Don’t call him Masen? “Why?” I ask.
“Just don’t.” He shrugs me off and stands up, forcing me to climb off his lap. “Now do me a favor and go in the lunchroom and sit in Trey’s lap, would you? I wanna look while your fucking prom date has no clue that I just had that ass grinding my cock a minute ago.”
He gives me a cruel smile, and I inhale a deep breath, raising my chin and trying to look unfazed.
But my heart pounds like a jackhammer. What an asshole.
Before I can reply with a witty, sarcastic, or utterly childish remark, he walks past me and out the door while the sound of the students in the lunchroom floods in.
An ache digs into the back of my throat, but I refuse to cry. Turning, I look out the window and see my reflection in the glass. I blink away the tears and check my face to make sure my mascara and lips aren’t smeared. Checking that my hair is smooth and perfect again.
Making sure the girl who got out a few minutes ago is tucked back inside, down deep.
I take a deep breath and walk out the door, joining my friends in the cafeteria.
Sitting in an empty Ferris wheel car, I tip my head back and close my eyes, letting the night wind blow across my face.
The ocean waves in the distance curl and crash ashore, filling the darkness with a steady presence at my back as a car above me creaks in the wind, the rest having been rusted silent a long time ago.
The camping lamp I’ve been using in the room sits under my propped-up legs, and I hold a pen in my hand and a notepad on my lap.
Fifty-seven times I didn’t call Fifty-seven letters I didn’t send, Fifty-seven stitches to breathe again, and then I fucking pretend.
I open my eyes and jot down the last two lines, barely able to see what I’m writing in the near darkness. Doesn’t matter, I guess. I can write it tonight and read it tomorrow.
I’ve been writing this song for two years, ever since Ryen started talking about “the cheerleader” in some of her letters. I got stuck half-way through, because I wasn’t sure where the story was going, just that I needed to tell it. I had Ryen’s impression through her words, but I couldn’t get further than that.
But leaving school two days ago, after finally having her in my arms in the lab, I needed to write. I was feeling things.
She knows how to work me. How to drive me insane, acting like I’m dirt under her shoe in public but like she can’t get enough of me in private. Her tongue and mouth, the little obsession she has with my lip ring, the way she grinded into me, and if it weren’t for a couple layers of clothes, I would’ve been inside her…
Yeah, that prissy little act drops like a bad habit, and she can get so hot, I want to take off everything except that lame-ass skirt and see how every inch of her feels.
If her whole stuck-up crew knew how their little princess melts for me…
But I look up, staring out at the theme park and realizing.
No. Not for me.
For Masen.
Damn, I can’t keep this up. I have to leave, or I have to tell her. She’ll never forgive me for betraying her like this. For being right under her nose and damn-near seducing her.
“I’m ashamed I didn’t guess you were here a long time ago!” a voice calls out, and I jerk, looking down at the ground.
Dane stands below with a flashlight in his hand.
I watch him start climbing the beams up to where I sit about five cars off the ground, and let out a sigh. I’m working. For the first time in months, I’m writing. Just my luck.
“You and your cousin loved this place as kids,” he yells up. “I should’ve known you’d be hiding here.”
He crawls up, past the empty cars, and heaves himself over the beam where my car sits. The wheel creaks with the extra weight, but it doesn’t budge. Years of rain and moist sea air have taken care of that.
He takes a seat, and I notice he’s wearing our band’s black T-shirt. Our name, Cipher Core, with some artwork Dane designed, is on the left side of the chest. I have a few at home. Even Annie has some, which she used to sleep in.
I see Dane’s eyes fall to my notepad, and then he raises them to me, the wheels in his head probably turning.
“You got something there for me?” he prods, meaning lyrics.
I laugh to myself, tossing him the book. What the hell? Let him tell me it sucks, so I can give up, and we can go to Sticks and get drunk instead.
He barely looks at the pad, though. He eyes me hesitantly, as if he’s searching for words.
“Your dad isn’t looking too good, man,” he says, keeping his tone even. “The stores are closed, and no one sees him anymore. He misses you.”
“He misses Annie.”
“He still went to work after Annie,” he points out. “It was when you left that he retreated.”
I prop my arm up on the back of the seat and rub my forehead. He’s not going to the shops? To open up or anything?
Dane’s right. My father was in pain after Annie’s death, but he didn’t abandon his responsibilities. Other than me, of course. No, he gave me all the space I told him I wanted.
But he still took care of the house, ran the shops, did the paperwork, and went on his morning runs.
He hasn’t called me, though.
If he’s hurting—if he needs me—would he tell me?
I stopped being able to talk to you. I stopped looking for a way to talk to you.
Guilt chips away at some of my anger. Annie loved him. She wouldn’t want him alone.
I look over at Dane and see him holding up the flashlight and reading the lyrics I wrote. His eyes move intently but slowly over the paper, and I can tell he’s reading every word.
He looks up and meets my eyes, nodding. “We’re ready to get back to work. You coming home?”
I don’t know. There were reasons I left, but now I worry that I have reasons to stay. And they’re not the reasons I came for. That’s the problem.
I should never have gotten this close to Ryen. It’s complicated now. Either leave and keep my friend or stay and lose her forever.
“I still need to get one more thing,” I tell him. “And then I’ll be home.”
Coming up on the house, I slow to a stop and check the clock on my dash. It’s after midnight, and the street is silent, all of the houses dark.
Except one.
I gaze out at the two-story brick home, a single light coming from the den and a figure moving inside. All the cars are in the driveway, Trey’s Camaro sitting in the middle.
What I need is in that house.
Something of mine—something of my family’s—and I’m getting it back. Fuckface has a baseball game Friday night, and the whole family will be there. I can do it then, and then I can get out of here.
The shadow passes in front of the large den window again, and I follow it with my eyes, the warm light from inside so inviting, making my chest ache. How nice to think your children are safe under your roof, warm and sleeping peacefully, surrounded with love in their perfect world.
That’s about to change.
I put the truck in gear and speed off, heading around the corner toward the school. Ryen’s house is on the way, and I want to see her all of a sudden.
I’ve wanted to talk to her for the past two days, but yeah… I’d just dig myself into a bigger hole, because that’s all I know how to do it seems. I want to crawl in through her window and just touch her and talk to her and see if she can make me see the end of this. Make me figure out how to rewind and start over, before I abandoned her all those months ago when I should’ve clung to her and let her know how much I need her.
But if I could go back—to before I met her in person—would I really want to?
No. I wouldn’t trade those minutes in the lab for anything. Or the ones in the back of my truck.
Eventually we all have to weigh what we want more: wanting back what we had or wanting what could be. To stay or to risk everything to move forward.
I pass her house. She has a temper, and I’m tired tonight.