Tony, aka Smiley Hogburn, said, ‘I can’t believe you confiscated my beer and now you’ve given me drugs. I’ve never taken drugs!’
‘You don’t think alcohol is a drug?’ said Masha. ‘LSD has been ranked one-tenth as harmful as alcohol! What do you think of that?’
‘I guess LSD has no calories,’ said Carmel. It was easy to remember her name because Lars had a friend called Carmel who was also boringly convinced she was fat. Carmel’s glasses sat crookedly on her face but she didn’t seem aware of it. She had been mooching about for the last five days with that recently-kicked-in-the-face look Lars knew so well from his clients. The one that ignited a deep burn of rage in his belly; the rage that had fuelled his entire career. He’d put a million bucks on her husband having left her for a trophy wife.
‘Does LSD also speed up the metabolism?’ Carmel asked hopefully. ‘I really feel like my metabolism might be speeding up. I’ve never had drugs either, but I’m completely fine with this. I have total respect for you and your methods, Masha.’
Getting thin won’t help you feel better, honey. Take the fuckwit to the cleaners. Lars would talk to her later. See who represented her.
‘I can’t believe you’ve been giving my underage daughter LSD,’ said Heather.
‘I’m not underage, Mum,’ said Zoe. ‘I’m feeling pretty good right now; better than I’ve felt in a while. They’re only micro-doses. It’s all good.’
‘It’s not all good!’ her mother sighed. ‘For Christ’s sake.’
Napoleon spoke earnestly. ‘Masha, listen, I had a terrible experience with drugs when I was a teenager. It was a “bad trip”, as they say. One of the worst experiences of my life and I always told my kids that’s when I swore off drugs forever. So I appreciate what you’re saying, but I’m not taking anything.’
‘My God, Napoleon, you’ve already taken it!’ said Heather through gritted teeth. ‘Are you not listening?’
‘This is bullshit,’ said the lottery-winner kid. What was his name again? A good, wholesome, straight-boy name. What was it? The kid trembled with so much suppressed rage it looked like he was having a seizure and he spoke through clenched teeth. ‘I did not choose this.’
His young wife spoke up. ‘Ben is, like, full-on anti-drugs.’
Ben, thought Lars. That was it. Ben and his cosmetically enhanced wife was . . . Jessica. Ben and Jessica. No chance those two had a pre-nup, and now there was significant money at stake if the marriage fell apart. They’d be the type to lose it all to their lawyers.
‘He doesn’t even like taking aspirin,’ said Jessica. ‘His sister is an addict. A proper addict. This is not good.’ She put her hand on her husband’s shoulder. ‘I don’t see how this is going to help our marriage. I’m not feeling very happy about this either. Not happy at all.’
Her poor little Barbie doll face did look very unhappy. Lars felt something unfurl in his chest: a deep, rich welling of sympathy for poor Jessica. Poor, poor little plastic Jessica. Confused little rich girl. All that money and no idea how to spend it, except on cosmetic procedures that were doing her no favours.
‘I understand your fear,’ said Masha. ‘You’ve been brainwashed because of the misinformation spread by governments.’
‘I have not been brainwashed,’ said Ben. ‘I have seen it for myself.’
‘Yes, but those are street drugs, Ben,’ said Masha. ‘The problem with street drugs is you can’t control the content or dosage.’
‘I cannot believe this.’ Ben got to his feet.
‘LSD has actually been used very successfully to treat drug addiction,’ said Masha. ‘Your sister could benefit from it. In the right setting.’
Ben smacked his hands to his face. ‘Unbelievable.’
Masha said, ‘Do you know, there was a great man. His name was Steve Jobs.’
Lars, who had been expecting her to say the Dalai Lama, snickered.
‘I always admired him greatly,’ said Masha.
‘Not sure why you took all our iPhones away then,’ muttered Tony.
‘Do you know what Steve Jobs said? He said that taking LSD was one of the most important, profound experiences of his life.’
‘Oh, well then,’ said Lars, greatly amused. ‘If Steve Jobs said we should all take LSD, then we really should!’
Masha shook her head sadly at them, as if they were misguided but lovable children. ‘The side effects of psychedelic drugs are minimal. Respected researchers at Ivy League universities are doing clinical trials as we speak! The results have been excellent! Micro-dosing has allowed you to focus on your meditation and yoga practices over the last week, as well as alleviating the withdrawal symptoms you would otherwise have suffered by cutting out far more dangerous substances, like alcohol and sugar.’
‘Yes, but, Masha . . .’ said Heather. She sounded calmer than before. She splayed her fingers on both hands as if she were waiting for a fresh manicure to dry. ‘The effects I’m feeling right now, the effects I suspect we are now all beginning to feel, that has to be more than just a micro-dose.’
Masha smiled at Heather, as if she couldn’t be happier with her. ‘Oh, Heather,’ she said. ‘You are a smart lady.’
‘That last smoothie was different,’ said Heather. ‘Wasn’t it?’
‘You are right, Heather,’ said Masha. ‘I was about to explain this but you keep racing me to the punch!’ She corrected the phrase almost instantly. ‘Beating me to the punch!’ Her strong white teeth gleamed in the candlelight. It was hard to tell if it was a smile or a grimace.
‘What’s happening now is the next step in a rigorously planned and executed new protocol.’ She looked around the room, giving everyone tiny nods, as if dispensing affirmative answers to their unspoken questions. Yes, yes, yes, she seemed to be saying. ‘You are about to embark on a truly transformative experience. We’ve never done this before at Tranquillum House and we’re all so excited about it. You are the first nine guests to have this extraordinary opportunity.’
A glorious sense of well-being spread like honey throughout Lars’s body.
‘For most of you, your last smoothie contains both a dosage of LSD and a liquid form of psilocybin, a naturally occurring substance found in certain mushrooms.’
‘Magic mushrooms,’ said Tony with disgust.
‘Oh my goodness,’ said Frances. ‘It’s like I’m back doing my arts degree again.’
Lars was so happy he’d chosen Tranquillum House for this cleanse. What a truly wonderful place. How innovative and cutting edge.
‘But that’s what caused my bad experience,’ said Napoleon. ‘My bad trip. It was a magic mushroom.’
‘We won’t let that happen, Napoleon,’ said Masha. ‘We are trained medical professionals and we’re here to help and guide you. The drugs you have taken have been tested to ensure they are in their purest form.’
Lovely, top-quality, pure drugs, thought Lars dreamily.
‘It’s called guided psychedelic therapy,’ said Masha. ‘As your ego dissolves you will access a higher level of consciousness. A curtain will be drawn back and you will see the world in a way you’ve never seen it before.’
Lars had a friend who had travelled for days in the Amazon to take part in an Ayahuasca ceremony, where he’d vomited repeatedly and been eaten alive by bugs in his search for enlightenment. This was delightfully civilised in comparison. Five-star enlightenment!
‘What a load of bullshit,’ said Tony.
‘But I lost my mind,’ said Napoleon. ‘I honestly lost my mind, and I did not like losing my mind.’
‘That’s because you weren’t in a safe, secure environment. The experts call it “set and setting”,’ said Masha. ‘For a positive experience you need the right mindset and a controlled environment like we’ve created here today.’ She gestured about the room. ‘Yao, Delilah and I are here to guide you and keep you safe.’
‘You know you’re going to get sued for this,’ said Heather serenely.
Masha smiled at her tenderly. ‘In a moment, I’m going to ask you to move to one of the stretchers, where you may lie down and enjoy what I can assure you will be a truly transcendent experience.’