rather than choice. Somehow I had convinced myself that I had never become overly attached to Dania.
That was such a lie.
Because her hate filled tirade cut me to the quick. It hurt. A lot.
“So it makes sense that you’d end up with a guy like the ‘tard. No one else wants you! So go f*ck the freak. You take up too much of my air anyway!” Dania flipped her hair over her shoulder and stomped out of my room.
I stood there, unable to respond. Unable to yell back at her.
Then my front door was slamming shut behind her. And just like that, our friendship was over.
I turned back to my dresser and saw the mess she had made of my things. I dropped to my knees and picked up one of my sculptures. The tiny Big Ben was broken in half. I rummaged through the wreckage. Every single one was irreparably broken.
I supposed it was only fitting Dania would destroy them.
She had obviously wanted nothing more than to destroy me all this time.
But it would take more than her hateful words to bring me down.
Because I had something to fight for now.
I ran my finger over the tiny piece of art that Flynn had created.
I had Flynn. And I had my future.
And that was something Dania could never take from me.