This is my Elodie problem. What is she doing here? She dances like a wild Corybant, in and out of focus. Overpraising my father may be a style of comforting my mother. If so, that’s poorly conceived. Or sorrow distorts her judgement. That’s forgivable. Or her self-importance is bound up with her patron’s. That’s not. Or she’s come to find out who killed her lover. That’s interesting.
Should I like her or distrust her?
My mother loves her and won’t let go of her hand. ‘You’ll know this better than I do. Talent on that scale comes at a cost. Not only to himself. Kind to everyone who isn’t close. Strangers too. And people saying, “Almost as kind as Heaney.” Not that I ever knew or read him. But just below the surface John was in agony—’
‘No!’
‘Self-doubt. Constant mental pain. Lashing out at those he loved. But cruellest to himself. Then the poem gets written at last—’
‘And then the sun comes out.’ Claude has caught his sister-in-law’s drift.
She says loudly over him, ‘That conversational style? One long bloody battle to wrench it from his soul—’
‘Oh!’
‘Personal life wrecked. And now—’
She chokes up on the tiny word that contains the fateful present. On such a day of revaluation I could be wrong. But I always thought my father composed fast, with reproachable ease. It was held against him in the review he once read aloud to prove his indifference. I heard him say it to my mother during one of his sad visits: if it doesn’t come at once, it shouldn’t come. There’s a special grace in facility. All art aspires to the condition of Mozart’s. Then he laughed at his own presumption. Trudy won’t remember. And she’ll never know that even as she lied about my father’s mental health, his poetry raised her diction. Lashing out? Wrench? Soul? Borrowed clothes!
But they’ve made an impression. Cold mother, she knows what she’s about.
Elodie whispers, ‘I never knew.’
Then, another silence. Trudy waits intensely, like an angler whose fly is sweetly placed. Claude starts a word, a mere vowel, severed, I’d guess, by her glance.
Our visitor begins dramatically. ‘All John’s instructions are engraved on my heart. When to break a line. “Never randomly. Stay at the helm. Make sense, a unit of sense. Decide, decide, decide.” And know your scansion so you “disrupt the beat knowingly”. Then, “Form isn’t a cage. It’s an old friend you can only pretend to leave.” And feelings. He’d say, “Don’t unpack your heart. One detail tells the truth.” Also, “Write for the voice, not the page, write for the untidy evening in the parish hall.” He made us read James Fenton on the genius of the trochee. Afterwards, he set the assignment for the week ahead – a poem in four stanzas of trochaic tetrameters catalectic. We laughed at this gobbledegook. He had us singing an example, a nursery rhyme. “Boys and girls come out to play.” Then he recited from memory Auden’s “Autumn Song”. “Now the leaves are falling fast, Nurse’s flowers will not last.” Why is the missing syllable at the end of the line so effective? We couldn’t answer him. Then what about a poem with the weak syllable restored? “Wendy speeded my undressing, Wendy is the sheet’s caressing.” He knew the whole of Betjeman’s “Indoor Games near Newbury” and made us giggle. So, for that assignment, I wrote the first of my owl poems – in that same metre of “Autumn Song”.
‘He made us learn our own strongest poems by heart. So we’d be bold at our first reading, stand on stage without our pages. The idea made me nearly faint with fear. Listen, now I’m slipping into trochees!’
Talk of scansion is of interest only to me. I sense my mother’s impatience. This has gone on too long. If I had breath to hold, I’d hold it now.
‘He bought us drinks, lent us money we never gave back, heard us out on boyfriend–girlfriend trouble, fights with parents, so-called writer’s block. He stood bail for one drunken would-be poet in our group. He wrote letters to get us grants, or humble jobs on literary pages. We loved the poets he loved, his opinions became our own. We listened to his radio talks, we went to the readings he sent us to. And we went to his own. We knew his poems, his anecdotes, his catchphrases. We thought we knew him. It never crossed our minds that John, the grown-up, the high priest, had problems too. Or that he doubted his poetry just as we did ours. We mostly worried about sex and money. Nothing like his agony. If only we’d known.’
The fly was taken, the shortening line was taut and trembling, and now the catch is in the keep-net. I feel my mother relax.
That mysterious particle, my father, is gaining mass, growing in seriousness and integrity. I’m caught between pride and guilt.
In a brave, kind voice Trudy says, ‘It would have made no difference. You mustn’t blame yourself. We knew everything, Claude and I. We tried everything.’
Claude, stirred by the sound of his name, clears his throat. ‘Beyond help. His own worst enemy.’
‘Before you go,’ says Trudy, ‘there’s a little something I want you to have.’
We climb the stairs to the hall and then to the first floor, my mother and I moving lugubriously, Elodie close behind. The purpose must surely be to let Claude gather up whatever he must dispose of. Now we’re standing in the library. I hear the young poet’s intake of breath as she looks around at three walls of poetry.
‘I’m sorry it smells so musty in here.’
Already. The books, the library air itself, in mourning.
‘I’d like you to take one.’
‘Oh, I couldn’t. Shouldn’t you keep it all together?’
‘I want you to. So would he.’
And so we wait while she decides.
Elodie is embarrassed and therefore quick. She returns to show her choice.
‘John’s put his name in it. Peter Porter. The Cost of Seriousness. It’s got “An Exequy”. Tetrameters again. The most beautiful.’
‘Ah yes. He came to dinner once. I think.’
On that last word the doorbell sounds. Louder, longer than usual. My mother tenses, her heart begins to pound. What is it she dreads?
‘I know you’ll have a lot of visitors. Thank you so—’
‘Shush!’
We go quietly onto the landing. Trudy leans cautiously over the banisters. Careful now. Distantly we hear Claude talking on the videophone, then his footsteps ascending from the kitchen.
‘Oh hell,’ my mother whispers.
‘Are you all right? Do you need to sit down?’
‘I think I do.’
We retreat, the better to be concealed from the front door’s line of sight. Elodie helps my mother into the cracked leather armchair in which she used to daydream while her husband recited to her.
We hear the front door open, the murmur of voices, the door closing. Then only one set of footsteps coming back along the hall. Of course, the Danish takeaway, the open sandwiches, my dream of herring about to be fulfilled, in part.
All this Trudy recognises too. ‘I’ll see you out.’
Downstairs, at the door, just as Elodie is leaving, she turns to say to Trudy, ‘I’m due at the police station tomorrow morning, nine o’clock.’
‘I’m so sorry. It’s going to be hard for you. Just tell them everything you know.’
‘I will. Thank you. Thank you for this book.’
They embrace and kiss, and she’s gone. My guess is that she’s got what she came for.
We return to the kitchen. I’m feeling strange. Famished. Exhausted. Desperate. My worry is that Trudy will tell Claude that she can’t face eating. Not after the doorbell. Fear is an emetic. I’ll die unborn, a meagre death. But she and I and hunger are one system, and sure enough, the tinfoil boxes are ripped apart. She and Claude eat fast, standing by the kitchen table, where yesterday’s coffee cups might still be.
He says through stuffed mouth, ‘All packed and ready to go?’
Pickled herring, gherkin, a slice of lemon on pumpernickel bread. They don’t take long to reach me. Soon I’m whipped into alertness by a keen essence saltier than blood, by the tang of sea spray off the wide, open ocean road where lonely herring shoals skim northwards through clean black icy water. It keeps coming, a chilling Arctic breeze pouring over my face, as though I stood boldly in the prow of a fearless ship heading into glacial freedom. That is, Trudy eats one open sandwich after another, on and on until she takes a first bite of her last and throws it down. She’s reeling, she needs a chair.