“You can get the bus from here to the station, the next train is in an hour,” Tom said, looking over my head. “I’m going to stay with my family for a few more days.”
“So I’m just meant to go back to the flat alone?” I asked. “You know I can’t sleep anywhere by myself!”
“It’s constant, with you. It’s too much,” Tom said, his voice cracking. “You’re too much, Queenie.”
I opened my mouth to speak but closed it again.
“Hope you get home okay,” he said, turning to walk away.
“Do you know what?” I shouted behind him. He stopped walking. “I hope your next girlfriend is white, Tom. That way she won’t be too fucking much for you.”
He stood still for a second before continuing on, disappearing into the darkness.
? ? ?
“I’m just going to go to the bathroom,” I said, slipping away from Rich and into James’s bedroom, where I sat on the bed to have a minute for myself.
I was about to leave when I heard footsteps outside the door. I went to it, opened it slightly, and saw Fran at the end of the corridor trying with clumsy hands to open the front door. James ran past me peeking out of his room and stopped next to her. “Fran, for fuck’s sake, stop running off!” he hissed. Were my drunk ears and eyes deceiving me? What could “couple goals” be arguing about?
“It’s okay, you go back in there and carry on chatting to her,” Fran shot back, her unnaturally high-pitched voice piercing the air. “Why did you invite her? Who invites their ex, the ex they know is still in love with them, to the fucking party they throw with their girlfriend?”
I knelt on the floor by the door and leaned against a pile of waxed jackets to get comfortable. It’s not often that you see the perfect pair disintegrate before your eyes.
“Oh, come on, she’s got a boyfriend, Fran,” I could hear James plead.
“Does she? Nobody has met him, James. And she can’t take her eyes off of you. And—and I know that you’ve been checking her Facebook, even though you hang out with her once every two weeks!” Somehow her voice was getting even higher.
“Just calm down.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down! I can’t keep doing this, James. It’s not just you and Evie. It’s me working a full-time job and coming here to iron your shirts and cook your dinner and then you coming home late or not at all! Yet you still won’t let me move in! It’s the lads’ nights taking precedence over our nights, or your nights with Evie that you think I don’t know about. How could I not? She Instagrams every aspect of her day, and trust me, you get the most flattering filters! Three years we’ve been together, no sign of marriage, all signs of you wanting to have me around but not commit. I can’t do this.” She might take off at this point; she was doing a good job of sounding like she’d inhaled helium, at the very least.
“Oh, Fran, come on,” James snorted. “I think you’ve had a bit too much to drink.”
I locked eyes with Fran as she suddenly came toward James’s room and pushed the bedroom door open.
“Sorry, I was just looking for my—” Fran stepped over me and I got up off my knees.
“I’m going home,” Fran squeaked. “Night, Queenie. Sorry about Tom, by the way.” She grabbed her bag from James’s desk and breezed past first me, then James, and slammed out the front door. I slipped past James as I walked back into the living room.
“It’ll be all right, mate,” I said, patting him on the arm.
* * *
I tried to get back into the party but could think about nothing but Tom. We’d hurt each other, but that’s what couples did, right, they wound each other up. Look at Fran and James! I got my phone out of my pocket and tried to call Tom. No answer. I called again, nothing. Twice more. Nothing. I sat on the sofa as everyone chatted and danced around me. The phone buzzed in my hand.
Tom
Clean break, Queenie
I read Tom’s text through blurring eyes. I missed him so much that my chest started to ache. Did he not miss me? How could he just ignore my calls? I snuck away and stood outside the house, about to order an Uber. The cold air sobered me. “Shall we?” An arm wrapped around my waist as Rich slotted himself into me presumptuously. I didn’t want to go back to my new house alone, but as I looked into the unkind eyes of Rich and remembered how I felt when I first locked eyes with Tom, I knew that I didn’t want to go home with him. I got my phone out to call Tom again. He still wouldn’t pick up. What would make me feel better? I thought. Nothing. What would make me feel happy? I asked myself. Tom was the answer. But if Tom wasn’t answering, what would distract me until he did?
Queenie
Adi, can you meet me outside some luxury apartments in Fulham? We can go for that drive you’re always on about
I tried my luck. It was two in the morning. I’d give him five minutes and then I’d get an Uber.
Adi
You serious?
He replied before I could put my phone in my coat pocket.
Queenie
Sure. Why not?
Adi
For real? You’re not tricking man?
Queenie
I’m about to change my mind, I’m cold
Adi
Okay okay, what about your white boy, is he there? He can watch me at work, innit, man will show him how it’s done
Queenie
We’re on a break
Adi
For real?
Adi
LOL
Adi
No such thing as a break
Queenie
Are you coming or not?
Adi
Queenie, if I’m gonna hit it, man needs to come into the yard. A bum like yours needs room for maneuver, you get me? No space in a car for you, TRUST me
Queenie
Just moved house, everything is in boxes. No bed. Also so much of that is offensive
Adi
Alrite, alrite, don’t start. I’ll come get you. Text me the address
Twenty minutes later I was back in the passenger seat of Adi’s flash black BMW, the seat reclined completely backward because “these ends are hot and I don’t want anyone to see that I’m driving some girl who isn’t my missus.”
I lay back, the nasality of Drake’s voice making me vibrate on my makeshift bed. “Where are we going?” I asked in the absence of being able to see for myself. The adrenaline that was flooding my system had canceled out any trace of alcohol.
“Don’t worry, innit, just relax,” Adi said, digging a hand into my thigh and flashing me a smile that was, genuinely, somewhere on the way to charming. I dissociated by thinking about how his teeth were so white. He must put a lot of money into keeping them that way; I know how much he smokes.
As Adi drove, unease started to rise in me. What was I about to do? Was sex okay, given the whole gynecological situation? I wished the doctor had given me just a little more information. The car slowed down. “Can I sit up now?” I asked, sitting up anyway. “I’m starting to feel queasy.”
I looked around as Adi parked. When he turned the headlights off and my eyes had adjusted to the dark, I saw that we were in some sort of warehouse parking lot.
“Do you come here often?” I asked, to no response. Adi didn’t think I was very funny.
“I want you to take your thong off, innit,” he said, wasting no time. I pulled my dress up and put my thumbs in the sides of my knickers, ready to pull them down.
“Why are you wearing full knickers? I like my girls in thongs.”
“You can just drive me back home if you want,” I suggested, pulling my dress back down.
“Nah, don’t be so hasty! Man was just saying, innit.” I pulled my knickers off and, in trying to be sexy, got them tangled at my ankles before I put them in the glove box.
“All right, so now I want you to just turn round and face the back,” Adi told me.
“What, like in the back of the car?” I asked, obviously not understanding the request.
“Nah, just turn in the passenger seat and pull your dress up so I can look at your bottom.”
“What? Why?” I still wasn’t getting what he was asking.