After a long shower together, we have breakfast on the back patio while hummingbirds flit around his flower garden. He excuses himself to take a call from his manager, and I go up to the guest room to pack my things. I’m leaving with more than I came with, because Blue took me out to dinner twice to fancy restaurants and insisted on taking me shopping beforehand for sexy dresses. One black, and one red—just like the one I wore that night years ago. He’s also sending me home with some of his band apparel—a hoodie, a T-shirt, black thong panties, and my very favorite item—a T-shirt he wore yesterday that still smells like him. Weird? Yes. But comforting to have with me at home when I’m aching for him.
I’ve missed Lyric like crazy this week and I can’t wait to see her, but I’m dreading leaving Blue. I feel like my heart is being torn in two, not being able to be with both of them. His schedule is going to be packed for the next few months, so we’re going to have to rely on phone calls, emails, and the occasional weekend together until he settles down.
Rock star dating life, Reece said yesterday. The true test of patience and trust.
I’m the Queen of Patience. Perhaps the Jester of Trust. But I’m trying.
“You packed?” Blue’s in the doorway, eyeing my suitcase on the bed.
“Yeah.”
“But your flight isn’t until tonight.”
“I know, I just wanted to get it done.”
He takes a deep breath. Clicks his piercing.
“I wanted more time.”
“I do, too.” I smile, but inside I’m crying. I’m already missing the groove of comfort we slipped into together. Breakfasts, walks, long talks in bed that stretched into the early morning. Romantic dinners, rocking out in his car. The mind-blowing sex. Him playing the guitar just for me.
He’s my very own everything.
He crosses the room, leans his head against the window frame, and stares outside.
“We’ll see each other soon. And Lyric, too,” I say to his back.
“I know.”
I go to him and put my hand on his arm. I touch my lips to his shoulder and let them linger against the warmth of his skin.
“Blue? You okay?”
He nods and turns to face me.
“Yeah. I just feel…off.”
“Off?”
“The things that used to scare me? Now they’re all I want. All I can think about. And I feel like I get a taste, and then it’s gone.”
A twitch of anxiety stirs in my chest. “Do you mean me? Us?”
“Yes. I love the band but it pulls me in so many different directions.” He taps his head with his finger. “My mind spins all fucking around with everything.”
I nod and push back the anxiety building in me. “First, I’m not gone. I’m here, with you, even when we’re apart. And second, I know it’s a lot of pressure but I think you just have to try to tackle one thing at a time.” I feel helpless attempting to give advice. I know nothing about what goes on in his band and on tour and all the behind-the-scenes things that he must deal with.
“I guess I want to be in two places at once and I can’t. And everyone else wants me to be in twenty places at once. I like you sleeping with me every night. I like the steadiness of the day with you. I feel content. At peace, like my aunt said the feather would bring. You’re the only thing that’s ever made me feel that way and I’m afraid without you I’m going to get jumbled up.”
Jumbled up.
I want to be the parachute—the thing that will gently glide him safely through life. I could quit my job, homeschool Lyric, and travel with Blue to all the places the band takes him. It would be a different life for us but it might be exciting. Lyric and I could see the world. I could be there for him, night and day, to give him the peace he needs. I could keep him unjumbled and straight.
I swallow hard, ingesting the craziness that tried to fly out of my mouth and become a very unrealistic reality.
I can’t uproot my daughter and my life right now. Someday... I would love to. When I know that Blue can promise us the same security and commitment we can give him.
I want nothing more than to support him and be his rock when he needs me. I always will be. But it has to be equal, or at least close to it. I need him to get there on his own.
“We can talk every day,” I promise. “And video chat. Everything we have still remains even if we’re not physically together, right? Hasn’t it always?”
“Yes. Always.”
“Then we’ll be okay.” I reach for his hand and I’m met with his—clammy and shaking.
His eyes are dark and intense, the smile I’ve gotten used to seeing this week is gone. “I don’t want to lose you, Piper. I want to do everything right and I don’t know how. I’m afraid I’m gonna screw everything up. Like I always do.”
“You won’t. You’ve been perfect. I’ve never been happier. You don’t have to worry about anything.” I squeeze his hand tighter.
“Do you think it’ll last? With me being all over the place?”
I want it to. More than anything. But if we last depends on him.
I can’t say that to him, though.
And I’m not sure if by all over the place he means as in traveling, or as in his mind.
“I hope so. That’s all I want.”
He looks uneasy. Worried. Lost in the forest of his thoughts again.
“I may have sorta fucked up,” he finally says. He stares at the floor, avoiding me.
Please no. Not again.
My heart plummets then gallops rapidly like a horse trying to climb out of quicksand. I struggle to breathe calmly.
“Wh-what do you mean?”
He rubs his palm across his forehead. “Yesterday… I did something that maybe I shouldn’t have done.”
Shit.
“Did you go buy drugs? I had a bad feeling when you left. It was so abrupt, and you didn’t tell me where you were going, you didn’t invite me to come.” I shake my head. “I just don’t understand.”
His face contorts with disbelief. “What? No.” He pulls away and takes a few steps away from me. “Fuck, Piper. Is that what you thought?” he asks when he spins back around.
“I’m sorry, Blue, but yeah, it kinda crossed my mind. And now you’re acting all weird.”
“I didn’t go buy drugs. I’m totally clean. And I’m not acting weird, I’m fucking nervous.”
“What are you nervous about?”
He shoves his hand into his front pocket and comes out with a tiny royal blue velvet box. “This.”
I stare at it in his hand as my heartbeats accelerate to warp speed.
“I don’t know how to do this. I know I’m supposed to plan a big mind-blowing fucking moment. And I wanted to, babe. I really did. But the place I really wanted to do it is too far away. So now I just feel like I fucked this up and it’s going to be another disappointment from me that you’re gonna have to live with.”
Oh my God. Is he asking me to….
He snaps open the box. “A long time ago I promised to give you all the tomorrows I could. I know I’m not supposed to make any life decisions, but fuck that shit, I’m making this one because nothing is going to change it. I know we can’t get married until I’m cool and prove I won’t slip up. But until then I want you to have this, so you know I’m dead serious. So you know you’re the one, you’re it, you’re my home.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry if I fucked this all up and it’s not mind-blowing.”
It is mind-blowing.
It’s raw and unplanned and painfully honest and just so him.
I stare at the big sparkly stone surrounded by little tiny sparkly stones in a band of white gold.
It’s beautiful. Every woman’s dream ring.
And it comes with the promise of him—my dream man— and all the tomorrows.
With him.
I catapult myself into him. I throw my arms around him and climb him like a tree, wrapping my legs around him and smothering him with kisses.
“I love you so much,” I whisper between kisses. “And my mind is totally blown.”
He cradles the back of my head in his hand and kisses me, smiling against my lips.
The sexiest, most awesome, special smile in the world.
Chapter Forty-Two