“You’re so beautiful. Look at your beautiful brown skin,” he said; and before I could say anything about his “compliment,” Ted knelt and pulled my knickers and tights down to my ankles, giving me frog’s legs as he lay on top of me and tried to enter me.
“It’s probably not going to, hold on, I’m just not really warmed up and you’re really big and, just wait a se—” I tried to say.
“It’s okay, why don’t I just—” Ted spat onto his hand and wiped it between my legs.
“I’ve only ever seen that in porn,” I joked again uneasily as he eased himself into me, his spit allowing for entry. He thrust into me once.
“We should use protect—” I started.
“Oh, fuck,” he whispered in my ear. Three more and he was done. His entire body sagged and he lay panting as I stared up at the gray polystyrene ceiling tiles. He lifted his head up from my shoulder and kissed me on the mouth.
“Sorry, that was disappointing,” he said. “That’s not how I imagined our first time would be.” Ted stood, pulling his boxers up and buttoning his jeans. “I should go before anyone comes.”
He bent down and kissed me on the forehead quickly.
“The only person who came was you,” I said to his back as he ran out of the loo.
THE CORGIS
Queenie
I just had sex with Tweed Glasses in the work toilets
Darcy
Bloody hell, Queenie. Is this because we didn’t send you any memes?
Kyazike
You must have been REALLY bored, fam
Queenie
He was in the office and I tried to get on with work but he is so, so persuasive and obviously there’s been so much sexual tension between us in the last few months, so it all just came to a very explosive head and we got carried away. And now I feel like I probably, definitely should not have done that
Kyazike Was it good?
Queenie
It was fine
Kyazike
Fine?
Kyazike
What happened?
Kyazike
He couldn’t get it up, innit? Or he bussed quick? Which one??
Queenie
The latter, BUT I think it’s because of the context? Excitement?, the fear of getting caught?
Darcy
Well, I’m glad you didn’t get caught
Cassandra
I’m breaking my no phone over the holidays rule to say TWO things. One: gross. Two: do not expect to hear from him again.
Queenie
You can psychoanalyze all you want, he’s not like that, Cassandra. This might all be a bit fragmented and messy, but I think he cares
chapter
FOURTEEN
WHY ARE PEOPLE always complaining about the dead period between Christmas and New Year’s? It’s complete bliss. Rupert and Nell have gone to their respective family homes for the break, so I have the house to myself.
Mainly I’ve been walking around in my knickers with the heating turned up, but the main joy is that I’ve been able to clean up after them. I don’t know how two people can generate so much mess, or how the cleaner puts up with it. I’ve never had a cleaner before, but is she the one to dispose of Nell’s used sanitary towels that she forgets to wrap up or pick up when she throws them in the bin and misses? It must be a cultural thing.
That these days all merge into one is wonderful. I’ve watched every good, medium, and bad film on telly, I’ve exhausted Netflix, my sleeping pattern has reversed so severely that I haven’t really seen daylight, and my appetite has returned enough for me to have been able to bake a tray of brownies and eat the whole thing with a fork (when I eventually found the baking tray under Rupert’s bed). The sleep has been doing me some good, although I have been going a bit mad with so much time to do nothing but think. Ted seems to have gone quiet. Maybe he needs space. I know that our beginnings aren’t exactly fairy-tale, but what if we worked well together? His intensity and passion would be a lot to get used to, and even though the sex wasn’t great, it would probably be better in a bed. And what would I say to Tom when he wanted to make things work again? Maybe it’s a good thing Ted’s gone a bit quiet.
I won’t think about it until I hear from Ted again; then I’ll know what his motives are.
* * *
As I ate pizza and watched Jools Holland and his reliable New Year’s Hootenanny, I reached into my dressing table and pulled out a pink leather Moleskine that I hadn’t yet managed to soil and decided to write some resolutions.
New Year’s Resolutions
1. Be kinder, and more patient with everyone. Up to and including commuters who push onto the Tube before anyone can get off, colleagues you overhear complaining about having no money even though you know that their parents cash-bought them a house, and also housemates who continue to cook seven-course meals in a shared kitchen which stops you from being able to make basic pasta and sauce.
2. Better vibes. In general, across all elements of your life and day.
3. Work harder, which should result in promotion: a. Get to work on time.
b. Listen to Gina’s instructions.
c. Go above and beyond.
d. Less chatting with Darcy.
e. Be actively kind to the intern even though he is in a position of extreme privilege and will probably be your boss in five years.
f. No personal e-mail, no looking on Tumblr at work, phone permanently in desk drawer when working.
4. Try to sort things out with Tom. Obviously, the end goal is to get back together when he is ready, so continue to give him space, and in the meantime: 5. No more men:
a. Only speak to men if they’re attached, thus unavailable.
b. If you do speak to them, and they are single, don’t have sex with them. Adi was enough. In some ways.
c. Always use protection, always, even if you get carried away, which you do so often.
i. Maybe try to work out why that is.
d. No more of the dating apps, especially not on a Sunday when everyone is feeling sad and lonely and hungover and longing for a better life that they’re convinced comes with a partner thus obligatory weekend activities.
e. NO MORE GUY. He hurts you physically, and also overheard evidence of late suggests that he has a girlfriend. Either that or he is really very close to his housemate.
6. Spend more time with family: a. Try to repair relationship with Mum despite everything (though this one you can break if it gets too much).
b. Go to see grandmother once a week, Sunday being best day as she will have roasted a chicken.
c. Reach out to your mainly estranged dad (while not expecting too much from him, thus saving yourself from inevitable rejection blues on top of Tom rejection blues).
7. Exercise. Possibly starting with something gentle like yoga, or swimming, once you figure out how to protect your hair. It might help with mental health, even though you are beginning to worry that you’re beyond repair.
8. Try to do something creative:
a. Writing?
b. Poetry?
c. Weaving?
d. Knitting?
e. Art? Not sure about this one.
f. . . . You can’t think of any other creative activity, which in itself suggests that creativity is not for you.
9. Be less of a catastrophist: you will try to be an optimist and won’t be too harsh on yourself if pessimism creeps in, which it is bound to.
10. Give 50 percent of your things to charity after you Marie Kondo your room. No use selling on eBay, it’s not worth selling something you bought for .50 for $1.99 when the money could go to cancer research. Already a very kind suggestion, as per resolution 1.
11. GO TO THERAPY??? Think about therapy, at least.
I think that’s enough to be getting on with. In challenging myself to do anything at all, I’ve already set myself up to fail. But in limiting the resolutions, I can at least make the failure less disappointing.
* * *
After finishing my resolutions and inhaling a whole pizza, I took the grease-soaked box outside and shoved it into the overflowing recycling bin. I could hear cheers, and church bells chiming. I’d missed the countdown. Well. Another year.
Queenie
Happy New Year, Tom. I hope this year is better for us than the last. X
Tom
Happy New Year, Queenie. X
chapter
FIFTEEN