When I was a kid, it felt like it took forever for things like Christmas and my birthday to come around. Soon was never soon enough. In ten seconds, the length of time it takes for a doctor to tell you your diagnosis, you go from thinking the world is full of an infinite amount of time to realizing nothing in this world is infinite.
Everything has a beginning, middle, and end. Before cancer, I didn’t give much thought to the end. It’s a cruel joke that when you realize there is an end, time starts to move faster, speeding towards it. Life moves pretty fast. Soon can take it’s time getting here now.
This entry was inspired by the great philosopher Ferris Bueller…Bueller…Bueller…
I was walking back to our table from the bathroom. As I slipped into the booth beside Dalton I could not believe the conversation my two friends were having.
“So you want to f*ck me?”
“Yes, if you’re agreeable.”
“I’m only staying for a couple of days before heading to Florida. I won’t be here much longer.”
“Neither will I.” My head whipped back and forth between them so fast that I almost got whiplash.
Lisa, Dalton, and I were downtown near the college having lunch at the Hungry Lion, a hole in the wall, but the best burgers around. Lisa had gotten into town early that morning and we met Dalton for lunch. They hit it off immediately, which I knew they would, but had no idea this would be the topic of their first conversation.
“I can’t believe the two of you are sitting here discussing this at lunch, in front of me.”
“Time is of the essence, grasshopper,” Dalton said, holding up a French fry before tossing in his mouth.
“Dalton speaks the truth.” Lisa leaned into the table slightly toward Dalton as if she were about to tell him a secret. “Just so you know upfront…that’s the only point of entry I’ll allow you. I don’t do any back door partying.”
Diet Pepsi came flying out of my mouth and I inadvertently snorted it up my nose. Lisa and Dalton burst into a fit of laughter.
Once he stopped laughing and recovered the ability to breathe, Dalton said, “Young grasshopper, the only thing getting f*cked this weekend is your mind.”
“We were just messing with you,” Lisa said. She and Dalton shook hands. “Bravo to you, sir, for your exquisite portrayal of a horny pig bastard.”
“Why, thank you. And I must say you play quite a convincing skank.”
“You two are hi-lar-i-ous.” I put extra sarcasm in my voice.
It was nice having Lisa and Dalton meet. It was also weird having two of my worlds collide. It’s like they each knew a completely different aspect of me, but not all of me.
“So what’s the plan for tonight?” Lisa asked.
“I thought we would come back downtown and walk around. There’s always something going on, especially now that the tourists are starting to come around. Dalton, is that good for you?” I asked.
“Do with me what you will. I’m all yours.”
I spotted him as soon as he walked in the door. I hadn’t told Noah about Dalton and vice versa. The subject just never came up. Besides, I wasn’t with either one of them like that, but it didn’t stop me from feeling as if I had just gotten caught doing something I shouldn’t, especially since I was sitting next to Dalton.
“Tweet?”
“Noah, hey.” His eyes immediately zeroed in on Dalton. “Noah, you remember Lisa?”
“Yeah, hey. How are you?”
“Hello, The Noah. I’m good,” she answered. He smirked at her name for him.
“And this is Dalton,” I said.
“Hi. You and Lisa are together?” Noah asked.
“No, actually…”
Oh shit! Dalton loves to mess with people no matter the consequences.
Draping his arm around my shoulders, he pulled me into his chest. “…my young grasshopper and I hook up every Monday.” He followed this bit of info with a smirk aimed right at Noah. Noah looked like he was about to lift Dalton right out of his chair. “Yep, we’ve been at it for about two months, right.” He looked over at me. “Our time together wears me completely out.”
Noah started working his jaw and clenching and unclenching his fists.
“He’s talking about chemo. We have chemo together on Mondays. Dalton, tell him it’s chemo,” I begged.
“Is that what the kids are calling it these days?” Lisa was trying to hold in her laughter while I panicked. Noah looked like he was ready to beat Dalton to a pulp. “I’m just messing with you, dude. We have chemo together. That’s all. Unless you consider the blow job in the supply closet a relationship.”
“Tweet, can I talk to you for a minute. Outside.” Just then Noah’s name was called. It was Brooke.
She walked up to our table, not acknowledging any of us. “Our table is ready.”
“I’ll be right there.”
She looked at the faces around our table and then landed on me. “Hey Amanda, how’s the leg?”
“Still lost.”
Brooke liked to bring up my amputated leg a lot, but only when Noah was around. She wanted to appear as if she had a caring heart while at the same time reminding Noah that I was damaged goods.
She wrapped her scrawny hands around Noah’s muscular arm and said, “Come on before somebody else steals our table.”
“Go sit down. I’ll be there in a minute.” She huffed and puffed, and stomped off. “Tweet, outside.” He turned and walked away, not waiting for me.
Once outside, I found Noah running his hand through his hair a few times. “Who is that a*shole?”
“He’s not an a*shole. He was just joking around. He does that.”
“He likes joking around about f*cking you?” His voice was harsh and angry. I wasn’t sure where this was coming from. “Is he?”
“Is he what?”
“F*cking you?”
“Where the hell is this coming from? Dalton and I are friends. He was joking around. What’s wrong with you?”
“I don’t like guys talking about you like that. I don’t like him.”
“Well, I do like him and he’s helping get me through all this shit I’m dealing with right now. I need him.” It wasn’t my intention, but I could tell my words were like a punch in the stomach.
“You used to need me.” The hurt in his eyes crushed me.
“Noah, I always need you. It’s just... Dalton understands exactly what I’m going through. This is ridiculous. I’ve watched Brooke climb all over you every chance she gets and she loves to constantly remind me that I have a limb chopped off. Now I have someone in my life to take…”
“My place?”
“No. No one will ever take your place. Why can you have someone and I can’t?”
He leaned in so close, our noses were touching. “May I remind you, sweetheart, I never wanted someone else. That was your call.” He pushed passed me and headed back into the café.
The rest of the weekend went a lot better. Lisa and I went shopping Saturday and we met up with Dalton for dinner that night and a movie. It was great having Lisa around. I missed having her near. Even though we texted and talked every few days on the phone it wasn’t the same as being together. She packed up her car and headed to Florida to meet some friends for spring break.
It was Sunday night before Monday chemo. Dalton and I were hanging out at the apartment. We had ordered pizza and were listening to music. We had started spending the Sunday before our on weeks together. Chemo was bad enough, but the night before was a close second. That’s when the dread set in because you knew the next week was going to be hell. Dalton and I helped each other focus on other things on those particular Sundays.
“You’re right, grasshopper. Lifehouse is a hell of a group.”
“Ah, the student becomes the master and the master becomes the student.” Dalton picked up a pillow from the sofa and popped me with it.
I started gathering up our leftover pizza to put in the kitchen. “So why aren’t you and Mr. Perfect together?” My head snapped involuntarily in his direction.
“Wow! Not into subtle transitions, are you?”
“I don’t have time for that shit. Answer the question.”
“Um…” I sat back down on the sofa.
“Small dick? Is that what it is?” He tilted his head to the side with mock sympathy across his face.
“No,” I said.
“Dick too big? You know a lot of people think it’s size that matters, but that’s not true. You could be hung the size of a baseball bat, but if you don’t know how to swing it, then it’s just a dried up piece of wood. If you know what I mean,” he said, raising his eyebrows and tilting his head again. I just stared at him. The things that came out of his mouth sometimes were truly amazing and not in a good way.
“It’s complicated.”
“What’s so complicated? He gets nekkid. You get nekkid and…” He suddenly stopped talking in mid-sentence. I looked over concerned. He was staring straight ahead, not moving. I knew he had had seizures before and thought he might be having one now.
“Dalton? Are you okay?”
Keeping his gaze still and focused ahead, he held up his index finger and said, “Hold on…I’m still picturing you nekkid.”
Slapping his upper arm, I yelled, “Dammit Dalton! That’s not funny.”
“So where was I? Oh yes. You both get nekkid and get bizzzaaay.” He paused for a moment, looking at me with sincerity. Seriously, what’s the deal?”
I let out a deep sigh and debated whether or not to answer his question.
“Noah and I have always been best friends. I need him in my life. If we were to cross that line and something happened to break us up, I wouldn’t be able to survive it. I would rather keep him in my life as a friend, than risk losing him completely. And I would lose him because I would do something to ruin things. I always do.”
Dalton studied my face for a few seconds. I saw his eyebrows slowly scrunch together, his eyes narrowed at me as his lips formed in to a straight line. “Amanda, that is the stupidest and lamest shit I have ever heard.”
“It’s true. My sister and her friend dated and it ended badly. They hate each other now. Emily is perfect at everything. If she couldn’t make it work then I sure as hell can’t. Noah deserves better than that.”
He twisted his entire body around to face me. “Ah young grasshopper...perfection is an illusion nurtured by insecurities.” I looked at him as if he had gone insane. “Emily’s not perfect.”
“You don’t have to say that to make me feel better.”
“I’m not. She’s got a crazy left eye.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I noticed it the first time I met her. I looked her in the eye. Her right eye looked at me, but that left eye was all over the place. It freaked me out.” He made a goofy face and rolled his eyes all around, causing me to laugh out loud.
“I’ve never noticed that before.”
“Maybe the guy she was dating got freaked out by the crazy eye.”
“I don’t know. She never said what happened.”
“Now that we have established that Emily is a circus freak and not perfect, you can’t use her as an excuse. So, answer the question.”
We sat there several minutes before I was able to answer. I wasn’t comfortable talking to Dalton about Noah, but once he started a conversation, he wouldn’t let it go.
“I’ve never measured up to be what I feel he deserves and now with the amputation and cancer…I don’t want to be a burden.”
“Stop making excuses because you’re scared. Why don’t you let him decide the type of life he wants and who he wants in it?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’ve met a lot of people in my life and I don’t like any of them. I like you. I knew we were going to be friends, the second I saw you walk into chemo. You’re smart, funny, and hot. You don’t act like a girl and make a big deal when I cuss. Amanda, you can’t do anything about the past and people like us, don’t know if we have a future. The past doesn’t exist anymore. All we have is the present. The present’s perfect, young grasshopper, because we’re breathing, moving, laughing, crying, and are surprised when we finally meet someone we connect with. Stop living in the past and wasting your present. You need to tell Noah how you feel.”
“What if it’s too late and Brooke is the one who makes him happy.”
“It doesn’t matter. He deserves to know how he impacted your life. He gave you a gift. You know what it feels like to love someone. That doesn’t come along every day, at least not the real kind. You need to go thank him for that before you have to say goodbye. Everyone deserves a thank you and goodbye.”
The recognition I felt when he said those last few words ran like a shockwave through me. I wrote that exact same thing in my journal when Noah’s dad died.
Looking over at Dalton, there was something different between us, a deeper connection. I felt like something had changed or was about to change between us.
“Come Away With Me” by Nora Jones started flowing out of the speakers. Dalton stood, holding his hand out to me. “Let’s try out that new leg. Dance with me,” he said.
I slid my hand into his. He led me to the middle of the room. As I stepped into his chest, we wrapped our arms around each other. I laid my head on his shoulder as he lowered his and rested it between my neck and shoulder.
As the sultry voice of Nora Jones continued to swirl around the room, we began to sway. The movement was so slight, it was almost imperceptible. I closed my eyes and let the feel of the music and his body against mine take me over. Present perfect.
As the song started to end, Dalton whispered in my ear, “I’m so glad I was here long enough to meet you. Thank you for giving me someone to miss.”
We pulled apart slightly, but kept our arms wrapped around each other.
“I wouldn’t be able to get through this without you. The one good thing about all of this has been that you were brought into my life.” He leaned his forehead against mine and we stayed this way for several minutes after the song had ended.
Dalton lifted his head, kissed my forehead and whispered, “I better go.”
He walked toward the door. Before opening it, he turned and looked at me. “Always remember present perfect, grasshopper.” A beautiful smile appeared on his face before he turned away and left.