“Are you joking?” I asked.
“No. What’s funny?” Diana said, lifting one box and being pulled back down by its weight. “You weren’t well, but you got better, and you went back to work and now you’re moving into your own place. That’s good. That’s progress,” she said wisely.
“I wouldn’t say I’m better,” I told her, wiping sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand. “Be careful. You don’t need to lift the heavy ones.”
“Jeez, take the compliment,” Diana said, scraping a cobweb from her hand onto the wall of the shed.
“Let me tell you something,” I said to my cousin. “You’re going to go through a lot in your life. Us black women, we don’t have it easy. The family, they come with their own stuff—”
“You don’t have to tell me about that,” Diana cut in.
“And school, university, work, it’s all going to come with its stuff. You’ll meet people who ‘don’t see race’ and are ‘color-blind,’ but that’s a lie. They do see it,” I explained. I knew how my cousin’s attention span waned when being taught anything, so I tried not to sound like I was lecturing her. “And people should see it. We’re different, and they need to accept our difference,” I continued, and Diana nodded along. I kept going while I had her. “We aren’t here for an easy ride. People are going to try to put you in a mold, they’re going to tell you who you should be and how you should act. You’re going to have to work hard to carve out your own identity, but you can do it. I’m not going to tell you about the men until you’re older, but that’s a discussion we’re going to have to have,” I told Diana. “Or women. Whoever, whatever, it’s your choice.”
“You think with Grandma I’d have a choice?” Diana pursed her lips at me.
“Anyway,” I said, “I’m here with you. Remember that.”
“I know, cuz.” Diana smiled. “I hope I can grow up to be as strong as you are.”
I clambered over boxes and hugged Diana.
“Queenie,” she said.
“Yes, Diana?”
“Can I come and stay with you when Mum gets on my nerves and I need somewhere to just kick back and relax?”
“No.”
chapter
THIRTY
“WE ARE GATHERED here today—” Kyazike began, standing to address those of us seated around the large circular table.
“It’s not a wedding!” Diana shouted, cutting her off.
“Hello? I know that, little Miss Attitude,” Kyazike said, raising an eyebrow. I looked around the quiet Italian restaurant to see who else’s dinner my family was disrupting.
“As I was saying, we are gathered here to celebrate the well health and recovery of your girl and mine, our warrior, our badboy, Queenie Jenkins,” Kyazike said, surveying everyone around the table to make sure they were paying attention. “This year has been a madness, but she’s pulled through it. Even if I had to swing for man.”
“Hear, hear!” Darcy shouted, putting her arm around me.
“Swing for which man?” Diana asked Kyazike. Everyone turned to look at me.
“You’ll find out when you’re old enough,” Kyazike told her.
“Er, I’m her cousin and I’m sixteen now, you can tell me.” Diana looked at me.
“It’s nobody. Nothing,” I said, glaring at Kyazike.
“And if she can get through this year, she can get through anything,” Kyazike continued. What else was she going to say? I looked around again as my face got hot.
“Dassit. I’m done. Let’s eat,” Kyazike said, sitting back down.
“I’d like to say something,” Darcy said, standing. She patted her floral dress down and opened her mouth to speak.
“Please,” I said, covering my face with my hands.
“Now, I haven’t known Queenie for as long as you guys, but when I met her, I knew that she was grea—”
I yanked Darcy back down into her seat. “That’s enough, thanks.”
“Well, I wanna say something,” Diana said, standing on her seat.
“Diana. Get. Off. The. Chair,” my grandmother and Maggie said, staccato and in unison.
“I think that Queenie is very brave and I’m very proud that she’s my cousin,” she said quickly, stepping down.
“Yes, we’re all proud of you, Queenie,” Maggie said. “In fact, before we say grace, I’d like to say a few words, in Jesus’ name—”
“No grace today, Maggie, your father needs to eat,” my grandmother cut in.
“Thanks everyone, that’s enough,” I said, taking a sip of water. The lump in my throat was rising.
“She’s my daughter,” my mum said, looking at Maggie pointedly. “So I’m going to say something.” Everyone turned to look at my mum.
“Go ahead, Sylvie,” said my granddad, trying to hang his cane on the back of the chair.
“Next year is going to be better,” my mum said, picking up her wineglass. “To Queenie.”
“To Queenie,” the table said.
“Everything okay?” Darcy asked quietly, knowing how little I liked being the focus of attention.
“Yes, all fine.” I looked down at my pizza and began to cut into it slowly. Trust my appetite to start waning at the dinner to benchmark my getting better.
“Oh, hello you!” I heard my mum squeak, my eyes still fixed on a piece of mushroom that looked particularly challenging. “Don’t you look well, Cassandra? You’ve really blossomed since I last saw you.”
I looked up and saw Cassandra standing behind Diana’s chair, biting her lip aggressively. She flipped her hair over her shoulder and smiled as our eyes met.
“Why are you here?” I asked, turning to look at Darcy, who shrugged and smiled at me as if to say “Sorry for majorly fucking up but I thought it would be okay, though now I realize that I was totally wrong about that.”
“Have you come for your money?” I asked drily. “I can’t pay you back yet, but I will.”
“No, no, don’t worry about that.”
“Okay,” I said, with no choice but to accept her presence. “I’ll tell the waiter that we need another chair and menu.”
I stood up to find someone, and Kyazike stood up too. “Want me to handle it?” she asked. I shook my head and walked away from the table. Cassandra followed me, and we stood by the waiters’ station, both staring ahead.
“Go on, then.” Cassandra broke the silence. “Have a go at me, tell me I told you so.” I looked at her and caught the tail end of her rolling her eyes.
“Why would I do that?” I asked her. “I’ve never done that.”
“Because I went running off to the middle of nowhere with a guy who started sleeping with a new colleague after two weeks of us being there.”
“I didn’t know that,” I said, completely unsurprised. “And even if I did, I wouldn’t say I told you so.”
“I thought Darcy would have told you. I messaged her a few weeks ago and asked if you hated me.”
“Nope. I had a lot going on, Cassandra. Too much to waste time hating you. Though I’m guessing you knew that?” I asked her. “Things were falling apart before you left.”
“Darcy filled me in. But I didn’t want to text you, I thought it might be too, I don’t know, whimsical.” Cassandra shrugged. “When I caught Guy cheating, which he did in our bed, by the way, I packed my stuff up, but he did his usual ‘transitional weakness’ spiel and I forgave him, again. But when he did it again I left him.”
I looked around to see if a waiter was coming. I’d have to build a chair for her, at this rate.
“Cassandra”—I turned to her—“you haven’t even said sorry.”
“Well, I am sorry, obviously.” She rolled her eyes again and flipped her hair over her shoulder.
“It’s not in any way obvious.” For the first time, I was actually standing up to her and not feeling terrified.
“I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “Okay?”
“Cool.” I put my arm around her stiffly. I was a stronger person now, and one who wasn’t going to be petty even if it killed me. “Let’s put it all behind us, and move on.”
“That’s very adult of you!” she exclaimed. “Did you have a lobotomy?”