And below it, I’d added the line he spoke to me in the back of the truck at the drive-in.
Close your eyes, there’s nothing to see out here.
I’d loved that line. As if everything we needed to know, we couldn’t see. It was all inside of us.
I blink at the list, reading them over and over in my head.
Alone, Empty, Fraud, Shame, Fear, Close your eyes, there’s nothing to see out here.
Hmm. I read them again in my head and once more out loud.
It rhymes. Like a song.
Alone, Empty, Fraud, Shame, Fear, Close your eyes, there’s nothing to see out here.
I flip over and study the words again. It’s kind of weird how they fit together like that.
Of course he’d given the words separately, and he never indicated a connection between them, but I knew there was some kind of meaning other than what he was telling me. The first word was at the Cove, not meant for me, after all. I’d had a feeling the words were coming from somewhere specific.
Hopping off my bed, I pull out my desk chair and have a seat, waking up my laptop. Typing the words into the search engine, I hit Enter and wait.
Pictures and YouTube videos immediately load onto the screen, and I sit back, scanning the hits to see if it’s from a song, and if so, which one. One of the YouTube videos is titled Pearls, and I click on it.
The video is grainy and dark, but I can see the stage and lights of the small venue, and I hear a crowd shouting and calling out.
And then I peer closer at the guys on stage, not blinking and my heart picking up pace. A band with their drums and guitars, and…
Masen?
I breathe harder and faster. What?
Everyone is positioned, one guy sitting behind his drums, two others flanking Masen with guitars, and Masen looking casual with a hand in his pocket and no instrument. My blood runs hot, and my chest aches. What the fuck is this?
The song starts, hard and loud, the drummer pounding in steady beats and the crowd jumping up and down as Masen bobs his head. I dart my eyes down, underneath the video, and see the band name.
Cipher Core. He has a band?
The scavenger hunt. Oh, my God. I’d thought he was just a guest that night. Some random guy hanging around, but he wasn’t. That was his band’s event.
My hand shakes as I move the cursor and click on the Show More section. The lyrics are written there, and I see Masen close his eyes and hold the microphone on its stand as his smooth, deep voice starts singing the words I’m reading.
A picture is worth a thousand words, But my thousand words slice deeper.
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, Fuck that. I’ve become a hide and seeker.
Treat others how you want to be treated, But what if tonight I want to be burned?
You told us it’s better to be safe than sorry, And little sister listened, but I was the one who learned.
Reap, reap, reap, you don’t even know, All you did suffer is what you did sow!
Necessitate, medicate, eradicate, resuscitate.
Swallow your Pearls, but for me it was too late.
Do better, be more, too many, too much, I’m about to fucking choke, I can’t force it down.
So string up the little Wisdoms and wrap them ‘round my neck, I’ll strangle myself with your Pearls of Wisdom and die a wreck.
The lyrics ring a bell. I repeat them in my head. Reap, reap, reap, you don’t even know…
Misha and I put those lyrics together. The entire fucking song is Misha’s. I remember it, and something terrible and hard curls through me as I stop breathing and read the short bio at the bottom.
Cipher Core is an American rock band based out of Thunder Bay.
A band in Thunder Bay. No… I swallow, acid bile rising in my throat.
Members:
Dane Lewis—guitars and backing vocals
Lotus Maynard—bass
Malcolm Weinburg—drums
Misha Lare—lead vocals, guitars
“Oh, my God.” I crumble, sinking out of my chair and to the floor, sobbing and shaking my head. “Oh, my God,” I cry.
I run my fingers through my hair, holding my head and my chest growing heavy. I suck in short, shallow breaths. I can’t breathe.
Masen is Misha. “What the fuck?!” I yell.
The whole time. All this time I’ve been missing him, worried about him, wondering where the fuck he is and why he hasn’t written, and he’s been right in front of me the whole time!
I scream, slamming my hands down on the floor and curling my fingers into the carpet.
I can’t believe it. He wouldn’t do this to me. He wouldn’t make a fool out of me and play with me like that.
Shooting up, I wipe my nose with the back of my hand and glare at him on the screen. He finishes the final note, long and languorous, into the microphone, and from the distance in the crowd, I can see him dip his head as if still lost in the song after it’s over. People cheer, the last chords of the guitar ringing out, and I hear a couple girls call out for him.
Calling for Misha.
Everything is shaking, and the room is spinning as my mind races.
Masen. Mysterious, quiet Masen who no one knows anything about and who came out of nowhere. The guy who knew I’d loved Twilight, where I lived, and exactly what to get out of my backpack when I had my asthma attack without me telling him.
Oh, my God, how did I not know? I close my eyes, angry tears streaming down my face.
Misha, my best friend who got me into bed and fucked me with a lie.
You have a friend, he’d said earlier.
“No,” I whisper to myself, rage building as I slam my laptop closed and leave the room to get my sister’s car keys.
I have no friends.
Everything is dark, not a single light shining through any of the windows. My dad has to be home, though. It’s pretty late.
I slip my key into the lock, always nervous that I’ll find it doesn’t work. Of course, my father wouldn’t have any reason to keep me out—he never told me to leave, after all—but I’m not really sure he wants me here, either.
Stepping inside, I close the door behind me and stick my keys back in my pocket. A pungent odor hits my nostrils, and I wince, gazing around.
Trepidation creeps in. The house is a mess. My dad was always a neat freak, and with my sister and me helping with chores, we kept a nice house.
But I look around, seeing mail and newspapers on the floor, some laundry on the stairs, and I smell something that’s a mixture of old food and dirty clothes.
Walking past the sitting room, I notice a light coming from the living room and peer in, seeing the TV playing. The sound is low, and my father is lying on the recliner in his pajamas and robe. A table full of coffee cups, napkins, and a barely-eaten plate of food stands next to his chair.
I walk over and gaze down at his sleeping form, guilt weighing on me. Dane was right. My dad is an active guy. Even after Annie, he still took care of things around here. But I can see the sallow tint to his cheeks and how rumpled his clothes are, like he’s worn them for more than a day.
My eyes start to burn, and I suddenly want Ryen.
I need her. I’m scared, and I don’t know what to do right now.
I couldn’t get back what I needed from Falcon’s Well, but I’m not sure I care anymore.
But I don’t want to leave yet, either. I want Ryen, but I also feel like if I walked out now and left my father for good, Annie would truly be gone. Any semblance of the life we had before would be a memory.
I lower myself to the ottoman, watching him. His head is turned to the side, and I spy a pill bottle on the table.
I don’t have to look to know it’s Xanax. My dad’s kept it around for years, something to take the edge off when raising two kids by himself got stressful. Honestly, though, I think he started taking it because my mother left. He’d loved her, and she skipped out. No notes, no calls, no contact. She left her kids and never looked back.